Who: Reader x Jung Kiseok
What: Angst, Smut (eventually)
Story: Letters come in from your ex explaining his actions that led to your break up. While he seeks redemption he also wonders if you're happier now that you've moved on or if there's a chance to win you back.
You looked at him confused,
"Wait I don't understand so you knew me before, back in the past? The girl in your story she was me? Why didn't you just say that when I asked you?" you asked softly.
He looked down for a moment and looked away from you. He took in a deep breath and looked up at your mother and father.
"I apologize for the intrusion. I don't want to ruin your dinner." Kiseok said.
He stood up and you stood up after him and held onto him.
"Are you leaving me?" You asked.
He looked at you like he was in pain but you didn't understand why. You knew that he felt guilt you could see it when he told you the story the night you asked him. You wondered why he seemed so defensive when he told Seonghwa he couldn't lose you. Kiseok brought his hand up to your cheek. You made a little face and he gave you a soft smile and pulled his hand away.
"This is just something I shouldn't discuss in front of your parnets." he said.
"Well then wait for them to leave but I want you to stay." you said.
He looked almost touched by the confession but it was true. You weren't mad at him but just really confused. What was so bad about you knowing that you two had met before? All this time you had been wondering why he felt so familiar but that might've been it. Your mind didn't remember him but your heart sort of did. There was comfort you got from him, you wondered what your realtionship was with him before. He said that he thought of her, or rather you, as a little sister. So did that change at some point or did he lie to you? Or was it that, when you two met again, he wanted to go out with you? You had questions you wanted answers to and if he didn't want to talk about it in front of your parents you could respect that. In fact, the more aware you were that they had seen this display the more you sympathised with this notion. They really didn't need to know what was going on between you two. You and Kiseok sat back down and your mother very awkwardly moved past the subject. Your father played along but he kept eyeing Kiseok, which made you wonder what your father was thinking. He would catch you looking at him and then he'd smile at you and look away. He'd engage in conversation and then he'd look at him again. What happened between your father and Kiseok? Your mother started fixing things on your table, which was actually getting to you because she was setting it in the wrong place so you decided to take the dishes and take them into the kitchen to wash. Your mother told your father it was time to go and she called to you that they'd see you tomorrow. You walked out to the edge of the kitchen and waved them goodbye. Kiseok followed them to the door but you asked him to stay again. He nodded and said he was just going to lock the door. You were probably just going to go back to the door to unlock it and then relock it. That was a habit that was starting to develop even though he was trying to help ease your OCD. You now had to go back and check everything off in your head twice just to make sure you got it done. You washed your hands and tried to forget about your face for a second. It was fine, you wanted him touching you but it was kind of bugging you a little. It took about a good five minutes into mid dishwashing for you to go to the bathroom and wash your face. You came back out later and he looked up at you in that solemn way. You sighed,
"Why didn't you just tell me? That it was me?" you asked.
"You're having some trouble trusting me right now aren't you?"
"Well my trust was too easily given away the first time I just don't want to be wrong."
"Do you feel like you're wrong now? Wrong for being with me?" he asked.
You stepped closer,
"Kiseok, why didn't you tell me?" you asked.
"Answer the question baby girl." he asked softly.
He sighed slightly annoyed.
"Because I know you don't trust me right now Y/n. If I had told you how I knew you back then and I failed you-"
"You never failed me Kiseok."
"I left you alone because I was chasing some ass in high school." he said upset at himself.
You looked at him feeling your heart sting. It was in high school he wasn't cheating on you now but the fact that he was with someone else struck a nerve. He probably felt the same when he thought about you dating Hyukwoo. Kiseok wiped a hand over his face and sighed harshly. You could see his eyes were wet. He looked up at you,
"The girl I was helping at school, I liked her. I was chasing after her all the time even when I came to meet you and take you home so those little assholes would leave you alone. I don't know how, I don't even know why but I let myself forget about you and I went for her and because of that- because I stayed behind you got hit."
"Kiseok I wasn't your responsiblity."
"No, you were. You were, that's how I know your father seriously hates me because he knew I gave you hope. God Y/n I adored you so much, you were just this innocent kid. I loved you. It's not the same love I feel for you now but I did love you. I saw those kids bugging you and I felt like I should make them stop but I could see how scared you were to have to make the trip back home the next day after what I had done. So I kept coming, I kept walking you home and you used to hate holding my hand, you wouldn't let me hold yours. You pushed my hand away anytime it met your back so that I could keep you close. I thought it was adorable and funny and every time I left I tried to learn a little more about OCD to figure out what exactly I was dealing with. So I learned and I figured out how to work around it, I learned that I could get you to trust me... trust me enough that I could test you and push you beyond your comfort. It was so hard but one day you were talking to me and we came up to the cross walk. We had to wait for cars to pass and as soon as the light turned you wrapped your pinky finger around mine and walked across with me. I mean once we got to the other side you used handsanitzer but I was so happy. So I asked you if I used handsanitzer too would you give me your hand and you said yeah. It seemed like that moment, all that work it went to waste, it was for nothing because I ended up losing you. You didn't remember me and that was supposed to be my punishment I guess. When we met again, I wanted to do it the right way; I wanted to prove I could really be there for you."
"So when we met again did you still think of me like a little sister?" you asked.
He shook his head slowly while his eyes drew up your body.
"I saw you as a woman. Admittedly, I wanted you the way a man wants a woman. I just- I wanted to start over and have a fresh start, I wanted to be seen in a light where I wouldn't be considered a failure in your eyes or a betrayer. I wanted you to trust me and be right to trust me."
You stepped closer until your bodies were almost touching. You took in a small inhale and brought your hands to his face and leaned closer to him.
"Okay but Kiseok, you don't earn my trust by lying to me. No matter how much you think it's going to hurt, no matter how much it hurts, I can forgive you a lot faster than if you lie to me. Hyukwoo is just now learning that. If he would've told me the truth about how he felt I don't know if we'd be together or broken up but I can tell you that I wouldn't be so hurt about what he did to me. I can accept the truth if you don't want me because my OCD is too much to handle rather than you cheating on me behind my back but saying you love me to my face. Lying is not okay, it's not. I mean I knew you in the past and I forgot because I got hit by a car. It was a mistake it wasn't your fault, you didn't hit me and who's to say that if you were there I still wouldn't have gotten hit?"
"Y/n." he whispered softly and kissed the palm of your hand.
"Kiseok when you told me that story I could see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice how guilty you felt but I wasn't your responsibility and it wasn't your fault. We've met again after years of speration we're here together, doesn't that account for anything?" you asked.
"Of course it does. I love you." he said.
"Then love me and I'll love you. All past mistakes, whether intentional or not, are forgiven and forgotten. I love you and yes it partly has to do with Hyukwoo's betrayal but it also has to do with the fact that I'm scared that one day I'll wake up and you're going to say this is over because I have too many rules, too many habits and I freak out when things get a little out of order. I don't want to lose you."
He ghosted his hand over your arm and you took in a shaky breath, he looked you in the eyes. You felt like he was happy to hear that but he still seemed sad, like he still held the weight of what happened to you on his shoulders. You didn't know what you could do to prove it to him, that you were okay as long as he spoke the truth. That you didn't care that he didn't show up to walk you home, you didn't blame him. If anyone was to blame it was the boys for trying to scare you, or your parents. They knew Kiseok was walking you home for a reason right? Why didn't they just show up to meet you? How could they leave your well being in the safety of a teenage boy? He was barely a grown up himself. Your father had no right to be upset at him or to even slightly blame him for what happened it wasn't his fault.
"I love you I can't lose you again. I'm never letting you go." he whispered.
He was coming closer to your lips you could feel his breath, your heart raced a little.
"I have to show you something." you said backing away.
He looked up at you and you forgot about the dirty dishes and walked him into your bedroom. You picked up the chest with all of Hyukwoo's letters in them.
"I don't want you to read them but they're from Hyukwoo." you said.
He looked at the box.
"From when you two were together?" he asked confused.
"They're recent. They're not love letters. Not really, they're his explanation for why he cheated and, while I still don't think it's a justifiable action, I think deep down I really needed to know why he did it. I'm a little more content now knowing the reason, I don't know I have closure I guess." you said.
He looked at the envelopes but respected the fact that you didn't want him to open them. You felt that it would've been disrespectful to Hyukwoo to let him read them. Despite the damage he did to you, you didn't feel right about exposing your ex boyfriend to your current boyfriend. It didn't feel right.
"I'm not in love with Hyukwoo anymore Kiseok. I haven't been for a while. I've just been holding onto some hurt. When he saw us in the bathroom, I was so embarrassed because I knew how I felt when I heard them sleeping together in his bed and for him to have seen us, even a little bit was so humliating and I felt like I was worse than him. I felt like that was evil of me to try and get him back by playing dirty."
"That wasn't you though."
"I know... Hyukwoo taught me how I shouldn't trust the first guy that shows me attention and looks past my OCD but you taught me that I can adjust." you smiled.
He looked up at you and smiled back. He closed the box and handed it to you. You sat on the bed next to him and he said,
"I'm not sure I understand why you showed me this."
"Hyukwoo mentioned something about medication in one of his letters and I've always said I'm not bad enough in my OCD to really need medication but I hate freaking out in my head when you touch me. I mean it's only for a little but I don't like how reserved I am, I don't even like hugging my mother. I've been wanting to take a bath all day. I clean like a psycho path-"
"You're not a psychopath. You know I don't mind your habits."
"That's the thing... I mind... I'm not totally normal. When I was a kid, doctors told my mother and father that I needed to take some medication when I got really sick once. I was born prematurely but by a month. I think I was probably three when when they told them this. My mom would follow me around the house saying, no honey don't touch that you'll get sick, don't touch that it's dirty you'll get sick, always wash your hands, she even does the fork thing I do at resturants. This happened for years to the point I think my mind began to believe that everything was dirty and germs were all around and that they would inevitably make me sick. I mean my immune system is fine I'm perfectly healthy but I don't know, the fear is still there. Like a constant what if. I don't know where your hands have been and you if touch me and you're carrying a germ that can cause a disease or something it freaks me out. For the longest, I didn't think I needed medication. I acted like everyone else, I just want you to be clean but I guess it's an irrational level of wanting cleanliness and that drives everyone around me insane and it's kind of driving me insane too. The thing is I don't like being this anxious all the time because I was bullied for my OCD, my fear of germs and relationships are hard for me. I don't remember holding your pinky but the feeling I got when you first took my hand felt so familiar I freaked out and then felt calm and it was the strangest thing I've ever endured. I liked it. I was cautious with Hyukwoo and with you I was familiar and comfortable with. I think maybe the young me liked you, enough to recognize how you made me feel even when I didn't remember you... The day before, I met with a therapist and she evalutated me on whether or not I even needed medication." You said.
He looked at you surprised you did that. You looked back at him,
"I have to keep going to see her but she prescribed an SSRI for me it's a medication that helps with OCD. There are possibe side effects but she said she's prescribed a low enough dosage for me to go hand and hand with therapy sessions. It's like breaking a horse, she's going to push me into doing things I don't like until the fear disapates. Almost like what you do, she said that SSRI has been used on people with OCD and it helps; it's going to take a while to show some change but eventually holding your hand won't be so hard or hugging or kissing. Sex outside of the shower."
He smiled and leaned in to peck your lips, he pecked them again gently testing his waters then deepened the kiss more and more and he pulled you back on the bed pushing the box out of your hands.
"I love you." he whispered.
"I love you too." you responded back.
He started to pull up your shirt and play with your breast under it when your mind thought about the kitchen for some reason.
"Shit." you said coming up.
"I forgot I wasn't finished cleaning in the kitchen and it's going to sit there all night I need to get it." you said.
"Hurry." he said.
You quickly got up and he gave your butt a light slap as you left...
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