4 years ago1,000+ Views
There's so many bullets going back and forth between the fighters that it creates a sort of black translucent mist within the battle field. If you were to walk through this mist you would feel the red hot bites of thousands of lead war heads sinking in to your skin. We take the four wheeler up the dirt road and over the hill out of the way of the bullet mist. Just a few more turns and we make back home. Well whats left of home. It looks like the earth just caved in and swallowed half the house. There's nothing left of use here anymore. We need to turn back and see what we can find in town. Driving back down the dirt road I can see something in the sky. Its slow moving. Its grey and huge in mass. It looks like something that should explode. Something like a long range missile. Its getting closer. We need to get off this road! The fighters bullets managed to stray enough to blow out the tires on our four wheeler. We've got to run. Fast. The missile is just about to reach the pavement of the highway. We're not far away enough to avoid the explosion once the missile lands. Here it comes, just to the left. Strike. It cut its way across the pavement. Tearing up rocks and road signs along the highway, but no explosion. What it is then? If its not a long range missile then what is it? Is it defective? No. More fighters are pouring out of the grey tank. Firing off their guns at anyone in sight. Again, the black translucent mist is headed my way. I can't go to my right. That's where the first field of fighters are. To my left is the grey tank where more fighters are still coming out. I have to go back up the dirt road. I can't stay on the road in plain sight though. A tanker or troop of fighters will be making their way up there soon. I have to run into the forest..
I like the pacing created by the single-line "Strike" and "No." I think from your other creation of tension and description you could probably add a bit more dimension to the segment about the approaching mass in the sky. I think it becomes literal a little too quickly. You can use description to delay the outright revelation of the weapon and build more tension. But the story has me at the edge of my seat! You really have something going here.
@KaitlynnJanae Strong start! I'm already looking forward to Pt. 2. One suggestion, if you don't mind, is to try to be more direct in your descriptions of the mist. When it is first introduced ("a sort of black translucent mist") the description isn't very powerful because of the inclusion of the phrase "sort of." I think if you took this out, the mist would take on an even stronger meaning and place! Otherwise, loved it!
that's good advice @worddoctor!
thank you :) I'll see what I can come up with that might make it stronger!