Who: Reader x Min Yoongi What: Angst Story: He doesn't see what's going on with you, how much you need him. He's just caught in his music. Y/n's POV Japan was more than you could've ever expected it to be. Yoongi was with Hoseok and Namjoon and he tried to get you out before hand but they had woken up early for set up on stage. They would be in the concert area for mostly the entire day. You wanted to try some Ramen and sushi. Yoongi asked someone to get sushi for all of them and they came back with a huge buffet of food. As much as you liked watching Yoongi perform, you didn't want to be in the concert area anymore until the performance tonight. You felt like a body taking up space, clearly you weren't needed; you would rather have just explored. So after eating with Yoongi and the others, you tried to excuse yourself. Yoongi wanted you to stay and some part of you felt inclined to stay but you also felt like he was asking you so that he could keep an eye on you. That bothered you a bit. You understood his concern no doubt but you didn't want to be baby sat. You didn't need him treating you with kid gloves you just wanted him to be him. You wanted things to be normal to just go as they always had. Of course if you told him that he'd just say that he'd miss out when you needed him and so he didn't want things to go back to normal. There had to be a better system than this though. Treating you with kid gloves was the worst thing for him to do for you. You just grinned and went along with.
Hoseok had enough energy for Yoongi and Namjoon. Yoongi looked like he wanted to sleep for a hundred years and a day. One of their designers started a conversation with you and you two disappeared into the back dressing room to give them some space. The conversation was nice and you took the time to doodle on the tablet you brought with you. The designer got your attention when she asked, "So what's going on with you and Yoongi?" You looked up at her. "What do you mean?" You asked. She shrugged, "It's just he's seems extra....watchful of you. Did something happen?" You shook your head. Although you knew the reason, it wasn't in you to talk about it. "Did you cheat on him?" She asked. You laughed, "What? No." "Did he cheat on you?" She asked. "No." You shook your head laughing. "Then what's with the hawk eye he's got going on? We wanted you to come with us when we got lunch but he didn't want you to leave him." You sighed and looked at the ground. He was being extra careful with you. You knew he wanted you to lean on him but you found it harder when he was watching you so closely. You thought it was what you wanted but it wasn't the ideal way you thought it would be. You thought he'd be a little more sensitive towards you. He wanted you to talk to him that was sweet but him watching over you was almost passive aggressive. You felt on some level you had become a burden. He was worried about what you might do so he had to watch after you. He couldn't leave you alone for a second, you were distracting him. It was only because of the designer that you were able to escape his watchful eye and you were sure someone, maybe his manager or Namjoon's manager asked for you to be pulled away. That sank your mood entirely. Your drawing was just lines for the most part you didn't know what you were going for but with the change in your mood you started drawing something dark. An owl appeared on your screen when you started using the paint feature. It was covered by a black background. It looked ominous but it was what you were feeling now. How can I be such a burden to him? Probably the same you would've been with Jimin.
Was he right? Am I just going to keep doing this? Getting close to men only to leave them? You could end the cycle Y/n. Your had turned your pen to red a moment ago without realizing it and you moved your hand down the tablet like a slash. Over your beautifully digital painted owl was a red stripe. It didn't ruin it, it just added to the darkness of its theme. You stared at it for a moment. "Y/n?" The designer said. You looked up hearing your name. "Yeah?" You asked with raised eyebrows. "Are you okay? You've got this deep scowl going on." She chuckled. You gave her a smile and laughed light heartedly. "Yeah sorry, sometimes I get really intense when I draw." She laughed, "Can I see what you're drawing?" She asked. You nodded and gave her the tablet. You looked to the other end of the room biting your nail. She stared at it for a while and you felt your mind just dangling in darkness. That's a big decision. You wouldn't burden anyone else. I'm not the one that gave you the idea Y/n that was what you came to. I'm only telling you you'll get what you want if you do it. There was nothing that countered that voice of hers. Angel was smart but she was a dark side. She was the reaction, she didn't calm you down she riled you up. She made everything sound good. Even when it was bad, even when she was screaming and cursing you out. Trouble, burden, attention whore, weakling, pathetic. How many words had she come up with to describe you especially in this state? Your mask was perfect. A smile came to your lips and you laughed and enjoyed the talk with the designer in the back while this was on your mind. The feeling of suffocation came back. You wanted to have fun, you wanted to go to the spa with Yoongi, maybe get a massage with him. You wanted to go to dinner. You wanted the beginning not the end but the end was all you could get. You could feel it at the center of your soul dying out. Yoongi I really love you. You wish you could say that to him. You wish you could tell him the way you wanted to tell Jimin when you loved him. You wished you could tell him everything, that you could put it into words how you felt. You wished there was a way that you could describe it so that he could feel it for a second. You were dying but even that wasn't enough. You were drowning but that still wasn't enough, you were suffocating. It just wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to describe the consistent amount of doom and misery clouding over you almost every second of the day. Perhaps it was because you weren't good with speaking. You wanted to speak but when it was time to talk you were silent. You lost your voice, you lost your nerve. You became the burden to Yoongi that you didn't want to be. Letting him know even a little of how you felt didn't help, it made it worse. You felt like you were in quicksand struggling and sinking faster because of it. You wanted to breathe, you wanted to swim, you wanted to live. But nothing will save you...will it? No. "Why an owl?" The designer asked you. You looked over at her for a second and she asked you again. She handed you back the tablet and you sighed, "Oh, Owls are birds of ill omen." "Really, I thought they were supposed to be wise." "Yeah that's in Greek and Roman mythology I believe. In Native American mythology and some others they paint owls in bad light. Death or enemies using the birds to spy on you." "Hmm. I like the wise one. I like owls they're very cute with their large eyes. Although, with what you said the owl seems to fit the theme of your drawing. There's a guy I went to school with he was very cute; he had large eyes so we called him owl." You smiled at her as she continued to talk about the boy and revealed that she had a big crush on him for a long time. Yoongi ended coming back into the room to find you and he calmed down seeing that you were with someone. He kissed you lightly and you talked to him for a little until his manager called him back. The manager asked the designer to leave so he could talk to you. He sat down in front of you. "Don't." You whispered. He looked at you curiously. "Don't tell me I'm distracting him because I know. I know I am and-- I know what I have to do so don't." You said. "Y/n you've inspired him alot and if he could focus better I wouldn't mind," "I know. I know," you smiled at him. "Yoongi is the most important person to me in this world. I would do anything I need to, to see him succeed. Breaking up with him tonight might ruin the show though." "Y/n." "I'm fine. I am." You smiled. You had the same conversation with yourself when it was Jimin. You're holding him back, let him go. The manager got up and walked out patting your shoulder as he did. You looked at your owl and smiled softly. "Look on my works see ye mighty and despair." You said to the picture. What a concept for a collection if you had the energy to create it. You sat in that back room alone for a long while. So much so when you went back to your tablet to mindlessly doodle you hadn't realized when their concert began. You didn't realize it when Yoongi was on stage with Namjoon and Hoseok. You tuned out the loud music and screaming fans, nothing but you in that room existed. Even when they came back to change their clothes and get new mics, you moved out of the way but continued in your world. Before you knew it, the night was over it was midnight and Yoongi was coming to take you back to the hotel. Yoongi drove back to the hotel with you still engrossed in your tablet. "Mi Na said you did a really nice drawing today of an owl." He said. "Did she?" You said trying to sound warm. You weren't sure if you succeeded. "Yeah, she said you told her that owls are bad omens?" "In some cultures." You corrected him. "Do you believe in bad omens?" He asked. You looked up from your tablet and watched Japan go by from the windshield. It was a good question. You thought about it for a moment. "I believe in symbolism. Omens are like... Luck or voodoo it doesn't work unless you believe it does. An owl could show up on my window or in my dreams and something bad may or may not happen. If I believe in it enough than the first bad thing to happen I would immediately link to the owl but that doesn't necessarily mean that the owl warned me; it just means that there was an owl and something bad happened. The world is cruel bad things happen all the time if we waited for an owl to show up everytime we'd be more lost than we are now. I don't believe in omens or curses or charms but I believe that people believe in them. So the symbolism that follows certain creatures, colors or even dreams I utilize in my art. Even if I don't believe- someone else does." You said. You looked back at your tablet with a sigh. Yoongi was quiet the rest of the time. You didn't say much to him afterwards. Not even once you got into the hotel. He kissed you goodnight and you fell asleep but you kept to yourself. You just pushed him away. ~XxX~ Namjoon and Hoseok came to the hotel room the next morning to get Yoongi. They wanted to go out for breakfast and Yoongi invited you but you told him you didn't feel well. He was going to stay but you told him to go. You wanted some space. He seemed hurt by it but you couldn't figure anything else to get rid of him. You curled up in bed and laid there for a while. You weren't sure how much time had passed before you decided to turn off your phone. You set it on the desk and you felt tears silently over flowing. You opened the draw to the desk. In the middle of the night, you bought over the counter pills while Yoongi was asleep. You opened the bottle and then got a glass of water. Habit you supposed. You sat back down on the bed you looked at the window. Are you sure about this? You wondered where that voice came from. It was more gentle than Angel. It's the only way you'll stop getting involved with men to hurt them. You can't live alone for long and you can't live with him. Didn't you say this was the only other option? "Yeah." You whispered. You poured pills into your hand and drank water, you popped them into your mouth, seven, maybe eight. Or was it twelve. You didn't really count. You took four more to be sure. You quickly wrote your note to Yoongi and laid back in bed. You pulled the blanket over you. At least he can be content that you didn't suffer. Where will you go? Me? I'll just disappear. You nodded and closed your eyes. It was starting to get hard to breathe. You tried to relax yourself in bed, you wanted to just dream.... Yoongi's POV Yoongi wasn't in a good mood at all this morning. Yesterday something changed in Y/n, something that he couldn't entirely describe. She was fine for a while and then she went dark. She smiled like normal she sounded normal but she just wasn't normal. She was creating a lot of distance. She basically pushed him out the door this morning. He could barely eat with Y/n on his mind. Something wasn't settling right. Even with the whole owl conversation, she didn't believe in omens but she believed in symbolism. She believed that others believed in omens which gave certain things symbolism. Like myths and tales, some people chose to believe they were true others didn't but she used the belief and popularity of that belief in her work. So that even if most didn't believe it, they understood it. He wasn't someone to believe in omens either but he just felt there was something important about her owl. She had meant for it to represent a bad omen. He thought back to her sketch book at home and how dark it was. She was cutting her wrists and there was a picture she drew of wrists with wounds. Yoongi felt sicker now than before. He picked up his phone to call Y/n but it went straight to voicemail. Yoongi looked to Hoseok. "Call Y/n see if she picks up." He told him. "Hyung, she just wants some time alone." Namjoon said. "Call her." Yoongi said irritated. "Yoongi-ssi just let her cool off for a bit. She's obviously annoyed you've been hawking all over her. She gets it, you're scared she'll do something but that will make her do something. You're making it seem like she's the burden she didn't want to be." Hoseok said. "Hoseok I can feel it, something is wrong just call her." Yoongi said. He was shaking a little and his hands clenched into fists. Hoseok sighed and called her but it went to voicemail. Namjoon tried too and it went straight to voicemail. Yoongi jumped up and threw money on the table to help pay; he quickly left the restaurant and hailed a cab. Then Hoseok and Namjoon followed, they headed to the hotel and Namjoon tried to get him to calm down but he couldn't. He saw up on the screen an advertisement of an owl with glowing eyes for some cologne campaign which freaked him out more. They got to the hotel and Yoongi rushed to the elevator and pressed their floor. He pulled out his hotel key and came into the room. "Y/n!" He called her as he walked in. She was in bed with a cover over her. "See she's just sleeping." Hoseok said. Yoongi hurried to her. Namjoon hurried over and looked at the note on the desk. Yoongi didn't notice her breathing. He placed his hand by her nose. He listened to hear her breathing. "Hyung wake her up, now." Namjoon said. Namjoon started dialing on his phone. Yoongi looked up at him and saw an open bottle of pills on the desk. "Fuck. Fuck! Damn it Y/n don't do this." He freaked out. He slapped her face to wake her up. He didn't want to shake her in case he caused more damage. Yoongi started crying as he frantically checked for a pulse. Hoseok said he'd run down the stairs to lead the ambulance to the room. She wasn't breathing much anymore. "No no no no! Y/n stay with me jagi. Stay with me, stay with me." "What's going on?" Yoongi's manager had come in. "Can you go down to the lobby and wait with Hoseok for the ambulance?" Namjoon said. "What am I supposed to do Namjoon?" Yoongi yelled. Namjoon shook his head. "I don't know just keep trying to wake her up." "She's not waking up she's dying!" He yelled. His manager had left the room and Yoongi held onto Y/n. He held her until the ambulance came to get her. He rode with them and they took her to the emergency room they pumped her stomach, hooked her up to a breathing machine and saved her life. After hours of waiting for her to come out, all he could do was stand outside her hospital room. Namjoon walked up to him and stood beside him. "She left this for you." He said. Yoongi took the small paper folded with his name at the top. Her hand writing was on it. "Dear Gummy bear, I hope I haven't caused a lot of trouble for you by doing this and if I have I'm truly sorry but it's because I cause so much trouble that this was my only way out. I wish I could tell you how it feels but any time I try the words disappear and it's like I can't speak anymore. Some how this depression took over me so much so that this was the only decision that made any sense. I'm sorry Yoongi. I just know you'd be happier without me, a lot of people will. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that I didn't suffer. I love you, always." He nodded and stuffed the note in his pocket. "I want to scream at her and hug her at the same time. I begged her to talk to me and she just- What the fuck am I supposed to do?" He said. He sat down and leaned against the wall. "She wanted to die Namjoon and I could feel that. I could sense that but- Am I'm so powerless to do nothing. Am I not even capable of saving her from this?" He said. "We can get her some help hyung but you shadowing her like you did yesterday- that doesn't work, that's suffocation." "She's just-it's like she's jumping out of a plane without a second thought, without a parachute. I don't know why it's so bad. What in her life is so bad?" He said. "Even if she refuses Yoongi, encourage her to speak to a professional. This isn't something that's going to go away easily but you can't help her on your own. Neither of us understand what she's going through and even if we did that doesn't mean that there isn't something still wrong. It can be clinical depression, it could just be something she can't help because of chemical imbalance. Look, Yoongi it's not your fault and she wouldn't want you to feel like it was because if you did she'd feel worse. She thinks she's a problem Yoongi, she thought she was getting rid of a problem. Just show her she's not the problem. Tell her you understand, tell her you'll help her and tell her you love her." "Is that even enough?" He asked. "We can only hope so."
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