2 years ago
paulisadroid
in English ยท 10,411 Views
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What it Means to be Alone
I have a crippling fear of being alone for the rest of my life.
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The first day I came home from work to an empty room, it felt awful. I had to remind myself that I wanted this. "You were the one that dumped, remember?" I'd say under my breath. I'd laugh in my empty bedroom and hear my own voice cackle back at me off the walls.
"They'd laugh at that, too" I thought to myself.
For the first couple of days, I'd crawl into my bed right after work and cover myself in the blankets. They still smelled the way she smelled after she got up to go to the bathroom, or to work, or out for a smoke. I'd shut my eyes really hard and breathe in deep. I'd take in their smell and live in it again for a second.
I ended up doing this for weeks.
I hid inside of myself. I became a human turtle. Three months after the break-up, I quit my comfortable job to try and pursue my dream -- whatever that was.
I started a WordPress blog that I barely updated, I wrote halves of songs, and I would read old letters I sent to my ex-partner. Even though I was the one that broke up with them, I still felt horrible. I had an ache in my throat that I couldn't get rid of. Sudden loneliness didn't make sad or upset, it turned me into a husk of a human being.
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"Keep your head up kid, I know you can swim. But you gotta move your legs." - We Are Augustines

It took me months and multiple phone calls to/from my friends to learn how to move my legs again. And once I figured it out, I didn't stop. I haven't stopped kicking since.
These days, when I get home to my empty bedroom, I'm happy. I feel my full-self again. When I think about being alone, I feel more free than I have in my life. I hardly spend time laying in bed and lurking on my past actions.
I don't feel as broken as I used to -- I still have some sad days -- but generally, I feel alright. But the one thing I took away from being alone for the first time in a while is that (much like the end of the video at the top of this card) it's okay.
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