How To Land The Guy You Want: A Guide For The Everygirl
If you clicked this, I know why you're here. You're tired of being ignored or rejected by the man of your affections. You feel invisible. I know this because I was you once. I was shy. I lacked confidence, and it seemed that every time I grew the courage to finally open my mouth and say something, it was too late.
That is until I discovered these five easy tips. Now my week is filled with so many hot dates that I'm even on one right now while writing this card. His name is Jean-Carlo, and he's a Venezuelan male model. It's true.
So follow these tips to conquer the man you desire and win the battle of love once and for all.
Tip: Cover yourself in the smell of meat.
According to a study by Research and Markets, American women spent over $4.2 billion dollars buying perfume last year. That's $4.2 billion spent on what we believe will make us smell attractive on date nights with dudes. Sure, you love your 'signature scent', but that makes only one of you. (He probably thinks you smell like Grandma.)
You know what smell really pulls the guys in? Meat. Steak, pulled pork, sausages. Just meat. Be the girl in the know by applying raw to medium-rare meat directly to your pulse points. Or forgo the butcher shop and check out any of the following fragrances:
Guys love sports. Guys LOVE basketball. And guys ESPECIALLY LOVE New York Knicks power forward Carmelo Anthony. Find out as much as you possibly can about Carmelo and figure out how to translate that into unsurpassed femininity. Have you ever seen that movie 'Single White Female'? Yeah, do that.
Steps To Becoming Carmelo Anthony:
- Get drafted by the Denver Nuggets, the New York Knicks, or at the very least, Syracuse.
- Find a sweatband that will coordinate with every one of your outfits.
- Guest star on 'Nurse Jackie'. (Not just because Carmelo guest starred on 'Nurse Jackie', but because it's just good TV. Edie Falco is queen.)
Tip: Memorize all the key quotes from 'Top Gun'.
The 1986 action-drama 'Top Gun' starring Tom Cruise sits high on the list of things that men love the most. Therefore, nothing says 'girlfriend material' more than a woman who continuously looks for opportunities to quote it as often as possible. Change your ringtone to "You've Lost Your Lovin' Feelin'" and answer his calls with "Talk to me, Goose."
- 'Fight Club' (Give him daily reminders that he's "not his khakis".)
- 'Star Wars IV: A New Hope' (Ask him for favors with: "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.")
- Any and all 'Die Hard' movies (Just blow things up. Blow everything up. Jk that's illegal.)
Tip: Compliment his car. All the time.
Cars are a reflection of the man himself, so anything positive you can say about it will improve his opinion of you. This rule should be applied to crappy cars too. For starters, "The duct tape holding your rear view mirror together really adds to the interior." or "This engine runs great! No one would even know there were squirrels nesting in it last week!" (There's a silver lining to every rain cloud.)
If He Doesn't Drive:
- The Nomad: "I'm feeling the way you walk to the bus. Lighten that carbon footprint, boy."
- The City Slicker: "It really takes an artist's brain to follow subway maps."
- The 19-Year-Old: "Riding the pegs of your 10-speed Huffy takes me back. In a good way, of course."
Tip: Grab onto leg. Like, right now.
If he hasn't caught the hint that you like him by now, you should be more assertive, leaving no doubt in his mind. Yes, it's simply time to use a more direct approach. Wrap your arms around one of his legs and refuse to let go. It will show him that you're committed to not only him, but his overall well-being. (I mean, you're essentially a free ankle weight. It's great resistance training.)
Materials For Proper Adherence:
- Spray adhesive
- Heavy-duty Velcro tape
- Handcuffs or ankle restraints, if required
And there you have them - the five ultimate tips to scoring the man of your dreams. Remember them, apply them to your life, and you'll never go lonely again!**