It's 2915. You and I are long dead, and so is everyone we've ever known. Kings, presidents, celebrities - those who matter most today - are entirely forgotten, or at best relegated to the footnotes of history. The only entities that carry on, 900 years from today, are corporations. And chief among them is Vingle.
In 2015, you and I know and love Vingle. For some of us, it's our home page and most used app. It wakes us up in the morning and puts us to sleep at night. For others, though, it's not even a thought yet. Vingle has yet to break through to the worldwide renown that will see it through almost a millennia of AI malfunctions, robot attacks, and nuclear fallout to becoming the 2915 powerhouse we know it will be. And here's why: they haven't yet instituted my five step plan.
It's actually incredibly simple. By creating and distributing these five Vingle branded innovations, the company can go from just another app to the mega conglomerate that will outlive us all. Vingle, all you need to do is...
1. Vingle Singles
Feature a new song from an up and coming artist every week. Put it online and call it a Vingle Single. Bam.
2. Vingle Mingles
Allow users to upload their home addresses. Encourage community members to visit each other unannounced with gifts and home baked goods. Call the visits Vingle Mingles. Ka-pow!
3. Vingle Tingles
Every time the app gives the user a notification, have their phone buzz them with a patented vibration pattern, called a Vingle Tingle. SHPLOOOORP.
4. Vingle Shingles
Start a roofing company on the side. The importance of this will become clear during the air raids of 2415. Hiiii-ya!
5. Vingle Jingle
Write a tune so catchy that it not only becomes the number 1 song on iTunes, wins several Grammys, and becomes the theme song to all future TV shows, but also inspires the launch of a new streaming app that exclusively features the Vingle Jingle. Watch as the competitors exhaust their resources hoping to reproduce the Vingle Jingle's success. Emerge from their ashes like a Phoenix, reborn. Then write an new and improved Vingle Jingle with a dub step beat, based on the rhythms of the Vingle Tingle. Hundreds of thousands of users - who now associate that familiar Tingle with the unadulterated pleasure of a Vingle notification - will soon embrace the remix so whole-heartedly that they'll do whatever the singer says. Next, you use them to build an army. The world will fight back, but the camaraderie and teamsmanship built in those Vingle Mingles will make them an unstoppable force. With Vingle Single artists acting as generals - their self esteem and confidence rightfully inflated thanks to their being featured on this site - Vingle will claim an easy victory. Any attempts to destroy us now will be deflected by our Vingle Shingles. We will live forever. Slammo-ding-doodle. You're welcome.