Who: Reader x Min Yoongi
Story: He doesn't see what's going on with you, how much you need him. He's just caught in his music.
After wailing your eyes out into Yoongi's shoulder, you felt light. The gray cloud hanging over you still lingered but by far you felt much better than you did before (but still equally shitty). You always felt some sort of embarrassment after crying, like you breaking down was a disgrace to yourself and Yoongi, or anyone around you when you broke down. There's was a part of you that didn't like having such a weak side of you so openly displayed but when you needed someone, when you reached your breaking point, you just couldn't help it.
You stayed clutching onto Yoongi, your tears calming but not yet finding their end. He was petting your head to calm you down, he stayed still but shushed you lightly. You could only hug him tighter.
"Come on, let's go for a walk." He said.
You wiped your tears away and he walked you out of the aquarium. He held your hand and you two walked down the side walk calmly while warm wind blew in your face. The smell of water was in the air. It helped calm you down a little more. You two stopped and looked out at the water. You'd probably been walking for about twenty minutes. Yoongi placed his hand on the back of your head. He smoothed your hair down, petting your head while you looked out at the water.
"Tell me what you're thinking." Yoongi said softly.
You held it in for a moment all the while your brain was screaming at you to say something. You needed to release something, talk about it.
"I feel sick." You said softly.
"I feel like there's pressure on my chest and heart....and there's this feeling of hopelessness, like I just don't belong in the world. That pressure somehow sinks to my stomach and I feel sick. Nauseous. I hate it. I just have- nothing." You said.
"I'm right here for you baby." He said.
You turned to look at him,
"I know. I'm sorry I ruined this day out for us-"
"No you didn't ruin anything."
"I just- there's so much that's built up I guess I couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't even mean to cry I just- broke down." You said.
"Doesn't it feel better now that it's out?"
"I don't know. I just feel drained. It does feel like some pressure is off. I guess I got some relief by venting." You said.
"Okay that's good. Next time you need to vent just come to me."
He grabbed your hand and turned you so you were looking at him. He held your other hand in his as well.
"Y/n I understand. I don't know how to fix it but I do understand."
You hugged him instantly. Sometimes in situations like this people just really need to hear that. You definitely needed to hear it, you needed to hear that he understood even if he didn't. It just made you feel a bit more relieved....
After walking back to the car and driving home, Yoongi and you watched a movie before you fell asleep on the couch. The days that followed were spent with Yoongi coming out of his studio to check on you or stopping at your department to see how you were doing. He was trying to create more time for you so that if you needed to talk to him you could. You still didn't want to be a burden to him. Unfortunately, the outburst you had at the aquarium went viral and the negative comments drummed up again creating the pressure that you thought had lightened up. After about a week, you felt that same pressure getting stronger. You woke up today not particularly in a bad mood but at any moment you expected to feel a mood swing strike.
You were in your department working on some designs for new projects. It wasn't just Yoongi's stuff you worked on. Sometimes you helped put together posters and helped with advertising. You helped with a billboard and a bus ad once for Namjoon and Hoseok's collaboration. There was another time you helped Zico, Dean and Crush with their promotions. You were good at graphic design. Editing little videos, designing the posters for light sticks or concert dates, you were tech savvy as far as art programs went. You hated working on Mac but their software was good. You liked after effects and adobe products as well. Still, no matter how much you liked your job, your depression was deep into your bones and at this point you didn't even want to do any work. You felt drained and uninspired despite having woken up in a pretty good mood.
You were smiling and holding conversations like normal, it's like nothing was wrong with you. No one could tell that you had a mental break down just a week ago unless they checked the internet. Some people found it sweet that Yoongi would hold you in public like that and let you cry. They found it cute that he supported you and tried to make you feel better. Jimin tried doing the same things and you adored him just as much as you adored Yoongi for trying to give you comfort. It was never that Jimin did anything wrong just like it wasn't that Yoongi was doing anything wrong, you just could never explain how you felt aside from the pressure on your chest when things got to be too much. When they got rough, you turned to cutting and when you were getting really deep into your depression suicide would cross your mind.
You started working on a little comic book a while back during your last episode of suicide. It was going to be your form of a suicide note. Even your thoughts made you feel like it was a dramatic way of going. Like you were an attention whore and even as you were about to end your life, you had to over dramatize it. In this way, however, you were able to accurately display what was going on in your head. Your ID and your ego. Unfortunately, it was almost like your superego was sound asleep. You were unable to rationally create a reason to back down from certain things. Your conscious was mostly being defeated by your subconscious so much so that it didn't even seem to be present. Instead, your ID attacked your ego. The part of you that was angry for being weak, for being unable to stand up for yourself. The things you did in your past or your lack of action your ID consistently reminded you of. It reminded you of how pathetic you were and that if your ego would just let your ID take over completely half of the things that had happened to you would've never happened at all.
Essentially, the only way you could explain it to yourself or to anyone else for that matter was breaking down the three parts of your personality and giving them character. If they took over then you'd suffer from multiple personality disorder but they didn't take over. Your ID, Angel, she was your dark primal self. She was the half of you, you wished you could be. The side that didn't agree with others, the side that broke the rules and got into trouble. Angel was everything that you wanted to be meanwhile your superego, Heart, kept you at bay. Though she didn't speak, she was existent like a pull. The times you thought of suicide, where your ego lived, Heart pulled you back. She kept you from stepping off the ledge but she couldn't keep you from cutting. She had enough power to keep you alive just not enough to stop you from self harm. Your ego, Y/n, she lived between the two. She was supposed to be balanced between the two but instead she lingered closer to Angel. She spoke with her more. Her voice was booming, she was more attractive, she lured you into her harsh words. You should've run but it was like watching a horror movie, it's so terrible you just can't pull away. Angel was aware of the fact that if you, Y/n, died then she no longer lives and, though Angel doesn't say these terrible things to you to get you to kill yourself, you still end up weak enough to turn that way. She beats you down to make you stronger but you can't seem to be stronger you find yourself in a weaker state.
You are horribly pathetic you know that?
When's the last time you smiled for real or enjoyed the world? Maybe that's the reason everyone says Yoongi doesn't deserve you because you're only going to bring him down.
It's irritating being inside someone so fucking weak. Let me out!
Your Id, ego and super ego were abstract. You made them real in your comics to explain your mental struggle but even if the voice in your head wasn't real- the conversations still happened. Like when a writer creates a scenario, they have this whole world displayed in their brain and an idea of how their character sounds and looks. In that form, it's just being creative not crazy but artist are crazy. They suffer and because of that suffering they create so much beauty.
You used to look at Yoongi with heart eyes back when you first started dating. You remembered hearing he didn't eat alot, sometimes he'd go days without eating just so he could get his music out. He suffered to make those things happen. Here you were going to good schools, getting good grades, being born into a good family and you were suffering.
What right do you have to suffer? You've had better opportunities than others.
Angel's voice was damaging. Everyone's voice was damaging. Because you had good things, you had no right to feel sad? You had no right to be depressed? You weren't doing this for attention. You wanted to be happy, really happy, more than anything but you were struggling. You were suffering.
That's why you should've let me take over years ago.
Perhaps she was right, maybe the ID needed to be in charge. But the ego, the ego wouldn't let go, this was who you were. You needed another way to change it. Another way to break through. Another way to release the pressure and feel happy again.
Your stomach growled and you looked down at it with a groan.
"You sound hungry." A chuckle came from behind you.
You turned around to see Yoongi standing there. You smiled,
"Hey," he dipped down to peck your lips and he looked at what you were working on.
"What's this?" He asked.
You quickly turned the pages over.
"It's n-nothing. It's- stupid. So what are you doing here?" You asked, frantically trying to turn his attention away from your comic.
"I was passing by when I thought I'd come see you. I took a little break do you want to get something to eat?" He asked.
"Good come on." He said.
He placed his hands in his pockets and turned to walk out. He stood outside the door and waited for you to come with him. You gathered your things and headed out. When you got to the door, Namjoon and Hoseok were talking with Yoongi.
"Come on Yoongi." Hoseok said.
"I told you no Hoseok. I'm going to lunch with Y/n." He said.
"How is she?" Hoseok asked.
"She's fine, why?" He asked.
Hoseok looked at Namjoon for a second and then back at Yoongi. Yoongi sighed,
"You told him?" He asked.
"Not on purpose, okay. The day you two went to the aquarium is all over the internet. They're are so many netizens commenting they're making a huge deal about it. I slipped up."
"Look I'd appreciate it if you'd not talk about it okay. I just don't want to risk making her more upset." Yoongi said.
"Are you still bringing her to Japan?" Hoseok asked.
"Yeah, I already cleared it with her boss today. I was going to surprise her at lunch."
"Are you sure exposing her more is going to help her?" Namjoon questioned.
"Look I can't just leave her here okay. I love Y/n and I want her to be okay. Right now I'm not sure if I can go to another country and be sure that if I come back she'll still be here. Jimin said when they dated she just ended the relationship out of no where. I'm hardly around; I haven't even noticed these feelings she's having, what if she does something when I'm gone? Even if it's just leaving me- I have to at least fight hard enough to keep her. She doesn't deserve to be alone." Yoongi said.
"Okay Hyung. We'll leave it alone." He said.
"Thank you." Yoongi said.
You took the opportunity to come out from behind the door while there was a lull.
"I'm ready." You said.
Yoongi turned and smiled at you. He held his hand out for yours and you took it.
"Hi guys, are you joining us for lunch?" You asked trying to seem pleasant and cheery.
Deep down inside, you felt bad because you felt like you had inconvenienced Yoongi. Like you were now a distraction, you didn't want him to know about this for that reason. You also felt annoyed at Namjoon because he had told Hoseok. Yoongi must've known Namjoon already knew about your cutting based off of the conversation they had. That was the reason you didn't want Yoongi knowing. He was going to be concerned. Now he was afraid to leave you in Seoul at the risk that you might do something to yourself.
"No we're going back to our studio's to work." Namjoon said.
"Oh well next time then." You said.
He nodded. You looked to Hoseok,
"Ready to go?" You asked.
"Yup." He said.
Yoongi could remember a time back when he didn't like talking to people much. He remembered starving himself for days or even weeks trying to put his music out on the market. He remembered loving music with such a passion that everything he ever felt was poured into the beats he made and the lyrics he wrote. He took the pain, the desperation and the hope of be coming something more and put it into his music to become as big as he had become now.
He remembered how he asked out Y/n and was surprised that she even said yes considering it was a joke at first. He was even more surprised she still decided to go out with him when he asked her for real. He thought she'd see him as a complete idiot.
He was a bit of a dork but he remembered the look in her eyes when he talked to her about music and his passion for it. At the time it seemed to fuel her, she was sketching his face as he spoke, she looked down every once in a while, drawing on a napkin while he talked about the obstacles he had to overcome as a rapper. When she showed him the picture she drew, he was amazed with her skills.
He could remember all of that but he couldn't remember when she started to change. Jimin told him the same thing happened to them. She was good at making it seem like nothing was wrong. It was only when things got to a certain point that she couldn't hold her fake face. Her mask broke and he could see what was underneath: tear stains and red eyes. He saw the face of a girl that wanted to be saved and he didn't know how to save her. He just knew how to give her comfort for now. He wanted to save her though he wanted to be her safety net, her parachute. The one thing she had that she could trust, when she fell, he'd catch her. He'd help her float; she'd never crash. He'd felt strongly about girls before but Y/n was the first one he felt so strongly about that he wanted to do anything and everything for her. Almost half his album had songs dedicated to her or had references to her. Her voice, her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her kiss even her smell.
He remembered the important things about her, like how she moved her hand when she drew. She never liked showing incomplete work. She always wanted to show the perfect ending, the finished product that everyone could appreciate.
He looked over at her as she walked with him down the street. They didn't need the car, there were enough restaurants around that they could find something to eat. They hadn't slept together in a while. His body was screaming for her but his head told him not to try a thing. He knew something was going on in her head.
He stopped mid walk and made her look him in the eyes. He remembered the important things, like how her eyes sparkled with life. Even as she smiled at him now, he finally saw what he had been missing for a long time.
"I see it now." He said softly.
"What?" She asked.
Her eyes didn't sparkle anymore. There was no shine to them, there was a dull cover over them. Her smile was enough to trick people but her eyes, now that he was paying attention he could see her eyes couldn't hide what was inside her.
"Eyes are the windows to the soul. I can see it now."
"Yoongi. Don't." She said.
"I'm busy Y/n but I'm not incapable of understanding. When you need me, I don't want you to be afraid to talk to me. I need you to come to me."
"And have your fans blame me because you're spending too much time trying to fix a broken girl rather than working on your album, I don't think so."
"Y/n I love my fans but if there are people out there attacking you on the internet because they think you're getting in my way then they're not fans. My real fans can see I love you. You know I love you don't you?"
"Yes." She whispered.
"Then talk to me. I don't care if I've been locked up in the studio for days if you need me you talk to me."
"I don't want to distract you."
"You're not a distraction." He said.
"Aren't I? Can you really afford to be out here getting lunch with me right now? I mean, Yoongi can you really blame me for not wanting to get in your way. You've worked so hard for this I don't want to be your distraction-"
"That was your argument for Jimin too wasn't it? He loved you and you left because you thought you were helping him."
"Look at him now he's got a studio with his friend and he's choreographing for professionals. I've only been with you for like a year and a half Yoongi so after two years Jimin has already bettered himself without me. I love you so much sometimes it's hard for me to consider leaving you but when I think of what I could do to you-"
He cupped her face and brought her closer to him. His forehead was on hers,
"Listen to me Y/n. I'm in love with you. More in love with you than I was when we first met and each day I love you more than before. I want you to stay with me, forever. I want you by my side. You give me strength when I have none. That's why I want you to rely on me. I'll give you strength where you need it. When you need it, just trust me baby. I love you so much, I love you so just- just stay with me okay. I'll help you."
"I love you too Yoongi." She whispered.
He kissed her lightly. He wasn't big on public displays of affection aside from holding hands and small pecks. He liked kissing in private and letting things escalate. He looked her in the eyes and saw they were wet. She smiled and his thumbs brushed her tears away.
"I see you." He whispered.
She kissed him lightly and her stomach growled. She chuckled lightly.
"Alright let's get something to eat." He said.
He pulled her along with him he hoped he could be enough for her. He wanted to be enough to save her.
Y/n, I've got you. Trust me.....
Fire writers fanfiction
House of Exctessy Taglist
House of Exctessy Taglist
@JasminMartinez @LeviLasvegas @170cme @divanicola05 @Lilura @KoreanDramaMaMa @SunnaWalo @Foxxyjinxx @DamarisCisneros @dchapple45 @TingTingShi @TiffanyDixon @miruchii @EvodiaEbraheem @Airess95 @MelissaGarza @AbbyRoscoe @kaylie1597 @KenyaMendoza @QueenPandaBunny @JessicaEvaristo @hopesforsuga711 @KeraDelatorre @sung1rl199674 @hedgesloth @Znae @jademarie4567 @MaggieHolm @RKA916 @royalpandajedi