The Longest Ride, the latest Nicholas Sparks past-future-present-love-through-letters-and-tears-and-feels adaptation came out a few weeks ago and, if we can say one thing about it, it is that Scott Eastwood is a sexy god among men, actually in the running for the sexiest, Sparksian man the world has ever known.
Scott Eastwood, sexy man
If we can say another thing about The Longest Ride, it is this: Man, this movie has a lot of actually-unsexy sexy things. What are actually-unsexy sexy things? Well, they’re that series of clichés the entertainment world has been serving up as ULTRA SEXY OMG ever since the entertainment world existed. They’re those things we’ve just all accepted as perfectly sultry in movies or TV but that are basically never ever sensual IRL. Not only are these things not sexual, they’re often dangerous, uncomfortable, unrealistic, etc.
The Longest Ride contains at least two of our unsexy-sexy faves: horseback riding and sexy shower time. But there are more out there in the world, oh yes, there are more!
Allow us to enumerate.
1. Horseback riding
Nothing says outdoorsy, up-for-anything raw sexiness quite like a ride atop a giant horse, at least according to movies. And we get it, a horse ride can be bouncy and all that fresh air makes one’s cheeks glow. However, in real life, horseback riding is not about bouncing breasts and flowing hair; it’s either awkward and terrifying (novice) or fierce and competitive (equestrian) and nothing about it—the care for the horse’s health, the manure, the pain—suggests “let’s do it right after this.”
Horseback rides are never awkward, just kind of sexy. . .in movies.
2. Car washes
Let’s pose a serious question: the last time you washed a car, did it look like this?
Forgive us for being presumptuous and guessing not, it’s just that, though countless movies and videos would tell us otherwise, this is not how anyone who is not trying to affect a sexy-car-wash pose would actually wash a car. (In all seriousness, if this is how you wash cars and we are ignorant of the secret world of underground sexy car washes, NO JUDGMENT, and actually brava!)
3. Copious lip gloss
Maybe this is just us, but putting on a lot of lip gloss seems to lead to many things and those things are not sex. They’re more like: getting hair stuck in it, tasting it, getting it all over your teeth, forever-marring glassware with and receiving dirty looks from bartenders because of it.
That said, even we gaze at Beyoncé’s lip-gloss game and feel tricked for a minute that putting on a lot of lip gloss might actually be the sexiest thing in the world. Reality though? It’s like having a layer of extra-gooey, tinted fly paper across your mouth and it’s not that fun.