a year ago500+ Views
Who: Reader x Min Yoongi
What: Angst
Story: He doesn't see what's going on with you, how much you need him. He's just caught in his music.

Y/n's POV

You look at Jimin smiling in front of you and he won't take his eyes away from yours. He has that intense stare that he always gets when he's concentrating. You remembered how that stare stirred your body to wanting something more from him but for right now you were content. You were in love with Yoongi, despite this crippling pressure on your heart. Seeing Jimin again, didn't change how you felt. Unfortunately, the last time you two saw each other he was begging you not to leave him. He was promising to fix what ever it was that needed to be changed but it wasn't him. Even back then, when he was the one saying he'd change, when he thought it was all him, you somehow mangaed to believe it was all you. You thought you were the one at fault.

It's always like that though.

The worse part about this depression is that you could be happy for one day and the next three days after it you're completely pretending to be fine. You want someone to ask you if you're okay but for some reason, even when they do, you lie and say you're fine. Like with Namjoon, he clearly knows something's wrong and even Yoongi is aware of it but you continue to lie and say you're fine. You don't want to admit anything is wrong when you talk to them. You don't want to worry them. You're afraid of being more of a burden to them.

With Jimin sitting in front of you right now, you didn't have time to think about your anixtey. You were actually in a state of relief because you're not really thinking at all. Your waiter came by to drop off your plate of food along with Yoongi's. He was still outside taking his call. Part of you started to stir up mixed feelings about him taking the day off for you. You've been wanting to spend time with him but if he couldn't afford to stop at the moment you understood. You weren't going to pressure him into spending time with you. At the same time, you didn't want to keep encouraging him to go back to work, at the risk of seeming ungrateful that he took the day off for you two to be together. It was just a battle between heart and mind at the moment.

Jimin looked down at the food in front of him and pushed the plate to the side so he could rest his arms on the table.

"So you're here with someone?" he asked.

You nodded,

"I'm here with my boyfriend." you said.

"Is he nice?" he asked.

You smiled softly and nodded,

"He's very nice." You answered.

"I want to meet him." he smiled.

You smiled a little bigger seeing his famous eye smile. It didn't matter if you two weren't dating anymore that smile always made you feel some kind of way. You weren't in love with him, not the way you were in love with Yoongi at least, his smile was just so innocent that you couldn't help but adore it.

"Why do you want to meet him?" you asked.

"I want to see what he has that I don't." He said.

You looked at him a little sad and he chuckled lightly.

"You never told me why you ended things between us. Not really... You know I would've done whatever I could for you." he said softly.

You nodded.

"Jimin it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I just didn't want to put anything I was dealing with on you." You answered honestly.

"Then why does he get you?" he asked.

You looked down at your hands in your lap feeling bad. It must've sounded like a poor excuse to him. It probably was and that made you feel worse. It wasn't like you weren't in love with Jimin back then. You just thought you were going to wear him down with everything going on with you. Those were the same thoughts that crept up into your mind in the dead of night, the nights when you woke up at one in the morning and couldn't get yourself back to sleep. You thought about the damage you might be doing in Yoongi's life which was also the reason why you didn't complain much about him working. You were out of his way mostly so he wasn't getting a lot of backlash because of you. You weren't hindering his work ethic you were just kind of exisiting in the house you two shared.

The problem was, you couldn't stand to be alone. After a year apart from Jimin, you wanted a partner again. You didn't even think about what you might do to him but you felt lonely and wanted compaignship. You could've just gotten a dog but it wouldn't have been the same. So you ended up getting into a new relationship to fill the void. Being lonely was just as harmful as being with someone, maybe worse. At least when you were in a relationship, you found periods of happiness where you weren't plauged with your depression. It would come in and out until you reached a point where the depression got too heavy and you ended up leaving them.

You were full of insecurities, you wanted attention but you felt like you were too clingy. You wanted to be beautiful to others but anytime one person had made a comment on how you looked in a negative fashion you felt embarrassed. If you were given enough time alone in your head, you could turn your happy mood into a bad one. You could feel your heart clench, twist and turn at every point when your depression came over you. It was more than feeling blue, it was feeling achored down, it was feeling like you were dragging. It was feeling hopeless and pathetic, like you were in the way or some how annyoing someone with your exisitence.

What this feeling was, was consant shifts in moods that had no trigger, no warning just a switch flipped out of no where to change everything. What this feeling was, was anger and pain and suffocation. When you were with Jimin, thoughts of sucide crossed your mind but you never attempted. You started cutting around that time though. When you got with Yoongi, the beginning was great. You two spent a lot of time together, you were happy, you were having fun and you didn't really think about how bad life was. You had your moments but they were never as frequent as they were now. Anxiety crept up later when you settled in with Yoongi. When you two moved in with each other, you were more exposed. Your flaws were more open to him.

He said he loved you no matter what. You believed times, just like you had believed Jimin. It made you happy to know that they loved you. Then you started to dread when they'd stop loving you. You wondered how long it would take for Jimin to get tired of you. You were scared that Yoongi would lose intrest in you and find someone else. You didn't really know what to do with yourself. You didn't know how to stop your mind from creating scenario's that may never happen. You were just always afriad of the moment when your good mood would be followed up with a bad one. You whole heartedly believed that any time you were happy something bad would happen after it.

It wasn't a healthy way of thinking, most people are aware that life isn't always ice cream and rainbows and they'll deal with the punches life deals as they roll in but you were constantly on alert and because of that you were constantly sad, anxious and sometimes even paranoid. You had no relief from sadness. It took over you and you couldn't stop it. You hated it, you wanted it to stop but you were consumed by your own depression so much so that it had taken a life of it's own even in your art work, when you still did your art work.

You looked up at Jimin and he said,

"What does he see that I didn't Y/n? Why can't you talk to me? I thought you always knew I'd be there for you if you needed someone to talk to."

"Jimin I knew you were there for me but it's not the same." You said.

"Y/n I don't understand. I never understood. Now you're with someone else and what, everything is just fixed?"

"No, none of it is fixed I'm still just-" You stopped talking.

You just felt sad again but worse now like you were hurting Jimin. You just didn't know how to explain how you felt to him. You lowered your head with a tear falling down your cheek. Jimin sighed and reached for your chin. He made you look up at him.

"You can trust me, you know that?" He said.

You nodded.

"The things I was dealing with when I was with you I'm still going through Jimin. Nothing's changed." You said bringing your hands up on the table.

He looked down and grabbed your hand and pushed the sleeve up. His face looked like he was in more pain than before.

"Yeah apparently not." He said.

You pulled your hand away and covered the scars back up.

"Does he know what you're doing?" Jimin said.

He seemed a little upset now. His lips were pressed and his eyebrows were lowered. He looked annoyed with the fact that you were still cutting. It just proved to him that you were telling the truth though, nothing had changed. At this point, you figured he would've perferred things had changed even if that meant it seeming like he wasn't enough to help you. You just nodded silently at his question.

"And what does he do about it? Does he not care? Is he just letting you do this to yourself?"

"No." you whined.

You were crying again and trying to wipe your eyes quickly of the tears. You felt too much pressure to answer his questions especially now that it was in his voice more than his face that he was angry. Angry at you like he used to get when he found the scars. He couldn't understand why you did it. He didn't get the point of it, he saw it as harmful and reckless. If you even slightly confessed that you had thought about suicide in the recent months he'd be more upset and that only caused you to cry more. Jimin sighed seeing that he was upsetting you and looked down for a moment. He took a deep breath as if he were calming himself before he took his next actions.

"So what are you going to do Y/n? Are you going to continue getting in relationships? Getting close to guys and then leaving them when things get too tough? Are you going to keep suffering on your own when we're begging you to just tell us what's going on with you? We want to help, I wanted to help you I still do. I'll do anything to make you happy even now and if he loves you even half as much as I do then you know he'd do the same. Just help us understand."

I'm drowning...

That's all you could think but you couldn't even voice it. That's the closest you could get to explaining this feeling...drowning. You felt like you were locked in a glass cage filled with water and you were seconds away from losing all your air. You were fading, you were dying inside. You looked outside the window to see Yoongi was off the phone and talking to some girls outside. They must've been fans of his and recognized him. He took pictures with them and you couldn't help but to think about a private message someone sent you over instagram telling you that you shouldn't even be with him he's too good for you. You were going to hurt his image.

You tried to stay out of his spotlight as much as you could. You tried to make yourself scare, you barely even took pictures with him and if you did you asked him not to post them. He posted maybe once or twice pictures of you two together and that just issued the negative words in your inbox. You'd be smart to ignore them but you read them, you studied them, you memorized them the way a pastor remembers scripture and you took it just as true to the heart. They see the scars on your wrist, they just don't know what causes them.

You were beaten down by others for looking different more than half your life. It didn't matter if you graduated highest in your class, it didn't matter if you followed the rules, it didn't even matter if you broke them. You were a foreigner, you didn't belong. You embraced the culture, you spoke the language like you belonged but the truth was that you didn't belong. Your half brother was at the very least of Korean blood, he was an idol somewhere in the city but you didn't even try to associate with him. It wasn't like your bond wasn't strong, you just didn't want anyone knowing that you two were related. You felt the result would be the same as you dating Yoongi.

You thought you were looking out for Jimin when you left him. Would he really have been able to get a good career as choreographer with you around? He would've been too worried about you; he would've been too focused on helping you that you would've slowed him down. Maybe you'd do the same for Yoongi. Now he saw the scars, now he'd be worried. Anxiety built up in you and you went silent. Yoongi looked towards the window and saw you looking at him. He excused himself and you stood up to walk to the bathroom.

Jimin called after you but you ignored him for the moment. You sighed trying to get yourself to calm down. You kind of wished you had a face cover so that no one could see you with him. You made sure you calmed down before you walked out otherwise he'd wonder what's going on. A knock came to the girls bathroom door and you heard Yoongi say,

"Y/n are you okay?"

"Um- yeah I'll be out in a second."

"Hurry. I want to talk to you, okay?" he said softly.

"Yeah okay." you called back.

You took in a deep breath and smiled in the mirror, it was good to practice. You could fake it enough to get by the rest of the day. You walked out of the bathroom and walked over to the table. Jimin was still sitting at the table and you looked at Yoongi. He was sitting where you were sitting. Jimin and Yoongi were talking, he looked up at you and you smiled at him and sat down. Jimin looked at you and you smiled,

"You two met." You said.

Jimin gave you this strange look like he couldn't believe you just changed your entire demeanor.

Trust me this is emotionally exhausting. You thought while looking at him.

"Yeah we were talking while you were in there." Yoongi said.

You looked to Yoongi,

"Oh really? About what?" you asked.

Yoongi looked at you intensely for a moment. He cupped your cheek and pecked your lips.

"It's not important." he said.

You nodded and looked at Jimin. He was looking at Yoongi silently before he looked at you. He had that intense stare so you knew something was up but you weren't going to pry. You wanted to push past the subject as fast as you could.

"You should eat." Jimin said.

You looked at him and then down at your plate, you honestly didn't feel like eating though. You didn't even order that big of a meal. Jimin looked at you waiting for you to do something. You looked at Yoongi and he was cutting some meat to eat. He looked at you taking the bite and then smiling at you. You smiled back softly and turned to look at your food. Your stomach growled a little but you still didn't feel like eating. You had lost your appetite. There used to be a time where you hated that.

You'd go to eat something because your body was hungry but when you tried to eat it was like your body rejected it. You wouldn't even be able to get the food in your mouth before you lost your appetite. You had to force yourself most times to just eat. Yoongi leaned over to whisper in your ear,

"Try some of this."

You turned to him and he placed the food on his fork by your lips. That's what was happening again, the smell of his food was making your stomach turn. Despite being hungry, you just didn't want to eat. You forced yourself to open your mouth and take the meat from his fork. You chewed slowly and you noticed Jimin watched you as if making sure you were truly eating. You felt awkward so you tried to pull attention off of yourself.

"Um Yoongi, you know that Jimin is my ex boyfriend right? I just don't want things to be awkward or anything." you said.

"Yeah he told me, he said you ended it on good terms." Yoongi said looking at you.

You gave a slight chuckle and looked at Jimin wondering why he lied. It wasn't like you two ended it in a heated battle but it clearly wasn't great terms for him because he was still confused as to why you ended it. He still cared about you and you still cared for him just not in the same way since you had Yoongi. The break up wasn't that easy for you anyway, you spent days crying in bed feeling lonely and shut down.

"That's good that you know. So Jimin who's this partner with you at your studio?" you asked.

He sat up straight still eyeing you,

"His name is Jeon Jungkook. He's two years younger than me but his dancing skills are amazing." Jimin said.

You nodded,

"That's good. I remember you tried to teach me your routine."

"You were good, better than you thought." he said.

You smiled at that. It made you feel better when you were complimented but then a shadow hovered over that compliment.

Don't think you're special; he's just being nice.

Aren't you being a little arrogant? Seeking out compliments?

You're just constantly looking for someone to give you attention, geeze you're not that important.

You shook the voice away but the pain of those words lingered. They came in the form of your own voice. Perhaps it was that you were feeding yourself lies or maybe you wanted to deny the truth that existed in you. You weren't sure, you didn't know who you were really; you were just mostly lost.

"The only time I see her dance is if she's drunk." Yoongi said.

"Red wine?" Jimin asked.

Yoongi gave a small laugh,

"Yeah." he said.

You blushed softly, they both knew what alcohol did to you but even more what red wine did to you.

"You're not eating." Yoongi said.

You looked at him and apologized. He sighed softly and watched you pick up a fork to eat the little salad you had ordered. You forced yourself to take a bite of it. Maybe it was all the talk going on that made you lose your appetite.

"I have to go to Japan for Namjoon's concert. You should come with." Yoongi said.

"I'll try to get off." you said.

"I'll talk to your department. I really think you should go." He insisted.

You looked at him wondering if that meant he didn't trust you alone. You looked back down at your plate of food and sat your fork down.

"I'm not really hungry." you said.

Yoongi slipped his hand onto yours and held it. You looked at him and forced a smile.

I'm so exhausted.

He reached for your face and brushed your hair with his fingers. Jimin stood up,

"I'll leave you two alone. I didn't mean to interupt your date. I'll talk to you some other time Y/n. Take care of her Yoongi-ssi." Jimin said.

He walked away after waving goodbye and he left the diner. You stood up to sit on his side of the booth. You stared at the table and Yoongi just looked at you. You knew they had said something to each other. You wondered if Jimin told Yoongi he needed to keep an eye on you. You didn't know what was going on in Yoongi's head but you knew he was trying to save you. You wanted him to save you but you knew he couldn't.

"They have really nice spa's in Japan. They have couples massages too; we can get one together." Yoongi suggested.

You nodded,

"Yeah that would be nice." you said.

"Is there any where you wanted to go today?" He asked.

You looked up at him and shook your head. You didn't really have any idea where you wanted to go; you didn't care at this point. You didn't want to seem ungrateful but you were just feeling gloomy and seconds away from dropping in tears. Yoongi smiled and said,

"I know a place you'll love."

You looked up at him curiously. He smiled bigger until he was giving you a gummy smile. You chuckled lightly.

"What are you up to?" you asked.

He flagged down the waiter for the check and paid it without answering you. He asked you to finish your salad at the very least and you tried as best as you could to finish what you had. After he was satisfied with what you finished, he stood up and reached for your hand. He walked out of the diner holding hands with you and walked you to the car. He opened the door for you and let you get inside before he closed it and he drove off, after getting in and securing his seatbelt. You just enjoyed the silent little ride not knowing where he was taking you and waiting to be surprised. You saw familiar buildings swoopping by until you recognized streets that you were on but you still didn't know where he was taking you...

He pulled up at a gigantic aquarium and you smiled. You looked back at him and he chuckled,

"I knew you'd like this place." he said.

He got out and once again came over to your side to help you out of the car and he walked you in. He paid for your entrance fee and you two walked around seeing the different types of fish they had to offer in the aquarium. They had a few different levels to it and you both walked around looking at everything while holding hands. This was probably the most open display of affection you'd shown him in a while, as far as actively looking like his girlfriend went. You noticed a few people taking pictures of you two and you let go of Yoongi's hand but he grabbed it back from your side and said,

"Don't do that. I want to keep you close." He smiled.

He just didn't know what that did to you.

You guys got to the lower level of the aquarium and you walked through the glass tunnel seeing the fish swim beside, above and below you. You looked around feeling like the atmosphere and the blue water was just heightening your previous blue mood. You were looking up and tears started forming, when you realized you were crying you tried to stop the tears.

"What's wrong?" Yoongi asked noticing the tears.

His question only sent you over board and tears came rushing out of your eyes like a broken dam. Yoongi hugged you tightly and rubbed your back. You wrapped your arms around his neck and tried to bury your face in his shoulder. You were trying to calm down your sobs but the more you tried to calm them the harder they came. Yoongi rocked you back and forth making shushing sounds.

"It's okay, I'm here." he whispered.

But for how long?

Sunshine Squad: @Parktaemi @TwistedPDnim

😒😒😒😒 I can totally relate to this chapter πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–....loving the story
Its really hard to say how you really feel sometimes, so I can understand her dilemmas in a way.
This was amazing, and really hit me.
thank you so much