‘Sexy' things that are never actually sexy ~ Part II
4. Changing into something more comfortable
“Oh, you know, I’m just going to slip into something more comfortable that is not my misshapen sweatpants nor my tent-y caftan. Just this little ol’ strappy lingerie thing that cuts off my airflow and sticks in my butt and is so much more comfortable than that outfit of normal clothes I was wearing during our date.”
5. Being in the pool/getting out of the pool
Perhaps you look like this getting into or out of a pool, like someone just came by and freshly combed your pool head and cleansed your pool face and bejeweled your pool neck. If so, you should write a book about how to perform magic, because you are a magical-beautiful fairy in a pool and we need to learn all your secrets.
6. Eating hamburgers*
*but first she slipped into something ‘more comfortable.
Moving past the fact that smoking is basically the worst thing you can do to your body—smoking still SMELLS. It makes you have smelly breath and a dry smelly mouth and it makes your fingers yellow and it lingers for hours and makes even the smoker’s sweat reek an extra little bit. Just not really that sexy.
Oh you know, nothing really says DTF like some good gusts of air blowing your sexiness around. Cue strands of hair getting stuck on your glossy lips.
9. Sexy shower time
Since there are approximately 357,000 love-in-the-shower scenes, this is probably the most sexy-unsexy thing in movies and TV of all time. Real question: How do they make it look so easy? How come no one is ever cold/slipping/losing their balance/getting soap and/or water in their eyes in a way that makes them feel sightless and panicked? How. Do. They. Know. How. To. Have. Sex. In. The. Shower.
Will we ever know?
Special mentions: Eating popsicles, pushing everything off a table in a mad-sexy rush, and ladies hugging teddy bears though this is more a print phenomenon.