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Here we go again, Fight.
But this time, one thing I'm so sure is what he's given me is not love but PITY.
It won't take long to write this card because I can't feel anything anymore. Thank you bong. You might have seen some of the cards and as I've always mentioned, for if I decide to show you these, it means we've come a long enough way and that should be it.
I need no more pity from anyone. I'm not sure how long I will survive. If I eventually die, don't feel guilty or put the blame on yourself. It's my destiny to be killed by someone I give up anything for. Go back to her, go on cheating, if destiny has it, you'll happily be together. Forget me, forget this bad memory. Have a better love life than mine.
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Little did I know
Little did I know that I was just a replacement. It broke me into particles to know that he had always been waiting for that specific someone all of these times. She had the same name as me but was way prettier than me. Little did I know he was waiting for someone's girlfriend. Up until these days, I'm just mad. Mad at how a girl let a boy wait for her while she already had a boyfriend. Mad at how that boy really waited for her when she was already someone's girlfriend. I've always convinced myself that I am not a replacement, that's also what he told me. I mean only fools believe that I am really not a replacement. I am so upset every time I think about it. Has he moved on from her? Has he truly loved me? We're just recovered from a fight. A big fight. And when we were both feeling extremely down, she chatted to cheer him up. I am his girlfriend but I couldn't even talk to him. Every time I talked, the bigger the fight got. He really seemed better after she cheered him up. "I have missed you", that was what he replied. In such a bad situation between us, he thought about her. :") :( Who Am I to you? It's his summer vacation and he had told me that he wouldn't go home because he wanted to accompany me as I was new to this country, he was afraid I would face difficulties. You didn't know that when you told me so, my world was brightend up. I thought no matter what happened to me, I would always have you by my side. I thought you were so thoughtful about me. Your thought warmed my heart. I love you. But days ago, he started acting strange and told me that he wanted to go home. I am that kind of person who would turn around and cry rather than hold anyone back from their decision. I told him to go. He knew I didn't want him to go and that I would be really sad when he's not around yet he still chose to go. He told me that he really missed his family. As a girlfriend, no one would say no to that reason. Yes please go. :) I decided to rush my trip to see my family in Singapore just to get back to him. And now, right after I come back from SG and still feel sad because I would miss my parents so much, my boyfriend with whom I planned to spend my time, leaves me to see his family. I would be doubled sad and there comes the final exam. :) I hope I can go through it. Then it comes my vacation. I planned to have a nice time with my boyfriend because we would be both on vacation but now, he leaves me here all alone. Really all alone because he already knew I wouldn't want to hang out with anyone without him. He's all I have and now he tells me to learn to live on my own. :) you know what, I still love you so truly.
These days we've been partying a lot since there are too many seniors having different reasons to celebrate different stuffs. Honestly, I'm not really happy to spend more than 500$ now in less than a month. Spending too much on nonsense is now what bothers me the most. Today, all the seniors and juniors had a lunch together. We all went to a coffee shop straight after the lunch. That coffee shop is simply where me and my boyfriend spend our days. We sat face to face by one end of the table. Just like other times, I asked him to come and sit next to me, but he refused. I thought it wasn't big of a deal so I let it pass and started reading. I asked him again and this time he came and sat by my side. Again, just like other times, I leaned on his arm. But this time, he immediately told me to sit up. I had no choice, I had to sit up now. I awkwardly left some gaps between us and continued reading. The group gathering ended so we all separated our ways. My boyfriend and I headed to a study lounge in the school (where we spent our evening when we first started). As we were walking, I could see that something was annoying in his mind. I kept asking and he wouldn't tell. As soon as we sat down, he told me that he didn't feel okay that I stayed close to him in front of everyone...(Now that I remembered days ago when I wanted to take a picture with him, he madly tried to avoid the camera. Maybe he was afraid I would post it, but what was he exactly afraid of? Couples can't post pictures together?)...He kept complaining how he felt about being close in front of people. Who the hell hugged me in front of everyone at first? Who the hell kissed me shamelessly at first? Now who the hell blames me for everything I do for us?...I bursted saying " Talk no more, I understand now ". He faced down on the table for a little while then walked away. I calmly tried to read and there he came back and apologized. I can't seem to be strong enough to not forgive him. Now we're fine together again. I wonder what it'll be like tomorrow and the next. What else will he blame me for? How will we withstand living together?