Who: Reader x Lee Seonghwa
What: Angst, Smut (eventually) some fluff.
Story: Social anxiety is the worst thing to deal with. It's amazing you have friends at all but when your crush and friend, Seonghwa, tries to get closer to you your Anxiety and trust issues threaten to push him away.
Look at me. When will you walk away? When will you begin to notice that I'm not good for you. You love me but I don't think you should. Don't love me because I'll never be free from her... she'll never let me loose...
"Make- him leave." you panted.
"Okay baby just calm down okay you need to breathe remember what she said breathe in through your nose out through your mouth okay." he said
"Y/n" Myung Joon said stepping close.
"Go!" You screamed.
Your body was shaking uncontrolably you felt sick and weak. You were crying hard.
"Go!" Seonghwa practically growled the command at Myung Joon as he turned to see him.
"I didn't come to hurt you Y/n." he said.
"Go. Go. Go. Go. Go." You held your hands to your ears and just kept telling him to go.
It was harder to breathe now and you weren't able to say go anymore. You were gasping for air. Seonghwa pulled your hands from your ears. He was worried sick. He cradled your face,
"Look at me, look at me. I need you to breathe Baby. Come on." he said.
He was shaking to, you couldn't talk anymore. You were breathless. He blurred in your vision before everything went dark...
The moment she dropped he knew she was going through it all over again. Her stress level rose faster than he though it could. She was shaking violently and it happened so fast. He had caused that reaction so quickly. He tried to get her to calm down. She asked him to make him leave but Myung Joon was stubborn he wanted to talk to her.
"You need to fucking go right now!" he snapped.
"Will she be okay?" he asked staring at her in shock.
Seonghwa pushed him out the door and slammed it behind him. She had been chanting go for sometime but it had stopped; he saw her lips still moving but her voice wasn't coming out. He hurried to her. This was scaring him, he'd never seen it this bad. He was shaking he couldn't get it to stop but he saw her eyes get hollow and then they closed. She fell over into his arms.
"Y/N? Y/N! No come on, come on baby wake up. Wake up." he said shaking.
He rushed into his jean pocket, his phone was still there. He called up Soo Ran.
"Soo Ran, help. I- I don't know what to do. She's- she- she passed out."
"Seonghwa calm down what happened?" she said.
"I don't know what to do. Her ex came by and she just went into an anxiety attack. She wouldn't calm down. She passed out." he said shaking.
"Okay Seonghwa calm down, is she still breathing?" she asked.
He leaned down to listen to her,
"She's breathing but it sounds really muffled." he said into the phone.
Soo Ran sighed,
"Alright Seonghwa listen carefully to me. Take her to the hospital right now. I think her throat may have closed up. They need to get her breathing. I will meet you there."
"Okay. Okay." he nodded.
He hung up the phone and grabbed his jacket off the chair in the kitchen. He covered her in it. He didn't have time to dress her, all she had on was his shirt covering her small body. He carried her out of her house and to his car. He drove as fast as he could to the hospital with cops tailing him as he did but he wouldn't stop even for them. He was breaking all kinds of traffic rules just to get her to the hospital quickly. When he stopped, the cops came out to ask him what was going on. He checked her breathing again but he was so freaked out he wasn't sure he could hear her breathing or not. He quickly carried her into the hospital and ran inside.
"Please help me. She fainted, I don't know if she's breathing." he said.
The nurse called the emergency room right away and doctors came out and took her. The nurse gave him a clipboard to fill out. He sat down in the waiting room, the cops apologized to him and said they'd leave him alone because it was an emergency but suggested that next time he call the ambulance. Soo Ran had run in by that time and clarified that it was her that told him to take her to the hosptial quickly. The cops left and Seonghwa texted Ju Kyung that Y/n was in the hospital after having a major anxiety attack. He asked if she was okay but even he wasn't sure so Ju Kyung said that he'd be over soon.
"You said her ex showed up?" Soo Ran asked.
"He wanted to talk to her. I would've bashed his face in but she was just so scared." he said upset.
"Anxiety is hard to fight sometimes especially when a patient has so many things that can trigger them."
"She was getting better. I could see it." he said.
"Were you two intimate tonight?" she asked.
He looked at her as if wondering why she'd ask that.
"You're not wearing a shirt." she pointed out.
He just nodded with a blank face thinking about how terrible this entire situtation was but he remembered the way she told him that she loved him. He remembered the sounds of her moans and her whines. He remembered how she felt scared about him seeing the scars on her stomach. The scars were terrible he couldn't fathom what was going on in her mind to make her cut herself. He loved her so much and he felt so powerless to stop this from happening.
"So Anxiety attacks work in different ways for different people. For instance, Y/n cries when it happens but there are some patients that don't make a sound they just shake. People can have one symptom or multiple but Y/n's was already pretty bad. Her hyperventilating kicks up very quick and that causes her stress. The stress also causes her to have anxiety which is why I wanted her meditating and train herself to push past the fear and stress. It sounds like when this Ex of hers showed up he triggered such a severe anxiety attack that her stress level spike up quick and caused her muscles to constrict. That's very dangerous Seonghwa, it's the reason why her breathing was ragged and muffled her throat tightend and closed up from the stress and it made it hard for her to breathe." Soo Ran explained.
"I tried to calm her down but she wouldn't. He just- he really scared her. I've never seen her that scared before. I've never seen it that bad before."
"When I was about thirteen my little sister had an anxiety attack. It got really bad, she was bullied a lot and that caused a lot of her anxiety. One day a bunch of kids just ganged up on her and her anxiety went into over drive. No one tried to calm her down and she didn't know how to do it herself. Her stress level was over the roof and made her muscles tighten so much around her chest the anxiety attack led her to having a massive heart attack. She was in the hospital for three days before she died... People don't get it. An anxiety attack is the most uncomfortable thing in the world. A person is trapped inside their own mind when it comes to anxiety. Their fears, their worries, they don't talk because they think people don't care but they want someone to care so bad. They think they bother others or they feel selfish for wanting help but that's not the case. Their mind is feeding them lies. Their mind is weak but they have no idea they have the ability to over come all that fear. Fear is only as deep as the mind allows it to be." She said.
"Will the medication keep this from happening again?" he asked standing up, he just couldn't sit anymore.
"It will greatly ease her stress but I'd have to give her something stronger. The tranquilzers she has isn't going to work. That may be too much for her." she said.
"Can you give them to her?" he asked.
"At this point I don't think I have any other choice but Seonghwa you don't want her dependant on medication."
"I don't want her dying either. I don't want her suffering. She feels free now, she said so herself. You're right I don't want her dependant on medication but I can't stand seeing her suffer."
"Seonghwa do you know why I wanted to help Y/n in the first place?" she said.
He shook his head.
"Y/n is my little sister." she said.
He looked at her confused.
"Not the one from the story but her situation is just as real. I looked up her medical files I had to. Anyone with anxiety I want to help, it's not a money thing it's a human thing. My sister died because of it but when I went through her medical history somethings matched up. We share the same father not the same mother." Soo Ran said.
Seonghwa dropped to his knees baffeled.
"She- she doesn't know?" he asked.
She shook her head.
"I remember coming home after a few weeks away and my other siblings were whispering about how some girl had the nerve to show up to the house and claim that our father was hers. They said she ran away in tears but I never saw her and my father wouldn't talk about it. She was born while my parents were still married meaning-"
"She was the product of an affair." he said hurt.
A tear rolled down his cheek. He just shook his head.
"I wanted to tell her but I just didn't think the best time was now. She's still got heavy trust issues and my father has everything to do with it. He's a good man to us but he didn't want anything to do with her or her mother. He didn't want a reminder of his affair. She's my sister I can't just deny that. I'm telling you this because I need you to trust me. I want to help her but medications can lead to side effects Seonghwa. That's why I was trying to push her to start talking to one person at a time. I was adding on stress until she relaxed so I could train her, teach her that she can overcome it. I'm not saying that I'm not going to give her medication but I'm sticking with my orginal plan and I'll gradually reduce her dosage. I want to get her to a point where it doesn't effect her anymore. She can live normally, happily."
"I love her. I can't lose her but I'll trust you to do what needs to be done." he said.
She nodded and wiped her eyes. She had tears growing in them. The doctor allowed Seonghwa and Soo Ran to go back and see her. She was asleep on the bed with a mask on her face. She was hooked up to a machine. This wasn't how she was supposed to go to sleep tonight.
"She's stable now we had to use a mucles relaxer to get her throat to open back up. Her heart rate is stable but we had to put a breathing tube down her throat to get any air flow in her. She'll be fine by tomorrow." The doctor said.
Ju Kyung came in moments later to see her on the bed asleep. He looked furious,
"Where's your shirt?" he asked.
"You slept with her?" he looked upset.
"Yeah but I didn't hurt her, she had an anxiety attack because of that guy Myung Joon. He came by her place to see her." he said.
"He did what?" he seethed.
"Calm down now's not the time. She's stable that all I care about right now."
"Seong- hwa." she whimpered weakily.
He stepped over to her; she peeked her eyes open.
"Hi Kitten." he said.
"We have to change the number to zero again." she said.
He kissed her forehead.
"I know. Get some sleep okay." She nodded and fell asleep.
Seonghwa looked back to Soo Ran and Ju Kyung.
"What do we do now?"
Seeing him again had sent shock through your body but you never knew that, that much stress could send you into such a bizzare attack. Myung Joon said he just wanted to talk to you if you remembered correctly. You didn't want to see him again. Soo Ran had perscribed you knew meds that were stronger and didn't come in a cookie form. She wouldn't let you take the tranquilzer any more. Ju Kyung was very observant of you now, he was always making sure someone was around you. You felt bad for scaring him and Seonghwa. You wished you could settle yourself on your own. Myung Joon hadn't come back to the house and you didn't know why but you remember seeing Ju Kyung huffing into the studio furious and almost red. His fists were squeezed tight and his knuckles were bloodied. You wanted to ask but Seonghwa kept you out of it and talked to him instead. Seonghwa was twice as protective as before. Myung Joon hadn't come by again and Soo Ran was coming over for more sessions. The meds she gave you had you comfortable but you felt almost not there. Like you were always floating, it was like with the tranquilizers they kept you relaxed but you were perhaps too relaxed.
For the first time ever, you got out of the house by yourself to go take a walk. You just didn't want to be in the house and normally when you felt like that it forced you stay in but this medication had you wanting to go out and feel something. Anything at all. You made it to Han bridge and looked out at the water. The wind that hit you was warm and comforting you fell in love with it. You should've called Seonghwa to be with you but Anxiety's whispers crept into your head. You should let him be for a while he was working double duty since you passed out. You scared the living hell out of him. You turned your head to brush hair behind your ear and your eyes got wide.
He saw you too, it was just your luck the moment you decide to go out for a walk on your own that he would show up. Your heart beat rose and you started to tremble a little but it didn't get severe like last time. Your meds had you so over relaxed, even when your body tried to tell you you were scared out of your wits, you weren't having an attack like you normally would. Still your feet stuck into the ground because you couldn't move. You couldn't get away. You kept breathing, counting in your mind, so that you didn't let it get worse. You wanted to calm down. He stopped a few feet away from you to give you space.
Awfully kind of him.
You stared at him from your distance and waited for him to say something. He looked regretful, there was almost pain in his eyes. You stared at them but you weren't able to find your voice.
"I've never seen you that bad." he said softly.
You nodded. You had never been that bad before.
"Soo Hyuk was right wasn't he? That guy at your place... he was your boyfriend?" he asked.
You nodded. He nodded back. He sighed and looked off to the river as if looking for his next words.
"Are you trying to kill me?" you said weakly.
He looked back at you in confusion.
"No." he said.
"I had that reaction because of you. You scared me that much that I passed out because I couldn't breathe. My throat closed up, I scared my boyfriend and everyone is treating me like a special case. I was fine. I was getting better. I had almost thrity four days without an attack do you know how important that was to me? You showed up and you ruined it. Now you keep showing up so what do you want from me?" you said hurt.
"I wanted to apologize. That's why I came over that night. I wanted to talk about it.- Y/n I've lived with six years of your face that night and that hollow feeling when you left me the next morning. I was so stupid back then. I just thought you'd come back to me. I thought I didn't have to look for you, you'd be upset for a few days but you'd come back to me."
"You hurt me. You hurt me so much. That was my first time and you just took it away like it was nothing to you. It hurt Myung Joon. You hurt me." you cried.
He stepped forward but your feet were rooted you couldn't step back.
"I know. I'm so sorry baby. I am."
"Don't. Don't call me that. I'm not your girlfriend anymore." you said.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I was an idiot and you were just a kid. I shouldn't have been with you. I was selfish and I was always about myself. I never defended you when Soo Hyuk snapped at you but it always annoyed me when that happened. I was just waiting for the day that you'd snap back at him and show him that you weren't going to take his bullshit. I just thought about myself more than I thought about you. I'm sorry." he said.
"I'm sorry for letting you do those things to me. I wish I was strong enough to do it myself. To tell you how much of an ass you were to me. You terrify me and I hate that. I hate that I knew you were cheating and I didn't stop it, I didn't leave sooner. I hate that you broke my heart and even more my trust. The people around me now, they care about me and I can't trust them the way I want to because of you. Everything you've done to me, everything my family has done to me. All of you have hurt me and it just makes me wonder what is stopping me from jumping off a building or drowning myself." you said.
"Don't say that." he said stepping forward.
"I consistently wonder if the world would be better off without me. I was god's mistake. I was my parents mistake. I' m a burden to people I love and I can't stand it. I don't know what's keeping me here but sometimes I just wish it wouldn't. Sometimes I think my father was right, I should've never been born and my mother should killed me while I was still in the womb." you bit.
Why was all of this coming out now? Had you finally had enough with everything you were feeling that it was just spilling over? The tears you cried were by far the most calm tears you had ever cried. Myung Joon looked like his heart broke and he was finally close enough to pull you into his arms. He hugged you and you didn't know what to do. You heard him sniff and you looked up. He looked down at you.
"I had a friend that did what you did. He cut himself consistently everyday that's why when I saw them I snapped at you. He killed himself but he never told me a thing about how he was feeling. I knew he was cutting because of the scars. I talked to him, I tried to stop him. I tried to keep him from doing it and then one day he was just gone. Y/n you can think that there are people that don't care but you have so many people that would just be heart broken, their entire world would come crashing down if you left them. Please don't do anything to take your life. Please I am begging you don't do it." he said.
"I'm supposed to believe you now? What's the point?" you said wiping your tears as you pushed him away.
Maybe you could say it all because of the medication. You weren't sure you liked it this way either. He grabbed your face and kissed you, you pushed on his chest and tried to move back.
You heard Seonghwa's voice. Myung Joon let you go. You looked over to see Soo Ran and Seonghwa heading over to you. Seonghwa punched Myung Joon in the face. You went and pulled Seonghwa away.
"No please don't, don't." you begged him.
He cupped your face and kissed you briefly. He wrapped his arms around you and looked down at Myung Joon who was on the ground. He had blood in his mouth but he looked right up at you.
"Y/n he proved it. Don't do something stupid." he said.
He got up and walked past you while wiping his mouth. Seonghwa was pissed. He looked down at you and had you look up at him,
"What were you two talking about?" he asked you gently.
"He apologized to me." you said.
You started to walk away in the opposite direction from Myung Joon. Soo Ran and Seonghwa walked behind you. You felt like a Zombie at the moment.
He's right ,Seonghwa cares Y/n but look how tired he is.
Are you back?
Fire writers fanfiction
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