danidee
2 years ago5,000+ Views
How To Suck At Dieting: A Step-By-Step Tutorial
So many of us succumb to trendy health foods, extreme gym regimens, and medical advice that 'goes viral' on social media sites, but if all of the tools for a successful diet are out there, why don't we ever see results? Why aren't we ever satisfied?
I've done some casual research on the topic and realized that the problem isn't our diet, but our unrealistic expectations. Before any diet, it's important to set a personal goal. Aim low.
Studies have shown that if you go into your diet with a goal of complete and utter failure, result satisfaction is much more probable. Here's some pro tips on how to make that happen:

Step One: Today's Workout Clothes; Tomorrow's Pajamas

To ensure your diet goes horribly, make sure your yoga pants never see the inside of a yoga studio. Your jogging shoes should never actually meet a treadmill. And your sports bras must stay in hiding until laundry day or that time after your relationship's 'honeymoon period' when you've finally stopped caring about what you wear under your clothes. There's a reason why all the workout clothes out there are so damn comfortable. You don't even know what sleep is until you've done it in a pair of $98 Lululemon pants.

Step Two: Gym? What Gym?

When it comes to choosing for a new gym, it's important to be aware of what kind of facility you'll be paying for. Are there personal trainers readily available to aid you through your workout? How about a pool or sauna? And are those hip-hop zumba classes free for members or is there an additional fee? Find out as much as you can about your gym, pay the introductory fee, and then forget about it. Just forget that you've ever even actually seen the gym. You'll never have to go back there ever again.

Step Three: Cheat Meal? #TreatYourself With Cheat Month.

After a couple days of healthy eating, it's time to reward yourself by eating everything - for a MONTH. Eat it all. Donut, pizza, pasta, milkshakes, hamburgers - eat all the food. The best way to ruin your diet is to literally find anything with any semblance of carbohydrate and just shove it in your face. If someone passive-aggressively asks you how your diet is going, hack off one of their limbs and eat that too. The world's your damn oyster, and it's AMAZING how good things taste with just the right amount of hollandaise.

Step Four: Drink the daily recommended value of Slurpee.

According to a staggering number of celebrity health gurus, drinking 8 - 10 cups of Slurpee is guaranteed to completely obliterate your diet. The average human body is 55% - 60% water weight. That's your number to beat. So it's important to remember that if you have any chance of totally blowing it, all of that water needs to be replaced with Wild Cherry-flavored slush juice. Reach for the 44-ounce. Be Beyonce.
I hope these tips were helpful enough to get you through your diet as quickly as possible.

And always remember: Stay demotivated!

16 Like
2 Share
10 comments
View more comments
Ok @danidee just for you I'll stay alive ^^ and check out that card cause it sounds awesome :)
2 years ago·Reply
@MattK95 I kept going back and forth between laughing at that video and then laughing at your comments.
2 years ago·Reply
@danidee haha those dogs were funny, and adorably cute! ^^
2 years ago·Reply
@danidee I don't even know what a diet is. My sister and mother are constantly on diets and they can't keep up with them, so why should I?
2 years ago·Reply
and btw, this is my life!
2 years ago·Reply
16
10
2