a year ago500+ Views
....Don't know how to survive in a social scene for very long.

It doesn't help that I have social anxiety, difficulty interpreting verbal and nonverbal cues, and constant feelings of isolation and ineptitude. It's like playing chess against an opponent who starts with all of their pieces, while you only have a few, and you're playing the game at the edge of a high cliff, with the eyes of every human alive resting on you.

Perhaps not the greatest analogy, but the best I can muster at this late, restless hour.

Everyone seems to have this scorecard on everyone they interact with...jotting down plusses or negatives with every interaction. And I'm such a social bumbling fool that I mostly acquire negatives. It feels like no matter how good of a person I try to helpful, how genuine, how loyal...people only notice my faults and floundering. It's equally frustrating and draining. I already only have limiting social battery power...but when I feel like I'm struggling in even necessary work relationships, I'm running on empty and hoping I don't just fall flat on my face (figuratively AND literally). At the end of the day, I'm just as lost and unsure of my place in the world as when I began.
Sometimes, I still feel like that lonely little girl on the playground that none of the other kids want to talk to....or even notice is there.

you are an amazing writer. your honesty is much admired. and most of all, respected. a big hug from me to you and a kiss on the forehead for your courageous and beautiful honesty about how you feel. I dont know u but I know that you do matter. and I'm greatful that u are here in this world and blessed to have read what u share. thank you. I am a mother and i wish u well.
Thank you for your kind words!
This is one of the best elaboration of anxiety I have ever read, Though I don't have anxiety issues, but during hard times and nervous phases I have felt it.