Who: Reader x Kwon Hyukwoo
What: Angst, Smut (eventually)
Story: Letters come in from your ex explaining his actions that led to your break up. While he seeks redemption he also wonders if you're happier now that you've moved on or if there's a chance to win you back.
I never saw the things I was doing to you. Not entirely. I just never thought about it. The truth is for those moments I didn't care. You already know how selfish I was being but I really just wanted to satisfy the urges that were growing inside of me. There were times I convinced myself I didn't need you but the truth was... I knew I was hurting you. Deep down I knew this might kill you and so I tried to convince myself it would be best to let you go but I just... Couldn't. I was wrong on so many levels. I had hurt you so much and I acted as if it was your fault but it wasn't it never was and you know that. I just wanted relief I wanted a moment where I could just enjoy being free and not having rules to hold me back. I'm letting you know now that I understand your rules. I know why you have them, I know what's going on in your mind but I can't lie. It hurt seeing you in the bathroom with him. You'd never do that with me, why is he different? I get that he cares about you, he probably shows it a lot more than me but when we started out I was showing you all the affection I could, all that you would allow me anyway. Why does he get to do these things with you? Why do you let him push his lollipops in your mouth after he's had it in his? Why do you sip after his iced coffee or eat from the same ice cream cone. I've seen you two walking around together too many times. I've see the way you two interact with each other and it hurts because I wanted that for us. I wanted us to be like that. You still have your rules don't you? He still has to follow them doesn't he? Then why are you giving him the ability to get close. You never gave that to me? You guys have been dating a few months, in the first few months that I was with you why didn't you want to do those things with me? I have to know, don't I have at least a little right to know why he got more chances than I did. I know I've screwed up but even before I even started to stray, long before I saw anyone other than you- I couldn't get you to do any of those things with me. He touches you, he holds your hand, you sat on his lap. None of those things I could ever do with you but Y/n I wanted them so bad Angel. I wanted you to be with me. To let me love you the way that other couples do. Your OCD was powerful, you always said it was slight OCD that it wasn't that big of a deal, you only said that because you didn't need medication and at some point I think it was you just trying to lie to yourself so that you did act normal. Y/n you are normal you act like everyone else you just have quirks and rules that make you stand out. You have OCD but it's not like you're walking around with a third eye. People aren't without their baggae, they're not without their faults and for a long time I never saw your OCD as a fault in you. I'm wondering what the fault in me was that you couldn't allow yourself to break your own rules. You can do it with Jung Kiseok but you couldn't do it with me. I still want that Angel. I still want you. I have to know, you have to tell me honestly... Are you happier with him than you ever were with me?
After reading that letter, you felt some part of your heart tearing apart. You didn't really know what to tell him. Perhaps because of your heart ache you found it necessary to try and break your rules. The thing was with Hyuk he always made it seem like this huge deal that you had rules. He made it sound like you had him in captivatity all the time and that wasn't the case. Honestly, you were more of a captive than he was. You were a germ-a-phob but you wanted the same things that he wanted you just weren't able to give them up so easily. You wanted to be able to walk around hand and hand with him, let him kiss you on the cheek, on the lips, on the neck. You wanted his hands to be on you like you had seen a few couples when you two walked down the road.
Why were you okay with doing this for Kiseok?
You didn't really know, Kiseok just gave you a feeling of safety and comfort that Hyukwoo didn't. You felt guilty all the time even when you were at your happiest with him. In the back of your heart, you felt guilty that he couldn't kiss you in front of his friends during his celebration party. You felt bad that you spent most of his birthday one year cleaning up after guests because you couldn't handle all the trash building up. You figured he was embarrased by you even though you had thrown the party for him and Jay, Ju Kyung, Seonghwa and Mintaek all raved about how much fun it was. It was on the same level as their parties but you weren't entirely sure whether or not they were trying to comfort you or if it was really fun. You remembered him screaming at you during one fight that he was just so sick of not being able to touch you. He complained about how he couldn't sit on the couch until he changed his clothes, that he couldn't get in bed with you until he showered, that you wouldn't let him have sex with you in bed.
Those fights were the worst because it was like he was labeling everything that was wrong with you. He made you feel like germ under a microscope. He made you feel exposed and not in the liberating way it was like it was a shame display. Shame on you for being afriad of germs. Shame on you for being clean. Shame on you for trusting him when he said he liked you that way. Maybe what it all came down to was, in order for you to move on you had to give him an answer to his question: are you happy?
Kiseok was everything to you at the moment. You had given him a lot more trust than you meant to but you felt more comfortable with him than Hyukwoo right? Kiseok did push you, he pushed you to break out of your rules but his ways were subtle and he distracted you mostly from all the fears you had as he was doing it. You remembered pulling him into bed a few nights ago, you two had sex in his bed and he was so happy about it. He washed his sheets for you, he let you shower and changed your clothes out, he washed your clothes for you despite not having gotten dirty at all. He pushed you out of your boundries while still enabling your habits but some how that made you less afraid of being with him. Perhaps it was because Hyukwoo wasn't pushing the boundries he was just fighting you instead. When he did try to push, it made you uncomfortable like it was either his way or no way at all. It was an odd relationship but you were blindly in love with him. Honestly, you loved the fact that he loved you, that he was paying attention to you and adoring you. You loved that he looked at only you for a long time. You liked that he accepted you as you were without seeing you as a freak but Kiseok was right, he just couldn't handle it. Yet, it was for that exact reason, you were scared that Kiseok might do the same to you. He kept reminding you that he could handle it, that he could handle you but you weren't even sure anymore. It was the first few months of being with him, what would happen when you two reached a year or two or five? Where would you be? Still with him or wandering around broken hearted and probably intent on giving up finding anyone because you just couldn't handle the heartache any more.
You folded up the letter and put it in your box with the others. You had on your sweat pants and white tank top and you pulled your hair behind your head. You were off today and you were getting some cleaning done, you also needed to go out to get food to make dinner for your parents. They were supposed to be coming over. You decided to put a cover over the couch to avoid having to freak out about the couch getting dirty. Were you ever going to get a bit of normalcy or was your life always going to be like this? You were always going to constantly clean up messes that hadn't even been made yet. Part of your mind was telling you this was illogical the house was in perfect condition aside from a few glass cups sitting on your counter that you had to wash.
Those couldn't stay there.
You headed into the kitchen, they had to be put away now that you had seen them, acknowledge their presecence. You were in the middle of washing the dishes when you heard a knock at the door. You turned off the water and headed over to look through the peep hole. You saw Seongwha and Mintaek at the door with Jay in the back. You opened the door and looked at them confused,
"What's going on?" you asked.
Seonghwa gave you a soft smile,
"How's it going Y/n? Want to come out with us today?" he asked.
You blinked at him as if he spoke in a different language. It had been forever since you guys went out casually and they all just showed up out of the blue as if everything that happened hadn't happened at all. It threw you for a loop for a moment you wondered if you and Hyukwoo had actually broken up. You then saw the Kiseok's jacket hanging on your coat rack, he'd left it by mistake. He was supposed to come by and get it at some point. He texted you about coming by after work or something. You came back to reality and looked at Seonghwa and Mintaek. You looked up at Jay who gave you a big smile which made you smile back.
"Come on baby girl we could use your company." Jay said.
"Oh be careful calling me that Kiseok gets jealous sometimes. I actually I would love to come out with you guys but I have to go out and by food for my parents. They're flying in today and I'm making dinner so I have to make sure I have everything." You said.
"That's perfect because we were going out to pick up some food too." Mintaek said.
You looked at him and figured they weren't going to let you ditch them so easily. It had been such a long time since you had hung out with any of them.
"Yeah okay." you said.
You grabbed Kiseok's jacked and put it on over your tank without thinking and put on your shoes. You grabbed your house keys and your wallet and walked out of the house with them. Mintaek and Jay smiled.
"Can I hug you?" he asked.
You looked at him not wanting to say no but you didn't want to say yes either. You tried to swallow everything in you that was telling you, you had no idea where he had been and what he had touched or who he had hugged. You quickly leaned over with open arms and he hugged you. You squeezed your eyes shut and bit your lip. He let you go and you took in a deep breath.
"You've changed a bit kid." Jay said.
"Yeah it would seem so." you said.
He and the others laughed and Seonghwa led you to the car with them. You all piled in and made it to the grocery store. They all kind of acted hyper around you, making jokes for old times sake and making it all seem so normal and like it was before. Seonghwa helped you pick out foods and Jay and Mintaek stayed behind you and him chatting like they always did when they got stuck shopping with you. Maybe it was that they liked keeping you company or that they didn't want you to be left alone so they came with you. You looked up at Seonghwa after checking some cabbage,
"Hey Seonghwa, what are you guys doing here all of a sudden?" you asked.
He looekd at you and smiled,
"Would you believe me if I told you we all missed you and that me seeing you a few days made me miss you."
"I don't know if I should believe you. After all you were Hyukwoo's friend first."
"We're no here for him to get you back I promise. I wouldn't lie to you." he said.
"But you all hid the truth from me once. That crushed me you know and having to let all of you go just so that you wouldn't have to choose between us too that was even harder." you said.
He sighed and nodded, he picked up another cabbage and said,
"I know and if I could go back and change it I would, I'd tell you the moment I found out. In a gentle way but I'd let you know. It wasn't for loyalty we didn't say anything to you Y/n."
"It was because we thought you we were protecting you." Jay butted in.
You didn't realize that Mintaek and him had stopped talking and started listening in on your conversation. You looked at them.
"Protecting me got me more hurt you know that right?" you said.
"We do and we didn't want to stop seeing you Y/N. We all told Hyukwoo how he was wrong but honestly it's been eating away at us because we were wrong too. We let him do that to you." Mintaek said.
"I told him to stay away from you Y/n. We're your friends too we don't have to choose a side we can be on both and respect the fact that you don't want to be around him anymore." Seonghwa said.
"Do you know that he sends me letters?" you asked.
"He explained what happened. His reason for cheating, he's apologized to me mulitple times but he's looking for an in I know he is. He wants me to go back to him." You said.
"What do you want?" Mintaek asked.
"I want- Kiseok." you said.
You looked up at all of them and they just looked back at you with unchangin expressions.
"He makes you happy doesn't he? Really happy?" Jay asked.
"He makes me feel safe, sometimes I'm guarded around him and then he makes the guard fall effortlessly. I falling for him in a different way I fell for Hyukwoo. I think when I dated Hyukwoo it was like blind devotion I just wanted to love him and I wanted him to love me but with Kiseok it's like- I look forward to hearing from him everyday even if he's just calling to check up on me. He tells me random stuff that's sometimes so stupid I can't help but laugh. He makes me go beyond my comfort zone and that's freeing but with Hyukwoo I think I just became more trapped the more frustrated he got with my OCD. He's familiar to me I think that's why I love him so much." you smiled.
Seonghwa nodded looking you deep in the eyes. He had a sort of sad tint to his eyes but he smiled like he was happy for you. You figured it was because that meant you really were moving on from Hyukwoo. Maybe it was time to get rid of the letters, maybe it was time to end everything between you two. Forgive and move on...
The boys took you home and helped bring in your food for you and you started to get thing prepared since you parents decided that they'd catch a cab to your place after they check into their hotel. You were looking forward to seeing them and you had so much fun hanging out with the guys again. Since you had the wrap on the couch, you let them sit down and watch TV and then they headed out sometime around six o'clock. You parents arrived shortly after.
"Eomma, Appa!" you greeted them happily.
They walked in and your mother was so happy to see you that she hugged you. You wrestled with the fact that you had to push her off our endure the hug. You had already taken a shower and changed from preparing food and from shopping earlier that day. You were in jeans and a bright blue shirt with no sleeves. You hair was pulled back behind you in a ponytail with a few little whisps to frame your face. Your parents took their shoes off and walked into the house.
"This place is always so clean ever time we come here." your mother said.
"I like it when it's clean. It's easier to find things." you said.
"How have you been sweetie?" You father asked.
"Much better Appa. I have a boyfriend now too." You said.
You parents looked at each other and you were kind of hurt by th shock on their faces but you understood where it came from. You gave them a smile and said,
"He's very nice, I think he's stopping by later on. He has to come get his jacket maybe you two will still be here when he arrives."
You headed into the kitchen to start getting things ready for dinner. You pulled out plates and set the table for them and then got out your wine glasses. You had a soft sweet white wine that was hard to find but Kiseok ended up buying it for you when he went on tour somewhere. You couldn't remember the place. You started bringing out the food and they filled their plates while you all caught up. You even talked to them about how you found out you were allergic to kiwii's. Your mother at first was appalled that she had no idea but she was happy that Kiseok took care of you. Your father was interested in Kiseok, he asked a lot of questions about him most of which you could answer but you were still getting to know about Kiseok yourself. You were almost done eating with your mother and father trailing behind you. You heard the door unlock and you looked in the direction. You saw Kiseok's head poke in and you stood up and walked over to him. You smiled at him and h took off his shoes. He held out his arms to you and you shook your head,
"I've hugged a lot of people today." you said.
He chuckled. He used his forefinger to pat his cheek for a kiss from you and you sighed and approached him cautiously. You pecked his cheek quickly and he laughed at you.
"You're took cute."
"My parents are here." You said.
His face seem to fall a little and he looked up to see them looking at him. He smiled again and waved.
"Come eat with us. I wrapped the chairs so you don't have to change." you said.
He looked down and laughed at you,
"Um I don't think I should it seems like a family affair." he said.
"Join us, we want to meet the man that's wooed out daughter." You father said.
You reached out for Kiseok's hand and he looked at your hadns locked together and then he looked up at you. He smiled big and kissed you quick, his hand touching your cheek but you ignored it. You ignored it because it was him. He walked in with you and you went and got him a plate. You father was staring at him for awhile, while your mother talked his ear off. Your father suddenly asked,
"Wait you're from Busan right?"
Kiseok looked at him and nodded silently. He looked like something was wrong.
"How old are you again?" he asked
"Why are you asking that?" You mother asked.
You looked at you father.
"He reminds me of someone." your father answered.
YOu looked at Kiseok.
"Who?" You asked looking back at you dad.
"Jagi, doesn't he look like that high school kid that used to walk Y/n home from school when she was getting bullied." he said.
Kiseok looked like he grew pale, your mother looked up at him.
"Oh wait, yeah now that you say it. I remember him." she said.
"How old are you?"
"He's thirty three appa." you answered.
"That's about the same age difference between her and the boy. It was you wasn't it."
You looked at your father.
"Wait but I don't remember getting bullied in Busan, or anyone walking me home." you said.
"Honey, you got hit by a car by mistake. Those kids were picking on you again and you were running from them wen you stepped out and got hit. The doctors said you had amnesia and that your memory might not come back. After a while we just kind of gave up trying to get your memory back. We ended up leaving Busan for Gwang ju, then Yeosu."
You looked up at Kiseok who was looking down at his palte,
"Wait that means that the girl- I knew you before?" you said shocked.
He looked up at you,
"Y/n, I love you-"
"Why didn't you say anything? I don't understand." you asked.
You and Kiseok knew each other in past...
House of Exctessy Taglist @JasminMartinez @LeviLasvegas @170cme @divanicola05 @Lilura @KoreanDramaMaMa @SunnaWalo @Foxxyjinxx @DamarisCisneros @dchapple45 @TingTingShi @turbidmocha @TiffanyDixon @miruchii @EvodiaEbraheem @Airess95 @MelissaGarza @AbbyRoscoe @kaylie1597 @KenyaMendoza @QueenPandaBunny @JessicaEvaristo @hopesforsuga711 @KeraDelatorre @sung1rl199674 @hedgesloth @Znae @jademarie4567 @MaggieHolm @RKA916 @royalpandajedi
Taglist: @jaysbae13 @princess2425 @Tiffany1922 @Anna5221 @VKookie47 @yaya12 @Starbell808 @kisashimizu16 @Mrsax2018 @dchapple45 @matty0203 @loljan17 @priscy513 @Izzy987 @Elizabeth1234 @reyestiny93 @Kimnam94 @Lopleaf19 @Tamaki1618 @momina427 @yeniyx23 @RKA916 @kpopaddict16 @luna1171 @Dreemer13 @MissT615 @AlexisJ15 @elishafisher @griseldazenger @Alyessiazavala @Parktaemi @sarahdarwish @JaxomB @Queenlee @JessicaEvaristo @emilycayetano @herosbells @JasmineGregory @Animezkpopgirl @Xionheart @isisMayaVelasco @Melissagarza @makidabebe @orihemay @Queenlele @KpopQueenabee @sierrakuper @PrettieeEmm @ScarletMermaid @senia @hskswife @AlexisRiver @StefaniTre @selfishmachines @AdeleLynn @JeniseRamos @SindyHernandez @MomoCamie @KristinaCaron @DasiaB @peachchild @pharmgirlerin @BTSxEXO @QueenPandaBunny @MaritessSison @ParkHwaYoung @SaraHanna @Ivonsvon @yukigintokie @NooRiNoona @chenisbaekasy @JacksonWangxMe @Matokokepa @Znae @Taekookiemonster @MsLoyalHeart @justcallmekyki @miruchii @ayleenchavezu @Senia @teatimefoxy @ImHayley @SarahHibbs