Hey. Feel free to use the comment session as a dump as well.
I'm not a fan of self-diagnosis. It causes issues for people with actual issues, and can lead to issues for the self as well, later on.
However, quite recently, I'm realizing I have fucking issues.
I'm reading about Borderline Personality Disorder and The Chameleon Effect, and it just hits hard.
I can connect with each word.
I don't feel like I have an identity.
We have little or no sense of our own identity, so we can't know if that will be acceptable to others. Without acceptance by others, we risk abandonment.
The article I'm reading also talks about something called The Chameleon Effect, and... well, for me, it's like that 'super-hero high' you might get after leaving a movie, except it lasts longer, and I can subconciously do this for real people too. I basically end up mimicking (like a chameleon) certain parts of people, their actions, speech patterns, etc.
Because of this, I feel like I have no personality. I usually have a lot of difficulty expressing any of my feelings-- usually because of a giant wall, a fear of rejection.
This scares me, because I know that somewhere deep within me, I have interests. I have dislikes. I am a person. A unique and possibly wonderful person.
However, I hide it away because I'm scared of rejection. I never really had too many friends when I was a small kid, and I guess that fucked me up, y'know? Never had time to develop my actual personality.
I notice that one key part of my true personality is perhaps kindness. I hope. But this is also one of the things I am most insecure about. I'm never sure if that's the only part people appreciate, if it's real, why I'm being kind, etc.
This is scary. A piece of my true person, and it's the part I'm most scared and insecure about.
I'd like to end this off by saying, everyone has insecurities, and that's okay.
If anyone out there is also scared of being themselves, I hope they take these words of encouragement:
You can do it. Deep down, your true self, you're unique and amazing. You're REAL. Don't be afraid to explore yourself. Don't reject yourself, and remember that self-worth comes from within.
oh, and remember to hopefully get enough sleep ;)
G'night guys! :P