2 years ago
hotheadji
in English · 30,711 Views
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First love and feelings?
I am about to make a short confession net without even telling people about my real name and personal information. In 2012 when in first year of high school (I graduated this Feb) I was bored from daily school life so I started PenPal. There at PenPal I made a choice that I never should have. Maybe I don't regret it or wish that I have made a different choice, but after three years when I look back and think 'hmm...maybe.. my life could have went better than this'. I absolutely and madly fell in love with a stranger who I have never met. I became madly in love. First love through message really insane and absurd. It came to me like a shock, because I never felt so over anyone in my life. Every boy I already knew they never touched my feelings in anyway. But, to this foreign Finnish I literally went crazy. At last, just like to every girls and boys feelings you have for someone can never ever last forever. So things ended badly. I made last memories to become nightmare to him by begging with crazy things. That only few months later, little more time, and asking him for a one last chance. Actually there.. chances weren't never needed because it was obvious that he will leave me even before we meet. Just school life and education system all those asking me to make it to university in Seoul made all those communications to become weary and bored. Even though it wasn't my fault that he left still I feel sorry for him for few things : • That I held on him too long made myself to look easy and boring. • I was saying things I shouldn't have. • I was asking him for one more chance when he was into different person now. • That I loved him so much. etc... Alas. Now I am stuck in my home country studying a year again, because I didn't get the last call. I knew the day he was leaving my life in 2014 will be hell like. That I will have to study a year again. Even if I make these confessions no one will ever notice about my true intentions over my postings. Sorry for taking so long to bring up the main reason why I started to post these all crazy feelings and stories. I started because "he might read it". Obviously he won't LOL because he is Finnish and won't log into Vingle to read love stories people wrote, but hey still... who knows.. All my postings aren't wrote to diss him, show anger on him or make fun of him, but from now on it will all be written to show people I am making a progress out of this hardship. "First love... what is so big deal about it. Get over it." Well yeah lol I wish I can do that too. So far as it has been taking forever for myself to be healed. I don't think I will ever be able to have feelings for anyone if I cannot heal myself like this way. Just read for me as a kind of...story of a girl in between teenage girl and adult trying to get better and make work out of all these.
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@satish87@LeAnh thank you for all your thoughtful comment :) Little longer I should hold onto. Thank you
@satish87 Is so right...talking about it is the first step! Holding on is ok, but talking about it and being ready to let it be just what it was is important, too.
sweety you need to know that the love that you had was not insane unlike most in there teens you didn't fall for appearance, social status, or what most teens do. You experienced love based on someone bearing there heart and mind to you and even for adults that is rare. I want you to know my first love was both beautiful in the fact that i never thought i could feel that deeply and have such a strong connection to another human being. And at the same time be the most devastating and heart wrenching experience i have experienced, though when i look back to that time almost 20 yrs. ago i can still remember every conversation every smell and look with a smile that we shared i know it was an experience that will never come again. Now i have the opportunity to experience a new and hopefully better and healthier love that can't be shared with others cause of its uniqueness and intimacy. So i say to you to take your special experience and use it to learn and grow for when you come across that next traveling companion on lifes road you'll be able to only able to focus on the here and now. Good luck to youand may your fire burn long and bright.
@brett32 At least you shrugged me out of this sadness for the fact that I had my feelings over someone I never met. Yeah unlike are teens I loved him because it was him more of his personality and who he was. But, hey after waiting and cleaning up the mess left behind maybe I will find someone special again. Thank you for your lovely comment :)
@brett32 Wow, I love that advice....really touching. @hotheadji You can do it :)