Sometimes I get a feeling that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. Like in some alternate reality I'm a rock star, or a famous actress, or I have my first book out and I'm touring the globe.
I went to college and all of that changed. I still have those dreams, and will work hard to achieve them, but my course has been altered.
We all have ambitions and goals, but we rarely meet them. And when we're on the high of dreaming we can't see what's actually in front of us...reality.
Reality was like a swear word to me for a long time. I refused to acknowledge that my life was heading in a different direction than planned, and it killed me.
I've always wanted something big for myself, but never knew how to get there.
It's easy to regret things and feel sorry for ourselves. It's easy to run away from what we've done, but the only way to move forward is to face it right?
If we can accept our choices, then we can accept ourselves and ultimately change the game.
We all want to succeed, but some of us just don't want it badly enough. We falter and we fall in with bad crowds. We gain toxic friends.
When we encounter toxic people one of two things happens:
1. We adopt their habits and become toxic ourselves,
2. We run.
Most of the time we want to run, but something holds us back. We think that somehow we can fix the toxic people in our lives. We think that we can change their ways, make them better people. The thought of that fulfills us.
Every human has a need to nurture in some way. No matter how hedonistic or wild we think we are in our youth, we want something to take care of, or something to be responsible for. No matter how small the feeling is, it's there. And when we encounter someone who is on a rocky path we either want to fix it or commiserate.
I've encountered several toxic people in my lifetime. Some of them latch on to try and bring themselves up to your standard, or they bring you down to theirs to make themselves feel better.
Whatever the case, these people who try to call themselves your friends aren't. They are your enemies. When someone starts to hang around and you think they're fun and interesting things are good. They get you to go outside of your box, try new things.
But then something changes. You find yourself doing things you'd never ordinarily, like drinking heavily or doing drugs. You adopt their lifestyle of being lazy and unproductive.
What was once recreational becomes habit, and you find yourself acting less and less like you, and more and more like them.
In order to kick this behavior one must get rid of the person it came from.
Leaving toxic people behind is not always easy. You have an attachment to these people. You call them friends. They appear to be supportive and helpful, but they're like zombies chasing after you. They're trying to suck the energy out of you to better themselves. They're like skeletons, waiting in the darkness. They're predators posing as friends.
But maybe the only friend you can trust is yourself. You have to do what's best for you and your life. You have to see the bigger picture, which is not always the easiest thing either.
Maybe the regret and loss of things you once thought you could do is drawing you to the bad crowd. Maybe the problem is your self worth.
That's what mine was anyway. I clung onto things that I thought made me a more interesting person, but just ended up being the habits of my toxic friends.
I lost myself, my goals, but I found a way back to that after removing the bad influences from my life.
Lose their numbers, delete them from your social media. Move away.
We must surround ourselves with people who enhance us. We have to find people who accept us for our flaws and our misgivings, not add to them. I have a great support system from college that I intend to stay in touch with for the rest of my life, I've got a close-knit group in my home town that I love as well. It took a lot to get there though. It took a lot of wading through the bad and sifting out the good.