...Always feel like a walking contradiction.
I was thinking about this earlier today, as I was shopping for groceries. When I get ready to run my errands (shopping, paying bills, etc.), I always make a list....a very specific, OCD-driven list. But then, while I'm shopping, I'm intensely impulsive. It takes an enormous amount of focus and energy to restrain myself. Often, I have to redirect my urges into insignificant, yet equally satisfying purchases (like a small chocolate bar instead of a whole cake).
I love a good debate. Debating a topic with someone broadens my understanding of the topic, gives me insight into the opposing viewpoint, and helps me explore why I feel the way I feel about it. However, I really hate arguing. I do everything I can to avoid an argument, and (nowadays) if one arises, I walk away.
When I remember something well, I can recall it with incredible detail, but most of the time my memory is terribly fuzzy. When I was 19, I described to my mother a memory of being carried down the stairs of a church to a playground outside, and described the person carrying me. She was quite surprised...we had not been to the church or seen the man I described since I was one. She took me to the church and introduced me to the man and they were exactly as I remembered, though a bit older. And yet, I cannot remember where I put my keys or phone at any given time. (I'm also terrible at remembering names, but remember ridiculously long strings of numbers with ease.)
When people are whispering or laughing, I often get paranoid that it's about me. Most of the time, though, I don't care what people think of me. It's like...I want people to like me, but if they can't accept me as I am, I don't care if they like me or not, I'm not going to change to appease them. (Ironically, I'm always trying to change myself to become what *I* consider a "better version of myself".)
I make a huge deal about other people's birthdays. I try to help make their birthdays memorable and fun. But I hate my own birthday. I don't tell anyone about it when it's coming up, and I downplay it when the topic comes up. Yet, I secretly desire someone to make the day amazing, to make me forget why I hate it so much by turning it into something wonderful.
I love getting to know interesting people, but I hate socializing. I can talk to someone one on one all day long, but add another person and I clam up.
I have a tendency to be sarcastic, but don't recognize when someone is being sarcastic towards me. I also want to be able to flirt, but a) I don't know how and it feels awkward af when I try, and b) I don't even recognize when someone is trying to flirt with me.
Some of the contradictory feelings are physical, too. I'm extremely sensitive to heat, but I love piping hot showers. My hearing is sensitive enough that I can hear a small bug scrambling around on the floor, but when there's a lot of loud sounds, I cannot discern voices from the clatter. I can smell when electronics are getting overheated, but most of the time, I can't smell anything. When someone touches me unannounced, it's a sharp, jarring sensation, but when I get stabbed, I don't even notice it until someone points it out.
The biggest contradiction I feel is that I don't need or want anyone else, but I crave human contact and affection. How does one resolve such internal conflict? (I ask a lot of questions, but mostly they're rhetorical.)