Your words in my head,
Knives in my heart,
You build me up,
And then i fall apart,
Cause i'm only human.
They sat in a circle, not being able to mutter a single word. Their phones kept vibrating on the side, new notifications pouring in every single second that passed. They were scared, scared because the messages held horrendous words, enough to tear a mind apart. The only thing that pained them most, is that even their fans have turned against them, left them in the dark. Is that what this has come to? All their hard work seemed to have fallen down like walls after being bombed, wethered, and having overgrown weeds slipping through the cracks… And all they could do is watch, watch in fear as the most messages were directed at a certain member.
The member stood up abruptly, surprising the members, they wanted the other to let out their feelings rather than keeping them locked up. But it wasn't so easy; no, how could they fall anymore when they have reached the ground? They've reached the bottom, but it won't help to just sit around and mourn over the social media- no matter how much it hurt. They were to keep moving forward, hoping that things would to get better. But how can they? How can they keep holding on to hope, when hope seems so out of reach nowadays? But no matter how much they wanted to give up, they couldn't bring themselves to. It doesn't matter how much hate they get because they know… they know that amongst those who want to see them fail… there are those who are telling them that it is going to be okay.
But you know what hurts the most? The most that has many idols wondering- why them? They're just trying to live and do what they love… What hurts the most is that some, if not many, thought this was a story about a male idol. News, articles, papers all say what goes on with male idols, but did most know that there's a new girl group that debuted? Or that a few disbanded in the span of four months? It hurts knowing this particular girl group, (most girl groups in this case), have to work harder just to get recognition. But it's okay. They'll get there one day.
She turned around from her members and walked towards her room, no one stopped her, no one even dared to move a single muscle. It was torturous to see their fellow friend in such pain, and even then, she bottled it all up inside, not wanting to seem the slightest of weak. A door closing bounced off the walls and the remaining members in the living room let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. The only other sound in the room seemed to be the occasional vibration of the phone resting on the vanity next to where their fellow member sat. They all looked at each other, with hurtful expressions. “I am sorry…,” the leader said after a while as she was the first to break the silence. She should have remained strong, but when a member was in pain because people were just unhappy, she tended to believe it was all her fault. After all, isn't a leader's job to look after their members? To protect them from as much harm as they can? But this is the real and cruel world, the world in which they have come to love, but despise at the same time. The leader asked herself, “Where did i go wrong?” she turned to her members whom all had tears in their eyes, trying to hold back. They all looked up to her to remain the strongest, but it was just too much when she just couldn't help but feeling like utter crap for not realizing sooner. For not protecting her friend.
The member stared at her computer, watching as more comments started pouring in. A new article was posted, and just the title was enough to know that she should not open it. But she's already done and numb after reading so many things about her and her friends. The article spoke about her being overweight, her thighs did not have a gap, and apparently her voice sounded different after her throwing up to try to reach the standards she was to follow. And not only that- no, they compared her body to one that is known as; “the perfection of beauty.” She stared at the photo filled with comparisons of her body versus the other, pointing out all of her very visible flaws. A single tear left her eyes involuntarily, as she scrolled down to the comment section, some were defending her, calling her beautiful, perfect, and other words she barely hears. But the majority were horrible, agreeing with the post, suggesting she do plastic surgery, or just pointing out more flaws.
I can turn it on,
Be a good machine.
More tears escaped, but she couldn't cry. She had to remain as strong as possible, and maybe try again tomorrow. But for now, she needed to let out feelings that have been trapped within her soul, and what other way to do it rather than to do what she loves best? Singing. It's how all of her frustrations were let out; her coping with things when they seemed to go terribly wrong. She brought a sleeve up to her eyes and wiped at them before once again, opening her twitter. Amongst the massive hate tweets, one stood out to her. Her cursor grazed over the tweet, slowly clicking it. Three words were written, along with a link and her username tag. “You're a human,” it read. A small smile made its way to her lips, but she couldn't tell whether it was forced or a genuine one. But then again, how many people have actually told her that? Not many…
Not knowing what to expect, the female reluctantly clicked on the cursor with the link, leading her to youtube. “Human; Christina Perri, lyrics” read the title. Slowly the song began to play, engulfing the room in the sad yet beautiful tune. Her eyes never left the screen as the singers voice caught her off guard with how beautiful the music is.
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am
By this time, she could feel her heart dropping down to the floor. Someone understood her? It seems that way… Tears filled in her eyes, but they did not fall. Could she cry?
'Cause I’m only human
Even though the line was bound to repeat itself, she couldn't help but finally break down in her room. If she is human, why is it so hard to be treated like one? Is it hard to just show a little appreciation? Or does her body weight determine her worth? Does the way she is treated have to do with the number of views, clicks, and likes? Because if so, then is she considered a human or an artificial robot who is supposed to be a certain way or else she could end up being hurt?
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
“H-help me…,” the female choked out more so to herself. She had never heard the song, but she sang the next lyrics to the best of her ability.
I can take so much,
Until i've had enough.
She fell to the floor, whimpering when her body crashed against the rough carpet. She was supposed to be the strongest, but she can't always be like that. She is, after all, a human trying to leave. The song came to an end, giving the girl both a reason to cry, and a newfound strength. But for now, she stayed on the floor, wanting to be left alone to her thoughts. A different video started playing, but it seemed to repeat the previous song. Her sides began to hurt as ugly sobs slipped past her chapped lips, but it was all she could do now.
Just a few moments ago, she promised herself not to cry. Her actions completely contradicted against her wants, and now she's on the floor, wondering where she went wrong to deserve all of this. She has always been told that people's words should not get into her, for they could be very deadly. But it's hard to listen when everything one hears, is what they've been hearing for far too long and from far too many people. Is this the effect of doing what she loves? Because if so, she just doesn't know how much longer she could go on.
Nevertheless, she sat up, looking up at the now vacant screen of her computer. A million tabs still lay open, but she knew that they were not going to be opened; at least not now. Tears still left her glassy eyes, but she knew that she isn't about to break down. “Ill cry tomorrow,” she whispered to herself, her voice a raspy low tone. The sentence was one she would tell herself everyday to keep her going forward. It was a simple sentence, but it gave her courage to keep moving, and strength to stand up and keep moving. Not today; no, today she doesn't fall down. Because tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow is the day she goes on stage with people screaming her name and telling her she maters. Today is just the day her demons took over body even if it was for mere moments. But not tomorrow; tomorrow she is to come back stronger no matter how many people love to see her go down. Because when the new day comes, a new person is taking over.
A knock was heard from outside the dressing room, the manager coming in to give the girls a small pep talk before it was officially time for their concert to begin. A sold out concert, he said, a wide goofy grin on his lips and the little creases in his eyes practically glowing. He was so happy- after all, it's their first concert in a foreign land. The manager fist pumped the air before shutting the door and disappearing to who knows where. The girls all looked at each other, each one having their own wide grin on their lips. A concert was definitely something worth looking forward to, and no way were they regretting a single moment. They may have gotten to the arena a few minutes late, but some members were hard to wake up after staying up late to learn a new song. The girls stood up and huddled around each other, their arms wrapping around the others in a group hug. “I am so proud of each and one of you,” the leader started as she made eye contact with each member, “You guys are my best friends, my sisters, my everything. And through everything, you've all remained strong. I truly am grateful to you girls.” The members awed, each one giving her their own hug. “Now, let's go out there and do what we love most!” The leader did her own type of fist pump and ran out of the dressing room, followed by the rest and equally excited members.
They all stood next to each other on the stage, the stage being bigger than anything they have ever performed in. They all looked at each other as millions of fans chanted their name in a single beautiful melody. They all felt the same way, each thinking the same thing; we made it, haters we’re ready for you. The crowd seemed to quiet down as a foreign yet well known song began playing. The member that seemed the weakest just the day before, moved forward, her eyes scaling the crowd, looking for that one person who just so happened to tweet she was going. Their eyes met, and with a single tear and a single smile, she began to sing the lyrics that already meant so much to her, to the single fan who gave her the strength to move forward. It only takes one person, one moment, for everything to be alright.