2 years ago
InVinsybll
in English · 11,066 Views
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How to Rock at Sucking at Writing
Sometimes, your boundless talent as a writer is just overwhelming. Your radiant glow of raw, intangible skill can be intimidating to lesser people, and so it can be difficult for you to operate in a social context without ruffling feathers. Thankfully, there are ways for you to reduce your celestial abilities to a more easily palatable degree. Here's how!

Step 1 - Blame Writer's Block!

The easiest and most accessible way for you to truly begin on your quest to mediocrity is an age-old scapegoat that writers have turned to in order to offset the weight of their shortcomings. That scapegoat is the one-and-only writer's block! \
Writer's block is the laziest excuse for any writer choosing not to write. It's the equivalent of throwing your hands up in the air and saying that it is literally impossible to write anything. The muses have abandoned you as their instrument, the words have flown away with the birds, yada yada yada.
If you want people to feel less threatened by your greatness, lament your writer's block loudly and frequently, especially at social engagements.

Step 2 - Write Exclusively at Starbucks!

This next step will seem a bit daunting to your genius nature, but bear with me and I promise it will be a fruitful endeavor. Take your notebook, legal pad, or macbook into your nearest Starbucks (because as a writer, you are obligated to live within 5 blocks of one) and begin typing away like mad after ordering your grande skinny lo-fat half-caf macchiato.
Hear those scoffs? That murmur of people expressing distaste at your public display of 'tormented artist'? That means you're doing it right.
By setting yourself up in the public watering hole, you are basically screaming "look at me, people, and bask in my creative outpouring! Realize that your fickle aspirations fail in comparison to my greatness!"
For added effect, whenever you are asked about what you're writing, call it "the next great pomo american novel."

Step 3 - All Exposition, All the Time

Okay, you're in the home stretch now, faithful friend. You've already done a lot to establish your incompetence, though some people will still be holding on to the thread that you could just be a misunderstood genius. To completely do away with this folly, there is but one thing left to do.
Abandon all concrete detail in your stories.
Yeah, you read that correctly. The best way to cement the fact that you are completely inept is to never give your readers a sense of what they are seeing in a story. To accomplish this, only ever use expository writing. Tell, don't show. Just have a single character narrate everything that happens in your story, without ever remarking upon any significant imagery.
If you can accomplish all of this, then congratulations! You are now awesome at being a terrible writer.
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@shannonl5 oh god yeah. and also be sure to incorporate a whimsical kinda nerdy awkward girl to pine after
2 years ago·Reply
10
Lol @VinMcCarthy not so whimsical she has a rich internal life and ideas all her own- that would be inconvenient!
2 years ago·Reply
Also it really helps if you use your thesaurus as often as possible to replace your mediocre words with fancier sounding words you don't know, never minding the actual context. That was my high school go-to.
2 years ago·Reply
20
@shannonl5 egads, no! she must be a plot point, an empty canvas onto which the protagonist can paint their insecurities and desires. @danidee and of course. The more superfluous the better!
2 years ago·Reply
20
*cringe* @VinMcCarthy I think you won our game of bad literary tropes chicken.
2 years ago·Reply