4 years ago1,000+ Views
She smiled for the first time in which had felt much too long. "Hours? Days? Months? I couldn't remember" she had thought. Sadness was a sickness that trailed her for most of her life. Being raised by a clincally diagnosed bipolar mother is tough, she had to pick up many things on her own at a young age. When she smiled on this day it was from ear to ear, slightly raising a freckle that lived to bottom right of her mouth. Her big brown eyes shined brighter than a million stars. A warmth surrounded her embracing her mind, body, and soul for the moment, a feeling never felt. it was ambition and joy. The day was bright and peacful. Birds flew around playfully dancing with eachother across the sky. The trees swayed in the breeze sweeping the smell of pine and flowers through the air. Winchester park was where Savanah enjoyed spending her time. It was a small quiet park coated in thick pine trees on one side and a river crossing on the other. The sound of the flowing water calmed her down and the shadows of the trees somehow comforted her. She was a different teenager, the "darker" kind. She liked horror movies and punk rock. She liked to skip school and learn what she wanted. Savanah was never the girl to be told what to do and listen. Not that she was rude or bitter, in fact she was a sweet girl. One who would bleed random acts of kindness. She always gave before she took. Savanah had a slim figure and short black hair resembling a raven, her attitude as well. She sat on her favorite old beaten wood bench facing the river where she took in the already familiar scene. She had this routine where while walking home after school she'd pass her and her mother's apartment grabbing her mail and than go to the park a block away to read it and hangout for a while. This time her friend from school Sam, a gawky short boy with brown shaggy hair and hazel colored eyes, had come along with her. They talked for hours about all kinds of things. Their grades, classes, people they like and dislike. They talked about music and love, and family and loss. Which led to Sam asking "So I've never seen your dad an I've been to your house how many times?" Savanah looks away as he finishes asking. Sam notices and continues with "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm here if ya need someone to talk to, always." She surprises him by looking back quickly and spilling what had tortured her mind for a long time. She starts with how she never knew her dad or much about him. She says how her mother moved away because he couldn't provide for them and give her the life she deserves. She says how her mother always would say that he cared about his music more than his family. Her and her mother Amy had moved from Los Angeles California leaving behind her father to a little town named Carlyle in Illinois when Savanah was only three. She doesn't even remember the move. She than told him about how her mother was diagnosed bipolar when she was pregnant and how she had to take medication or would go from pure happiness to extreme depression. Sam staring at the ground lost in thought struggles to mumble "I'm sorry, that must be hard to live with. I don't mean that rudely... I mean I can't imagine..." She stops him by saying " It can be I guess but it's taught me a lot. Thank you." Sam has a nice family with a good life, he can't relate to what she's saying. He's lived in Carlyle his whole life while she comes from the west coast. He felt her pain though. It explained why she always chose to be alone and why she was dark in her ways. It was because she was trying to put together a puzzle missing some pieces. She was trying not to look at what was wrong in her life and only focus on the beautiful things. It was hard. She was so confused, there was so much she didn't know. There was so much she wanted to ask her father. His name, why he hasn't contacted her, and how he thought music or whatever is more important than being in his daughters life. She wanted to punch him, hug him, than punch him again. It was a constant storm inside her head with lightning in her heart. Theres was a strong silence for a couple long minutes. Sam breaks the quiet with "he's really missing out you know" she agrees with a nod. That being said sparked a thought. He was missing out or maybe he wasn't even alive? All that was sure is that Savanah was determined to find out where he was and to meet him and tell him off. That made her smile.
@WyattHaste I think working on the first sentence is important - since it has the first and therefore most significant impact on the reader. Right now it's a little confusing - just rework it. I suggest reading it out loud or having someone else read it out loud, then you can adjust it so it's more natural. Also, I don't think you need the third sentence - since the first two cover that point quite well. I really love the description of Savannah - from "She was a different teenager..." It's a very strong passage, effectively descriptive and subtly humorous. It makes the character dangerous but charming! I also like the line "She wanted to punch him, hug him, then punch him again." I'm pretty sure I've felt that before! Keep writing and sharing, @WyattHaste!
Alright, I'm never sure where to begin with feedback, so I'm just gonna kind of list stuff? I hope you understand what I mean, let me know if not!! @WyattHaste. Here Goes! (1) Spacing: just for others to be able to read and help you out, i suggest adding in some paragraph breaks. It'll make some of the moments more impacting, and help give the story a frame to guide the readers. (2) You have really nice, specific details (that freckle below the mouth) and your exposition fills in nicely before moving into the narrative. (3) One of your comparison really confused me: she dropped his story on his lap like a medicine ball. It feels like a little too /much/ if you know what i mean. (4) I really love the way you tell a characters condition indirectly (she was trying to put together a puzzle with missing pieces). I'd love to see more of that! Overall, really interesting start. I'm ready to find out more with Sam and Savannah lol.
yea that's what my friend said also. and she said I should describe Savanah more too thank you guys I will work on it more this is exactly why I posted it so yall can help me out (: and what I want to do is post a chapter every now and than and get the help than put them all together. but thank you and I'll have more up soon!
I'm gonna have to agree with @hikaymm 's feedback! I'd also say that some of the moves from detail to detail about her past seemed a bit rushed, so expanding the scene happening around it (more about where they are, what they're doing) could slow that down and add to its impact.
I've got a busy day ahead of me, but I'll stoo in tonight to take a look at this :) promise!