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우리가 헤어지고 난 후 갑자기 너가 너무 많이 보고 싶더라 너도 그랬는지 모르겠지만 우린 우연히 연락이 닿았지 그리고 우린 다시 예전처럼 웃고 애정을 표하고 너무 좋았던 그 밤의 대화들 우리가 드디어 만나기로 한 날 하필이 너의 차가 고장난 거야 너가 정말 진심으로 내가 너에게로 향하는 긴 여정을 원하지 않았던걸까 그래서 정말 내게 다시 돌아가라고 말했니 나는 너가 너무 너무 보고싶어서 그 정도 장거리 운전은 상관도 않는데 너가 나를 위해서 다시 돌아가라고 했을 때 솔직히 헷갈렸어 아직도 사실 잘 모르겠다 난 널 보지 못해서 너무 슬펐어 너도 나 만큼 그러길 바라지만 솔직히 나만큼 그런지는 잘 모르겠다 그러면서 문득 드는 생각은 나는 누군가를 좋아하기 시작하면 규칙적이었던 나의 모든생활이 없어지고 왜 그 사람에게 집중되는 걸까 언제까지는 이렇게 반복될 수 없는데 오늘도 다짐해 적당히 너를 생각하고 적당히 너를 걱정하고 적당히 너를 좋아할꺼라고 그러면서 나는 희망해 너가 먼저 연락하길 너가 더 많이 애정표현을 해주길 그 마음 변치 않길 말이야 Photo from @wildfiresss' instagram
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4 Modern Gonzo Journalists To Follow
Although it's largely contested, Gonzo Journalism is still alive and well today. The birth of Gonzo came when Hunter S. Thompson attended the Kentucky Derby in 1970 and described the experience of being there, rather than a simple recap of the race itself. Since then, Gonzo or "Immersive" journalism has become one of the most highly duplicated and revered styles of writing. More and more people have taken to writing blogs about their experiences, and even have forayed into video. I subscribe to the Gonzo journalism ethos, and have tried to create my own style of writing as well. I have a long way to go as a writer, but it's nice to know I'm in good company. Here are 5 modern Gonzo journalists you should follow today. 1. Matt Taibbi This Rolling Stone contributor followed in Hunter's footsteps taking on politics and other newsworthy subjects. He's probably the most "traditional" contributor on this list. One of my favorite lines of his describes Goldman Sachs as, "a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money." Twitter: @mtaibbi 2. Vice This isn't really one journalist, but an outlet. As much controversy they conjure up, Vice has become an integral part of millennial media, and has given us a unique look into the realities of different societies and people around the world and at home. They even have their own TV network now. Twitter: @Vice 3. Shane Smith The CEO of Vice Media is an interesting character, who uses his journalistic prowess to engage in a greater dialogue about society and digital media in general. His video contributions to Vice's HBO show have taken him all over the world, even to places like North Korea. Twitter: @ShaneSmith30 4. I'm going to cop out and just link myself. Most of my work on here is immersive, but my favorite stuff is in my "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 2016" collection. I've been trying to work a bit harder on the fundamentals of writing, as like most Gonzo journalists, I value style and wit over a lot of the traditional aspects. When I was in school, a journalism professor turned me on to the work of Hunter S. Thompson, and likened me to him. I guess that's what led me here. Anyway, you can check out my writing here, or by viewing my personal blog here. In addition to my contributions on Vingle, @Patmanmeow is also doing his part to further the traditions of Gonzo. Check out his work as well. I actually was featured on GonzoToday, which is run by a lot of Hunter S. Thompson's friends and colleagues. You can read that piece here. Twitter: @TessStevens
An Open Letter To My Former Self
If you could tell your former self a few things...what would they be? Tess, There you are, walking down 5th Avenue in New York City with less than 300 dollars to your name. You're clutching Pete Doherty's collected writings in one hand and hanging on to your broken backpack strap with the other. On a good day, people may mistake you for a rock star, on a day like today they might think you're a junkie, or someone who may be just tired enough to fall down the subway stairs. This is where you ended up after college. After all the work and sacrifice. You took a one way flight to New York City without knowing where you'd be in a month. And for you, that was just fine. You must remember that in dreamscapes, nearly everything is possible. Even making it without money all alone in New York City. Reality is another thing all together, but it hasn't stopped you yet. You're not going to have an easy time. And in moments of absolute chaos you will find your balance, as strange as that may sound. It's just where you live, shambolic and natural. At times it will appear that your life is being held up by safety pins, just don't get scared when they snap. All you'll have is your job, and the hope that something will happen. You'll always think about being plucked from obscurity, as you believe it will save your on-the-verge-of-being-a-total-catastrophe self. That might be true. Even I don't know what will save you yet. You'll like the same bands. And you'll still think your only friends are rock stars you've never met. Despite all of the people who love and support you, you'll still feel alone. And you won't be able to help it, but just know, on a logical level, that they will always care and love you. And when you get into real trouble, they will come running. Above all else, you'll still have the compulsion to create. Never lose sight of the funny things that make you different. Some days you'll sit in the subway car and spin out of control in your head. You won't even open Doherty's poetry book because just holding on to it gives you comfort. The sleeping thing will never get better, and you'll learn to live with it rather than substituting substances for a better night. You'll start drinking more water and less booze, and you'll try and create a life for yourself. It may be in shambles, but at least you're trying. The ruts you dig for yourself will not last forever. It seems like you're coping with something...a disconnect maybe, but that is natural and above all else is OK. Your body won't make you happy for a while, but part of that is induced by your fear of failure. You don't have to live up to anything physically, and those thoughts are silly and irrelevant. But if you want to change, do it. Do it for yourself though, not for the scene and not for some dude. Don't give up and just stay conscious of what makes you happy. Things will get better once you're out doing things you like to do. Never let go of the music. It is who you are. But balance it with the practical, the fucked up, the destructive and the hopeful. Everything will get stronger with time and one passion, writing, acting, music...will lead to the others. Make sure that you try to live steadily. It doesn't mean you must live like a bore. Steady implies that you're not shaking and groveling. You must remain upright, keep moving forward and never succumb to the snooze button. No amount of words can ever describe the millennial disconnect you feel, and it's alright. Because in the end, all you need to do is make a difference, and to some you already have. I'd also advise you to start being proud of yourself, and stop turning to the destructive forces that you think will help. They almost never do. Thinking and feeling and music and art will always be there, but the words? Sometimes they won't come, and that's okay too. Never let go of the wisdom your mother and father gave to you, and don't stop calling them either. They will serve you in times of great sadness and joy. The latter of which, will not come to you often, but that's not the most important thing. You come from a long line of horrorshows and renegades, people who in times of trouble, move inward and forget, but you...you're different...you could be something great. Although this fact terrifies you on a daily basis, you have nothing to fear, because if you make an effort every day, you'll live up to it.That's what you need to tell yourself. Don't be afraid to challenge your reputation, and what others think of you. They do not and will not matter. All that matters is the moment you're in. And you'll never get that fully, it's just not how you're wired. But if you can put forth an effort to make the best of things, and not retreat into darkness, it'll make the free fall worth it. Trust me. Signed, With a great amount of admiration and disgust, Your Future Self I'd like to tag a few of my Vingle friends to write one too: And anyone else for that matter! @jordanhamilton @danidee @alywoah @allischaaff @esha @hiakym @painttowrite @anna2682 @VinMcCarthy @paulisaverage @lizarnone @TerricaRiley @buddyesd @marshalledgar @skee292 @LauraFisher Feel free to tag someone else if you decide to post your "Open letter". XX
이상형과의 연애
약 4년간의 연애가 3개월 전에 끝이났다.. 2014년에 내가쓴 이상형과 연애가 ㅜㅜ 연애 시간이 점점길어지고 6년이라는 나이차이 때문에 그녀에게 계속 결혼에 대해서 강요했다... 그러다 결국 나는 결혼 생각이 전혀 없으면 의미가 없다는 얘기로 이제 그만하자고 얘기했다... 그때 그녀가 나에게 했던 한마디.. “정말 나랑 헤어지고 싶어???” 나는 답했다... “응... 어쩔수 없잖아.. 이렇게 연애만하고 시간이 흘러 고민을 했을때 그때 아니라고 하면 나는 어떻게 해야하는데...” 이렇게 3년간에 연애는 끝이 났다.. 헤어지고 나서는 너무 허무했다... 그녀가 나를 버린거 같았고... 그녀와 같이 나아갈 미래가 없어지니 열심히 일하는 목표도 사라지고 힘이 빠졌다. 그래서 이별에 마주하고 싶지 않았고 그냥 나의 개인시간이 많아졌다고 생각하고 3개월을 지냈다.. 그렇게 지내다 우연히 전에 내가 쓴 글을 보고 머리를 한대 맞은거 같았다... “기다립니다. 눈이 이쁘고 이야기가 잘통하는 등등 내가 생각한 구체적인 이상형을 적고 그녀가 아직 내게 오지 않았지만 미래에 만날 그녀를 위해 나를 꾸미고 멋진 몸을 만들어서 기다린다고” 아!! 내가 연애를 하면서 나 자신을 가꾸지 않았구나... 때문에 자신감이 없어지고 그녀에 대한 확신이 없어지면서 결혼을 강요했고 그녀의 미래의 꿈을 접으라고 강요하면서나는 이기적으로 그녀를 벼랑끝으로 내몰았구나... 나를 사랑해주고 아껴주었고 믿어준 그녀에게 너무 미안했다.... 그리고 너무너무 고마웠다.. 문자로 이야기를 했지만 우연히 마주치면 직접 다시 이야기 해주고싶다.. 너를 만나서 지난 3년 동안 너무 행복했고 너는 내가 생각한 최고의 이상형인 여자였다고..
Feeling lost, stressed, out of control? Start a Journal.
I've kept a journal for nearly 10 years. It's therapeutic. Completely confidential, and helps you keep track of your life. If you're stressed, having a tough time or trying to keep your head above water, it's time to start a journal. There is nothing like putting pen to paper. Computers are convenient and fast, but seeing your thoughts in your own handwriting can be profound. It makes you think more deliberately and carefully when you're writing with ink. It's more permanent, unlike the backspace button. Things can't be erased in a journal...you should just cross them out. It gives you more of a map to your thought process that way. Here's how to use one to help you out: Okay, so the first thing you need is a journal. This should be thin enough to be able to fill, but have enough paper to last a few months, or so. It's important to not get one of those giant lithographic things that you'll never write in. Something small, something that you like looking at, and something personalized will serve you the most. This journal is about 2 years old, and has writing in it from my Sophomore year of college to now. It's got a lot of miles on it, and a lot has changed since I first got it. I think that's important. Personalization is everything. This is FOR YOU ONLY. You don't have to make it pretty or polished. Personal and vulnerable documents like this should be candid and open. Don't sugar coat your writing, and don't write for an expectation either. Now you have your journal, it's time to write: Whenever you're feeling frustrated or stressed just put the pen to the paper. Things you never thought were inside of you will come pouring out. Trust me. There's just something about the act of writing that gets people in gear. Above is a journal entry from Pete Doherty,. It's a process where the foreign becomes local, and your thoughts truly become your own because you can see them on the page. Start with a simple prompt, like " This is what I did today" or "This is how I feel today" and the rest will come out. No matter what, you can't stop writing. Keep up with it every day and you'll see an increased sense of wholeness. You'll find yourself more at ease. I promise. So now you're writing, and you're keeping up with it...how should you feel? Well first of all, there is no should...with anything. There is only how you use the tool of journaling, and how you feel. Journaling can be cathartic, scary and eye-opening. You will learn things about yourself, and you will definitely gain some perspective. Sometimes the world is dark only for you, and you shouldn't feel ashamed or worried by that. Everyone's process is different. Things like fixing yourself, or making yourself happy aren't always simple, and by creating a safe space for yourself (your journal), you will ultimately bring yourself closer to achieving the ever illusive thing that most refer to as "happiness".
How To Use Writing As Therapy
I woke up this morning with every intention of crawling back into bed and forgetting what consciousness ever felt like. Car lights from outside crawled across my frosted glass window and I thought, how can it still be so dark outside? It was 5:30 A.M. and I didn't have to be up until 7. I cursed my mind for causing the stir, and couldn't fathom going back to sleep, so I sat up in bed, feeling the weight of every obligation that has fallen on my shoulders in the past few months. These days, the words aren't coming as easily, and each thought, every burst of energy is going toward auxiliary functions, like breathing and walking. This is what the first humans must have felt like when they first hit earth: firing on all cylinders in order to do such simple things. Exhaustion is the number one enemy of productivity, and still I press forward, feeling as if nothing I do is ever enough. I can't seem to figure out if I'm in the right place at the right time or not. Some days I feel stellar, and others I feel like I'm being stepped on by God's mighty boot, being jettisoned deeper and deeper into the ground by my own mused melancholy. I guess, being an artist, you can't help but be tortured right? It's been studied, people who "think too much" end up being the most depressed, because their thoughts encompass almost everything. It's hard to move and live day to day when your head is so far in the future that your body has already given out, and you're on your death bed. I feel like I've been living 20 years ahead of myself. I am never able to enjoy the moment. I am never able to give myself any credit. I am already in the ground as far as my brain is concerned. These thoughts, this person I have become is racing against time each moment they are conscious. This is why I love sleep, because the lights turn off and the party is over. I can rest. Getting there, is another story. I tried to sit down and write a song last night, but just the thought of that entire process made me so anxious that I had to walk away from it. That has never happened before. It scared me a bit. Like something was holding me back. I have to figure this out. I used to think writing a song, or writing things down could solve all of my problems, like magically once the words hit the page, I would be a new person. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes me feel worse, but I guess it's all a form of therapy. I'm not sure what the point of this rabble is, or if it will be productive to likes, views or whatever, but for some reason I feel a bit better. Owning up to this emptiness will enable me to move forward right? This is what we have to believe in order to move on. In order to self-improve. It's like a cleansing of the thoughts. Now that they are on the page, they don't have to own my consciousness. Using writing as a means of personal excavation can be exhausting, dangerous and completely insane, but I swear by it. There is some truth to creating a reality in your head that doesn't necessarily match up with what's really going on. I have to admit there is something fearless about all of this. All the eyes and what not. There is a freak show element, though, and where the eyes and people gawk and stare, there can be real truth. I guess it's not self improvement, it's self defense.
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