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์ข…ํ˜„์•„....์ž˜ ํ•˜์…จ์–ด์š”........
I am broken from the inside. The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole. And I could not defeat it. I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response. If I canโ€™t help myself breathe properly itโ€™s better to stop breathing at all. I asked myself who was responsible for me. Only I. I was utterly alone. Itโ€™s easy to talk about the end. Itโ€™s hard to actually end. I lived until now because of that difficulty. I told myself I wanted to run. Yes, I wanted to run. From myself. From you. I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again. I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So Itโ€™s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. Theyโ€™ve never even met me so of course they donโ€™t know I exist. I asked why they live. They just live, just live on. If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted. I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss. Pain is just that, pain. They scolded me not to do this. Why? Why canโ€™t I even end things the way I want to? They told me to find out why I hurt. I know too well. I hurt because of me. Itโ€™s all my fault and all because Iโ€™m lacking. Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear? No. I have done nothing wrong. When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, โ€˜damn being a doctor is easy.โ€™ Itโ€™s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe thatโ€™s not true. Thereโ€™s no one alive thatโ€™s got it worse than me or is weaker than me. But I should live on anyway. I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and itโ€™s not for my own good. Itโ€™s for yours. Please donโ€™t say a word if you donโ€™t understand. Find out why Iโ€™m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason? I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome donโ€™t scar you for life. Clashing with the world was never meant for me. The life of fame was never meant for me. Thatโ€™s all the reason why it hurts. Because Iโ€™m famous. Why did I choose this. Itโ€™s so funny. Itโ€™s a wonder I lasted so long. What can I say. Just tell me Iโ€™ve done well. That this is good enough. That Iโ€™ve worked hard. Even if you canโ€™t smile donโ€™t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye. โ€”ย SHINeeโ€™s Jonghyun