I don't know how else to explain it. EXO was introduced to the whole crew after their rehearsal that first day. When it came time to get ready, I immediately went to Junmyeon. I don't know, I just felt a little safer with him and besides, we needed to talk. Even if it had only been a few days since that night. It was our one night stand and he said he would never ask me again. I hoped he would keep his word because the more I looked at Sehun, the more I fell for him and being this close to him was intoxicating. Plus, I felt like there was something going on with Junmyeon that he wasn't letting on. In front of the fans he was hyped but the minute he was off stage, he looked sadder than sad. It felt like he needed a friend but I hoped it wasn't because of me being there. I kinda stayed close to him even if he didn't notice.
For some reason, me and Sehun weren't getting along. When I would go to him to do his hair, he would say the oddest things. I thought it was cute but he seemed annoyed that he kept saying stupid things and pretty soon he just didn't say anything at all. He kinda became cold towards me. But I just let it go, I figured he just didn't want to talk to me. He talked to the makeup artist very well. They even laughed and joked. But the minute I stepped up, he got quiet. But still, he wouldn't let anyone else fix his hair. Although he criticized me about it after I was done. I think he was trying to joke around but it sure didn't sound like it.
Me and Junmyeon would often sit and talk, like we used to and then I started to get to know the guys. They all called me noona. Not noona Jae or Jae noona, or even Jaeyah or Jae-ssi. Just noona. They said it was because I treated them like brothers. But not Sehun, he refused to call me noona, he always called me Jae-ssi. I had once asked him why, he said “Because”, then he got frustrated and walked away. Even Lay told him to relax and call me noona. But he said no, he told Lay he will never call me noona because he doesn't see as a big sister. I found that a little upsetting, because I really wanted to get along with him.
I still assisted Junmyeon when we were exploring around the cities. More than often, a couple of the other boys would come along which I think was way better than just me and him being alone. Actually, I insisted on bringing someone with us. I would invite whoever wasn't doing anything. It's not that I didn't want to be alone with Junmyeon but keeping that wedge between us was better. He was nursing an achy heart but I also think he was confused about his feelings towards me. He told me before that he had a girlfriend in the past, someone that he wanted to go back to but she had moved on and had gotten married. The wedding he spoke about, the one she invited him too, was actually on the first day they started this tour. Looking back to that day, I understand now why he was the way he was. I'm sorry Junmyeon.
I had a dream.
I would dream about Sehun and it was nerve wracking being that close to him physically but not have an actual connection. I still tried. I still tried to joke with him at other times and he would often give me that look, this kind of hard stare like he was trying to comprehend what the hell I'm talking about. So I would just look away or step away. One time me and Chen was telling each other jokes, Sehun came and sat down next to him. He just sat there staring at me. Then he says, “Why do you laugh like that?”. I shook my head, “What do you mean?” I asked. “Like that, you cover your mouth, sometimes your face. Like you're embarrassed to be seen laughing" he says in a most serious tone. Chen slapped him, “Sehun-ah, that's not nice". Sehun whimpered at the pain from being slapped across the head, he pushed his hair back, “I only mean, she shouldn't be.” He got mad and left.
When we were in Beijing, I went to see some old friends I had not seen in a long time, they just moved there. When I was walking along, alone, I had a weird feeling of being watched so I would stop and look around. It was daytime so I wasn't too worried about being mugged. Finally I stopped and turned around quick hoping to catch whoever it was, off guard. There off in the distance, standing with his back turned, trying to act inconspicuous, was Sehun. He was holding his phone up in the air like he was taking pictures. I wondered if he was following me or just happen to be in the same neighborhood, again. So I went on my merry way. Thinking back, he was always around. When I was with Junmyeon or with one of the other boys, he happen to be there. Either with Kai or Chanyeol. Even at work, when I’d go to the restroom or just to walk around the venues, he would be standing in the hallway not too far away. Was he really following me?
Oh my god, Kai. Oh my god…. I swear that boy. When I'd come to fix him up, he would moan and cry saying how he loves it when I play with his hair. I pinched him for it but he just shivered and said he likes that. I told him to cool it or I'm not fixing his hair anymore. He could go out on stage with his hair a mess. He just laughed and said the fans don't care, they love him for his awesome body rolls and sexy moves. “They scream when I do this…” he shook his shoulders and smiled with his head tilted. “Yeah, that's pretty sexy” I told him. But he makes me laugh. There were times he would walk next to me with his arm around my shoulder. And there were times when I would see him get jealous over Kyungsoo hanging around or interacting with one of the other guys. One time, Sehun walked up behind Kyungsoo and wrapped his arms around him, Kai bit his lip glaring. Sehun seemed to know and just smiled at him wickedly.
There was something deeper that went on with these boys. I can see it. I hear the others talking but I try not to pay attention. I hate gossip, I hate rumors that get started by mindless idiots that can't mind their own business. I even heard a rumor about me, that someone was going to initiate me, whatever THAT means. But this thing, I did witness it. I was sitting comfortably in a balcony seat, reading a book. I had seen movement at the corner of my eye. I looked but there was nothing. Then I saw it again. I waited and watched the stage. The curtains moved. There wasn't supposed to be anyone here yet. I had gotten back early from seeing my friends. The security guard said no one had arrived. But yet, what was this that I was seeing. Then I saw Baekhyun fall out of the curtain onto his back. I heard him giggle and then he got pulled back under the curtain. The curtain went back to shifting around. Even from where I sat, I could have sworn I heard him cry out 'Yeollie’.... Uh-huh…. Um, yeah, that wouldn't be the last time I see something like that.
So here we are. The last show.
It was sad really. I had gotten to know them and it made me sad that I wouldn't be seeing them for awhile. My boss called a couple days ago asking me if I wanted to go work in Japan for a couple weeks. A few of the workers that worked at the company's sister branch in Japan, had walked out and they needed some people to go there to help. I told him yes. It was exciting to think that I would get an opportunity to work in Japan. Me and Junmyeon, even though we agreed being friends was better for us, still needed that time apart. He needed time to heal from his previous loss and time to realize that maybe I was just a fix he needed to ease his pain. I loved Junmyeon, I really did but me and him aren't meant to be, we never were. Fate brought us together but not for THAT reason.
I had told a couple of the boys about Japan and they congratulated me. They wished me well and said that I need to come visit them when I got back. That left one thing...
I dreamed of him but it felt like I was never going to have him. I wanted him. I needed him. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I felt that I belonged with him. That I belonged TO him. Ugh, how frustrating.
I walk up behind him, ready to fix his hair like usual. I don't know if he saw it on my face how sad I was but he didn't say anything. This was going to be the last time I touch him. My feelings for him were going to have to be kept a secret. When I was done, I hoped he didn't notice when I leaned over and took in a deep breath of him. I crunched the back of his hair, rubbing a few strands between my fingers feeling the softness of his hair. I step out from behind him and lean against the vanity, waiting to hear his opinion….