Well first, happy birthday. I can't believe that you're 40 years old. It seems like it was just yesterday when you were starring in that made-for-TV movie about Gia Carangi. You know, the one where you had that weird spiky haircut that had you looking like what would happen if Gobo from Fraggle Rock had rabies. You remember, don't you?
From 'Girl: Interrupted' to UN Ambassador, you've come a long way. And, with six kids, a sexy A-List husband, and an incredible amount of humanitarian and screen work behind you, you have so much to be proud of.
I'd imagine right now you're preparing to have the hugest birthday party somewhere in the Hollywood Hills involving Brad Pitt, champagne, caviar, and your borderline creepy brother, James. (Everyone remembers James, right?) And while I would have love to come, I (somehow) didn't get invited, so I decided to make a special birthday card showing you the five things I would have gotten you if I had been. (It's your loss really. I'm a professional at stuff like this.)
1) A Red Velvet Cake Of You In Maleficient
Maybe other people might think it's a little bit disturbing to be eating your face, but I know you. You love creepy things. I mean, you were the young bride who walked down the aisle with a vile of Billy Bob Thorton's blood hanging from your neck. You totally eat creepy up.
2) A Six-Passenger Stroller
I can't imagine traveling around Los Angeles with six children is very easy for you, so fortunately, I found you a stroller where you can fit them all. Now you can take them to the zoo, take them to Universal Studios. You could probably even fit this through the door of a Chipotle. (Do A-List celebrities eat Chipotle? Write me back and let me know.)
3) A Cardboard Cutout Of Your Husband
Considering you and Brad are pretty much two of the most demanding actors in Hollywood, maybe it would be good to have a Brad Pitt body double so you don't get lonely on the job. (Be good to it. You have no idea how difficult it was to pry this out of Tina Fey's strong and demanding hands.)
4) A Tomb Raider Lego Set Featuring Lara Croft
Your three daughters - Zahara, Shiloah, and Vivienne - are really lucky to have you as a feminist role model, so why not up the 'girl power' with a Lego set starring you as Lara Croft? That way, your daughters will be able to learn the most important thing there is to know about being a woman - how to keep your hair looking fresh 2 death while getting into murder.
5) A Domesticated Raven
Did you know that the 'corvidae' - the genus that includes crows, ravens, and magpies - is among the most intelligent birds in the world? Not only are they the ultimate accessory for a grown-up goth like you, but you could probably train it to memorize your lines, be your personal assistant, AND babysit your kids. Plus it could probably be your bodyguard because every Hitchcock fan knows that birds are some scary shit.
So what say you, Angelina? Still feeling good about not inviting me to your party?
Now, now. Don't be so hard on yourself. There's always next year, right?
Anyway, again, happy birthday. I hope you enjoy your gifts.