Who: Reader x Huang Zitao x Lee Seunghyun x Kim Minjun
What: Smut, Journey, Love
Story: Welcome to The Panda Zoo a club meant to bring fantasies to life and for get about the troubles of life. A step brother, ex boyfriend and your friend with benefits have two things in common the first is you but the second goes much deeper...
It's better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret. ~ Jackie Joyner- Kersee
Seunghyun was starting to notice you losing weight and that was starting to get to you. You knew you were going to start looking sick soon. You knew because you were feeling a little weaker, you knew you had dropped weight and it just didn't seem like you'd have much longer with them. Part of you wanted to cry, the other part was okay with what was going to happen. You enjoyed these moments with Seunghyun. You had written him a letter, all the guys got one for the day that you finally lost your battle. He asked you about your finaces in the future and what you really wanted to say was that you'd still have money by the time you died. You wanted to help them, they all had problems. Seunghyun wasn't really dealing well with the loss of Jiyong and you suspected he wouldn't deal well with your death either. You thought of Tao who had gotten quiet aggressive with you the other day at Panda Zoo. He had something on his mind, something weighing heavily and it was getting to him far more than he wanted to admit to you. You wanted him to talk to you and then there was Minjun. He kept letting Nichkhun back into his life, he understood that he wanted to take care of him but sometimes saying no is what people needed to kick start them into making a change in their life. Minjun was a sweetheart and he was loyal to his friends he just couldn't find a way to let Nichkhun go. He needed to stop letting him take advantage of him and he needed to start saying no to him so that he'd really see that he had no one left to enable him. Once that happened he would actually start to get help. Minjun was mostly afraid that Nichkhun would just cut everyone out of his life and eventually he would either take his own life or he would die from an overdose because he found someone else to enable him. Still the more he let him take advantage of him the harder it was for him to actually get free of his addiction.
Seunghyun was watching you eat and you wondered how you might tell him and when you would tell him. You had fallen for him and you had seen his feelings for you very clearly. You knew that he felt the same as you did but you didn't try to act on the feelings. You kept it as friends with benefits. You kept it in an area where you two would spend time together and be honest with each other and still have fun but there wouldn't be any guilt, there wouldn't be any pain, that's what you were trying to avoid. It wasn't his fault, it would never be his fault for your death but you were afraid of how he might react after you died. That somehow he might find away to blame himself again. Jiyong's death had taken a toll on him and he had you to help him through it. You understood his pain, you comforted him but would the others be enough for him to realize that death was just an unfortunate part of life? It was scary thinking you weren't going to be with him anymore and that was the reason you avoided talking about it. You wanted to be with him forever but you didn't have forever to spend, just a few moments left.
"Are you sure you don't want more to eat? I'm buying." Seunghyun said.
"Actually no I'm full I could barely finish what was on my plate. Thank you Panda." you smiled.
"Y/n I think maybe you should eat a little more. I'm serious it's okay I'm not going to judge you or anything if that's what you're thinking." he said
"Oh please if you think I give two shits about your judgement I wouldn't be sleeping with you." you smiled.
He looked at you oddly and you laughed at the face he made. You started to cough again and had to cover your mouth. You cleared your throat after the coughing fit. You smiled and said,
"Don't apologize. Anyway someone should be giving you a card today, who are you hoping for?" he asked.
You looked at him and said,
"As if you didn't already know."
He smiled and you decided to tease him by saying,
He looked at you annoyed and you started laughing again,
"Oh come on I'm messing with you but honestly Ri Ri you have to learn to share you get me all the time."
"I want you tonight though."
"Well you could have me to day." you smirked.
He looked at you seriously,
"I really need you to be with me tonight, even if you don't get my card will you stay at the club with me?"
You looked at him oddly,
"Why don't you just show me it now Seunghyun?" you asked.
"It's special." he said.
You felt moved by that and gave him a smile. You reached for his hand and took it in yours.
"Alright Ri, I will stay and see your Domain if I don't get you tonight." you promised.
He kissed the back of your hand and said,
You smiled at him and nodded. You looked at your phone that was buzzing,
"Oh shit!" you said.
"Fuck I forgot about my appointment. Seungri I'm sorry I have to go." you said rushing to get your things together.
"Wait let me pay the bill and I'll take you." he said.
"No no that's okay I'll see you back at the club." you said
You hurried out the door, you heard Seunghyun call after you,
You didn't look back mostly because you wanted to cover up another cough that you had. You hailed a cab and took it to the hospital. If Seunghyun took you there he'd find out about what was going on. You weren't going to spring it on him now. You went to the doctors for your regular check up. They gave you another set of pills and she checked your blood and gave you an MRI. The worst part about this is that they weren't even sure what the tumor was or what caused it. It wasn't cancerous, well they weren't exactly sure of that but it was a tumor none the less. It would grow and then it would shrink and they had no idea why. The meds helped with the head pain and the seizures it sometimes sent you into. Your mother had been there for one of the bad ones. Even as a nurse, she'd been rattled by the sight and honestly that's where you thought everything might end. It was also part of the reason you decided to live how you chose.
You were just getting out of treatments when you walked out into the hallway and bumped into someone. You looked at him with wider eyes and then chuckled,
"Minjun." you said.
"What are you doing here?" you both asked at the same time.
You chuckled softly and looked up at him,
"What's going on?" you said.
If you could focus on him more than yourself than you could easily avoid having to answer the question.
"I'm just visiting." he said.
You crossed your arms,
He sighed but that guilty look on his face let you know that was exactly what was going on. You sighed,
"OD." he said sadly.
"How did he even get money to get more drugs?" you said.
"I think my maid left him for a moment and he stole something. I had all my stuff locked up I guess he just-"
"Give up on him." you said sharply.
He looked up at you shocked.
"Minjun damn it, can't you see he's using you? He knows you're taking pitty on him and if you continue down this path you're know better than the people selling drugs to that junkie." he said upset.
"He's not a-" he stopped himself because of the loud and aggressive tone he took.
"He's not a Junkie. He's going through something."
"Yeah like three years in the making. Drugs destroyed his brother and so instead of learning from that poor decision he decided to repeat it. You're going to fall down the same damn rabbit hole as him Minjun if you keep this up. I'm all for giving people second chances but people have to be told no sometimes. They have to know where the line is drawn, they have to know that there is an end and a very dark side to this world. At the end of life comes death and you already know how Seungri is dealing with that pain and it wasn't even his fault. I know you Minjun you'd blame yourself a lot harder than you're blaming yourself now and I'm afraid of you losing yourself alot more than I'm afriad of you losing him. He chose his posion, don't drink after him." you said.
He sighed and looked away, Minjun wasn't hearing you. You wanted him to but he just wasn't it was like he just wanted to fall with Nichkhun. It was hard to say no to a friend, to not help them when they were in need but part of helping Nichkhun was denying him help so that he was completely cut off. He had to go to rehab, he had to stay, he had to see how he was destorying the people that loved him, especially Minjun, otherwise he was going to get dragged down with him. You sighed,
"Look I'm sorry it's just- I hate seeing you like this."
"I know... Anywa, what are you doing here?" he asked.
Shit you forgot you were trying to keep his focus off of you.
You were about to speak when a doctor said,
"Oh Y/n. Here I want you to take this to the pharmacy and get your perscription it's a higher dosage. It seems the tumor swelled up again."
You took the prescription trying not to cuss when he outed you like that. Minjun looked at the Doctor and then you.
"Tumor? What tumor? There's a tumor?" he said worried.
"Thank you Doctor." You smiled and walked away.
"Wait Y/n you're not just going to walk away from me." he called after you.
You stopped and turned around,
"Not here... Not here." you said.
He followed you out and took the cab with you to go to the zoo. You stuffed the persciption in your pocket and you two walked into the zoo while you bought cotton candy. Actually, he paid for it despite your protest.
"Y/n what's going on?" he asked.
"I have a tumor in my head that's killing me." you said softly.
He stopped you from walking,
You nodded. He took in a deep inhale and looked away,
"So that's why you've lost weight, because of a tumor. What is it cancer?"
"Yeah or some weird strain of it even they're not sure. I was getting seizures and I fainted a few times at work. The tumor grows then shrieks then swells up again. It's killing me and they don't know what to do. Radiation aggrivates it for some odd reason; they want to cut my head open and remove it but it's too big and the risk is too high; I'd end up dying on the table anyway. They've been trying to find treatments and ways to get it to get smaller so that they can get it out. They put me on pain medication and another medication to stop the random seizures. Just about the only thing they know is that it's not something I can spread. I don't know I think they think it's a number of things that fused together and made a super cancer or something." you said.
He looked at you hard and gave you a hug. You hugged him back but this was exactly what you didn't want. You didn't want anyone feeling sorry for you.
"Does Seunghyun know?" he asked.
"No and he can't. He's already going through so much with Jiyong's death I just couldn't tell him."
"Y/n he's in love with you, you know that? That'll devistate him if you go and he has no idea why." Minjun said.
"No Minjun. I don't want him to know. Think about how that conversation might be for me. How hard it would be for me to explain to him that we can't be together because it would only be short lived, eventually I'm going to die and leave him too? Look, I'm finally living freer than I've ever been before. I'm doing the things I want to do with the time that I still have left on this planet. I've enjoyed the beauty of the ocean and the spring and the winter and the fall. I've embraced the rest of the life I have and I will continue to live like that until the day this thing kills me. They don't even know if it's the tumor killing me, they think it's only apart of the problem. There is no guarentee that even if they do get a chance to remove it that I'm still going to live and I just can't- I can't do that to him. I couldn't do it to any of you that's why I didn't want to talk about it." You said.
"Okay but hiding this from us, that doesn't make it any better. You may be saving us from heartbreak right now but think about the heartbreak we'll be living with when you're gone not having had the chance to say goodbye. That's selfish too." he said.
You looked away from him and tried to force tears away. You didn't want to talk about the end, you made a front that you accepted it and you mostly had but you would be leaving three boys that you adored so much. You just couldn't leave it this way but you couldn't tell Tao or Seunghyun that your end was coming. You had a few months, maybe, if that.
"God, would you at least tell him you love him Y/n? He needs to at least hear that from your lips. If you insist on being that selfish then just for once admit your true feelings to him. Give him the chance to know that. He deserves to know." Minjun said.
You looked up at him with sad eyes. You didn't answer, you looked away and walked deeper into the Zoo to look around at the animals. A part of not having to talk about you dying was that you could distract yourself with everything else. You didn't have to give into the reality that was your on coming death. You didn't have to let it be real you could enjoy life and let death sneak up on you like it was supposed to. You didn't want to know the end but admittedly you didn't want to go without Seunghyun knowing how you truly felt. It was complicated and you weren't sure what you were going to do. You just wanted to live...
Laugh your heart out
Dance in the rain
cherish the moment
ignore the pain
Live, Laugh, Love
forgive and forget
Life's too short to be
living with regrets.
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