2 years ago
WyattHaste
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"The little things."
Savanah returned home to her mother watching T.V. they shared their usual dinner of some sort of meat, vegetable, and potatoes. Savanah enjoyed this time because she could really sit and talk to her mom with no distractions. In those moment's she almost feels normal. Amy says to Savanah "how was your day dear? School go okay?" Savanah replies with "Yes it was alright. Me and Sam went to the park after and hung out for a while." Amy's slightly wrinkled face smiles wide. She had dark brown hair that a was a little past her shoulders. She's a nice woman. She liked that her daughter had a friend that was a boy. The fact that she had a friend. Amy says to Savanah "That's lovely, he seems like a nice boy I'm glad you've made a friend." "Thanks mom I kinda like him. He's different than the other boys, he always go's out of his way for me. He's not perfect but he's good." Amy says "well darling he sounds like he'd be good for you. hopefully he asks you to the thanksgiving dance coming up!" Savanah sighs, she's not usually the type for dances or social events like that but she kind of did want to go with Sam. It would be fun and a way to get a closer relationship with him. She decided she would, if he didn't ask, ask him. They finish their dinner Savanah bringing the dishes and silverware to the sink. Her mother starts to put the leftover stuff from cooking away. Savanah thinking it's a reasonable time asks her mom "so... what about my dad? Where is he? Is he alive?...." Amy responds "whoa... where are all these questions coming from..?". Savanah fills her in on the conversation Sam and her had. Amy looking distraught says to Savanah; "I have letters...from your dad.... some are older... some new... I don't want him in our lives. He's self destructive and depressed." Savanah red and heated with anger screams at her mother. "How could you not give them to me?! I've always wanted a father. I've needed a father. I've wondered my whole life who was the other half who made me." Amy says "I know sugar but it's not that easy. I had to work my whole life to get this apartment and start our lives here. You deserve so much... I'm sorry....". Savanah grabs the letters from her mom and runs upstairs to her room. She opens the first letter dated January 2nd, 2000. She reads the first line, tears start to roll down her checks sparkling like little diamonds in the pale moon light. It reads "Baby girl I know you're four years old now. I want to see you soo bad. I got you the biggest teddy bear I've ever seen for your birthday."...
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awesome I'm slowly working on each chapter as I go. next one will be up shortly! 馃槉
@WyattHaste Great to see you're continuing the story! I'm excited to see more and more. As for feedback about this section, I think it's a great first draft, and it got the plot out of your head (which is often the first thing you need to do!) Now, I think that if you read it out loud a few times, you would find a few areas where the lines sound a little cliche (for instance, the mom being happy the daughter has a friend, or saying Sam is different from other guys. Why not find a way to show it?) I think the plot and characters are great, now let them shine through! Overall great start. Excited to read more!
thanks! ya already helped me lol. I couldn't help but feel the cliche in it but I didn't know how to make it different but you gave me an idea an how to fix it.
@WyattHaste Great! I'm glad that my suggestions, as small as they may be, give you the idea of how to continue to work on your writing. I'm happy to see any future revisions as well!