I was probably a senior in college - no, I was definitely a senior in college. I was graduating with big plans to move to a new town with a new scene and a new job, and I was crying over a boy I never even dated, or even really knew. He was moving to another country had another possible fling going on and I was going to be thousands of miles away from my would-be soul mate.
My friends, even the friends that don't live in my city, my state, my country, knew about him. I gushed about him all the time. When he acknowledged my presence by following or friending me on social media, I was over the moon.
The thought that I needed to be cool and interesting and exciting-looking online haunted me. I was so caught up in trying to be this girl that he would want that I lost sight of me. I stopped living for living's sake and started living for this stranger. I had big plans to talk to him, to get this romance going, but of course I always had an excuse not to. I was so sure that eventually, somehow, someway, we would be together, and this belief had me literally floating down the halls in a cloud of romantic thoughts (God, looking back on this it is so embarrassing)
But as everything good does eventually, my love came to an end. I found out through a friend of a friend that my coworker/classmate who I thought was one of the raddest girls I've ever met was causally dating the boy I thought for sure with the One. I was devastated. I actually thought he liked me. Why? He never talked to me or gave me any indication that he was interested.
So I’m lying in my bed the night that I found this out and I realize I’m crying. Why am I crying? I don’t know the guy. I don’t know his favorite color or how he blows off steam or what his dog's name is. We were nothing, I was just another girl on campus to him. I had no reason to cry or feel anything but indifference towards him.
So to get over him, I told myself over and over again that I was stupid to be so worked up, and found I was treating the situation like we had been dating and just broken up. In an attempt to move on, I treated him like I would any other guy on campus. I kept telling myself that I didn’t need to chase after him because the guy worth having would chase after me. But I didn’t believe myself. It was really all my fault for not talking to him sooner, but I still just felt like this was an impossibly unfair situation.
I can’t explain the want to have someone you don’t know. It was like I felt a connection, or wanted to feel a connection so bad that I convinced myself there was something there when there wasn’t. I just knew in my heart that we would be perfect for each other.
This experience taught me to not only speak up when you want to meet someone (even if you just see someone in your class and decide you really want to be their friend) but to most importantly love myself before loving others. Don't focus so much of your energy trying to be someone else's dream girl to the point where you are no longer being you. One day the right guy will come along and you won’t need to change a thing.