SugaKookieV
2 months ago500+ Views

WARNING THIS IS A LONG POST.

I thought this would be a good idea. To reach out to those around who might be going through the same things I am after hearing about Jonghyun.

Now, I have had people close to me pass away and haven't felt this way before. Maybe it's because although they were family I didnt know them as well as I could have.

I recieved a message from my brother in law, he commented on my comment to my sister who had posted an article about Jonghyun. She knows me so well.

I had told her that I have been going through an emotional roller coaster all day. From everything that was going on who wouldn't, when you had been apart of something or felt like you were apart of something. Anyways my brother in law said something to the extent of

'Oh come on its not like you personally knew him!'
I got angry. So it's not ok to be upset over someone famous dying?

I vented to my friends because this makes me dislike my brother in law. I finally responded to him after calming down a bit.

But It doesnt matter if we actually met him in person. Jonghyun has touched so many people with his music and his personality.

For me Its almost been 7 years since ive been a Shinee fan so yes as a fan I felt I knew him, more than my family members who had been in my life forever.

Anyways....onto the reason I was making this post.


The 5 steps of grief.



Now this is the first time ive actually felt anything close to grief after someone has died so I wanted to write about it.

For me and probably many, I thought no it was a joke. (The first place I saw something about him was Twitter) I kept thinking it was such a mean prank to pull on all of us. Even after work and the news was not changing I still didnt want it to be true...

Yeah I was angry, I was more angry at my brother in law, his way of thinking to me was stupid, like I thought to myself

'you wouldnt say that if one of the famous people you liked died.'

But then again I'm deeply invested into my kpop land. But not only that after hearing about all the mean comments on twitter I was angry at fans. (I didnt know what fandoms they were from but anyone being disrespectful to someone who just died is rude AF)

This is where I thought i didnt't do this....but I did....it was after I found out it was a suicide. Thats when I was saying things like....

'It wouldn't be as hard to handle if a crazy fan had caused a car accident where he died.'

I just couldn't get over the fact that he did it. (Fans please dont be angry with me, its not that I thought it was ok for a fan to cause an accident it just seemed like a better option when I was going through this.)

Yes, crying on and off all day. Anytime I thought I was fine then I'd see something new about him and start up again. I wanted to hide away but wasn't able to. I did things to keep my mind away from thinking about him, his family, friends, members and all the shawols.

Finally after 2 days I have finally come to terms that he is really gone. And it is better that he left the world feeling the way he was. He was in too much pain and couldn't get out of that. Its like he was on life support for who knows how long and not able to move or do anything and finally the plug was pulled setting him free. (If that makes any sense)

After his suicide note came out I went through anger and depression and bargaining again. I was angry that the doctors told him it was just in his mind ( duh you idiot!! Its called mental illness) then thinking maybe if we had known how he truly felt that as a fandom we could have saved him and crying because well the letter is enough to make anyone cry.


Ok....now that I got the stages of grief out the way here are The 7 emotional stages of grief which are about the same but not at the same time. These seem to go deeper into the stages.

This is right when the news started breaking out... I couldn't believe it... Then came the denial.
Its the same as I mentioned Above
This was when I was thinking that SM could have done better, the doctor could have done better and even shawols could have stopped him. (Im not saying we could have but just thinking that small possibility that we could have tried to help ease the pain he was feeling is what gets me... )
Again I mentioned it before so I wont write it here again.
Now I have taken the steps to be ok. And finally accept that he's gone and hopefully happy now, no pain.

He did good, he worked hard. Its time for him to rest and be happy again.
R.I.P Kim Jonghyun You worked hard. You did well. You will be missed. We love you!

*There are several candle vigils going on today, if you want to be apart of it you can just light a candle in the comfort of your home at the specific time. I know in Chicago there will be a vigil Thursday evening, so if you are in that area and can make it that would be amazing.*

Here is when to light your candles at home today/tomorrow. (Depending on your time zone)
Chinatown is where the Chicago Vigil will be at from 8pm -10pm

*If I made anyone upset I am sorry I did not mean to do that, this was just my processes of moving on after this event.*






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4 comments
💚💚💚 I got into kpop when I was in high school and I always loved the cutesy concepts because it made me happy and it made me feel like the idols were cheering me on lol. Shinee was one of my first groups and the first song I listened to was hello and when I go back to mvs like those it hurts that he looks so happy but this happened. I've been a fan so long and everything feels gone now.
I agree they were one the first few kpop groups i had been into, and it kinda freaks me out that even those close to him were shocked by this...but hes in a better place now.
Thank you for sharing and I'm definitely going through those stages. I'm going to do that vigil tonight
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@SugaKookieV I'm going to light a candle in my home
I feel you, I was surprised when I heard it. My friend tagged me in a post that morning. I feel like I didnt show enough grief and sadness, but I am a fan of SHINee. I just wish we would have noticed his Instagram post before it all happened.
same...but although he isnt here anymore im glad hes gone just so he is in piece.
I found out from my sister and I couldn't believe it. I cried myself to sleep for 3 nights in a row and cried during the day as well, we talked about him and all his accomplishments for days. Surprisingly it affected me more than my sister and I couldn't figure out why because he was my sister's UB, of course I was emotional a lot last year and stressed so that might have been why I took it harder than my sister. The crying did stop after maybe a week and a half of crying off and on. I saw something on Twitter about the candle light vigil in Chicago that made me feel a bit better though. It was a video of two street lamps that started flickering a pearl aqua color and people were saying it was Jonghyun's energy or something. There was also people that took pictures of the moon because it turned a pearl aqua color too. Someone also said the lights in their house flickered and gave off a faint pearl aqua color. I still think about him and wonder how Shinee is doing, they were the group that brought me into kpop, I'm still upset but I know he's in a better place now finally getting the rest he deserves.
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