2 years ago
jai555
in English · 6,745 Views
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I wrote this letter to an ex-boyfriend that impacted my life. I never gave it to him and I felt the need to put it out there.
You made me happy you know. You gave me the best of everything and I appreciated it but you also cheated on me two days before we were officially dating a month. I loved you. I still do. I didn’t think we gave our relationship a fair trial. So I told myself to get over it and we can work and move on from it. We worked towards the better but our arguing started there. we fought about everything. You wanted me to be over it so soon and still talk to her but I couldn't take that. It was wrong of me to give you an ultimatum but I wasn't going to tolerate you being friends with her. I wasn't comfortable with it. You broke promise after promise and kept talking to her. I knew you lied but I chose to ignore. Simply because I loved you. I had suspicions that you cheated more than once. I knew in the back of my mind that you did but I didn’t let myself believe it. You told me once that the only thing left you had to accomplish was bringing a baby girl into this world. We were engaged by then and guess what? I became pregnant. You were excited. We were excited. This baby meant the world to us. It was what you wanted most. My suspicions of you cheating weren't there when I was pregnant. I figured I just gave you what you wanted most so why would you risk it right? Boy was I wrong. On august 18th of 2014 I miscarried. I lost our baby peanut. I called you in a panic and got no answer. I called so many times. I called your house phone, cell phone, even messaged you through Facebook. I did it all. I got nothing. The next morning you gave me a plethora of excuses. Your phone had died and you fell asleep, your house phone was in your roommates room, the list goes on. I was too sad about peanut to pay attention to your excuses. I left later that week to Reno to go to school. Its October now. October 21st to be exact. We broke up about two weeks ago. Two days from being six months. Its been a harsh two months. Our arguments got harsher once I got here. I tried. we lost our baby peanut and that killed us and we both fell into depression. I kept myself strong so I could pull you out of depression but after I did I slipped into it myself. You helped to pull me out of it but I never really got over it. I lost my baby. How could I get over it? On September 30, 2014 you told me you were done. I didn’t realize we had gotten to that point. You gave up while i was still trying. I couldn't change your mind. I said “Okay. I love you.” hung up and walked into class. Later that day you messaged me something and we started arguing again. I beat a trashcan that night. We agreed that night to work on things but to not be engaged anymore and essentially start from the bottom up. We didn’t try all that hard. I still had issues that I argued with you about and you gave up again. I pointed that out and you blew up. We got into argument around 5 in the afternoon on October 8th of 2014. It was small but your mom heard it and you got into an even bigger argument with her. She accused you of things and you went home depressed and out of sorts. I went to dinner because I thought we were going to talk when I got back to my dorm and we would resolve things. You called while I was there and I told you I couldn't talk. You texted me while I was on the cab back to the dorm. Told me you were sorry. This meant one of two things: you were going to kill yourself or you were apologizing about earlier. I asked what you meant and you clarified that you were going to kill yourself. I got out of that cab so fast and started calling almost immediately. You wouldn't explain what was going on and I was trying to convince you out of it. It didn’t make sense. Things were hard but never THAT hard. When I was able to get you to talk more you started accusing me of everything. That I was the cause of your pain, your unhappiness, That I was the reason for you and your mothers falling out, that I was the one who led you to this. I argued that point. How was it my fault? You tried to backtrack and said I was also the reason for your happiness. It wasn't making any sense and you started accusing me again. I couldn't do it anymore. I told you I was done. You said “I am no longer your concern.” and hung up. I messaged your mother, your brother, and the girl you cheated on me with: Tatiana. In the end it was Tatiana who got someone to your place and got you sent to the hospital. You have to understand. This was your sixth time trying this. I couldn't take it anymore. I realized I wasn't your therapist nor your mother. I couldn't help you anymore and you need serious professional help. I didn’t know anything about after that. You called me from the hospital and said how you were sorry but couldn't understand why I had broken It off. I explained as best as I could and I hoped you got help and that you would be get better. You called everyday for three days. On the last day I asked if you could stop calling and doing that to me. You cried and kept saying how sad you were that you had lost the person you loved most. A week later I found out that you cheated not once but multiple times. I was angry. furious. I still am. That night I had a miscarriage and you couldn't answer me? You were with Tatiana. You couldn't answer the call to a hysterical women that was losing your child because you were with someone else. That is what angered me the most. I gave you everything. I bared my soul to you. I gave you what you supposedly wanted most and you risked it for another girl. Im trying to understand but I cant. I hurt everyday because of you. Night falls and I have nothing to do but become depressed because of you. I don’t hate you, Sadly. I still wish you the best in life and hope you can get mentally better but I don’t ever want to see you again. I want you as far away from me as possible. I don’t know what I might be capable of if I were to see you. I am an anger mother. An anger childless mother.
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I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through such a mess but I'm sure you can agree that your daughter was worth it. Some can consider me lucky but I don't. That baby was worth it. Worth every little mess that I would've had to have gone through. Sadly nothing can be done about it now and I have to go through life as a childless mother. But I can, in the end, see your reasoning.
I agree with both of you but ja555 idk but I'd say you're still young you can still have a child but no offense but I may never have one. =((
Never say never. Im sure you can still have children just have the hope. I still have the hope to have a happy healthy child one day.
Ty but unfortunately time & my body isn't necessarily on my side. :( I try and keep hope alive its not an easy thing though when everyone else around you has them and you don't.