Well, okay...obviously I didn't actually have sex with Ryan Reynolds (as he's in a committed relationship and, you know, he's a celebrity), but I did dream of it. I have to admit, I rarely dream about sex; the first time I had a "wet dream" was maybe a little over a year ago, and I'm about to be 35, so....yeah....ahem.
Anyway, it got me to thinking today: what am I really looking for in a guy?
Sometimes, I feel like I would like to be wooed. I want to feel like I'm wanted and appreciated. I go out of my way to let my loved ones know that I love them, that I appreciate everything they do for me. Not always, but just once in a while, it would be nice if someone surprised me with some romantic gesture, even if it were a little bag of chocolate when I'm feeling down.
I want to know that he's happy, and when he's not happy, I want to know what's going on, even if the turmoil is only in his thoughts. I find it difficult to develop or maintain confidence in someone when they shut down on me. As an autistic person, it is really hard for me to read people, so verbal communication is very important for me in intimate relationships...I can't just tell what someone is feeling or why. I need someone that is honest and direct and open.
The man I gave my life to for 14 years wasn't any of those things, but it took me that long to figure out that his lies would not end, his jokes were always going to be cruel, and he just didn't feel about me the way I felt about him. So, most of all, I want someone that truly loves me for me and that I love for who and what he is.
I don't know, maybe it's selfish to want any of that or maybe I don't deserve such a person. Maybe I will never find that person. Maybe I have already found that person, and we just haven't exactly connected yet. I know it won't be Ryan Reynolds, but I will continue to hope that such a guy is out there. Even if I have to circle the globe to find him.