We gather here today to send off a long-lost soul. They have dragged you through mud and razor wire, forcing you to do ungodly things in unhealthy ways. Your name, which used to mean so much, has been tarnished and made a joke of.
Oh Sonic, most glorious among hedgehogs, what have they done to you? You were left dead in the water years ago, though they continue to reanimate your battered corpse and force you through the trials of ever-increasingly horrible games.
As it is said, ahses to ashes and dust to dust. Your gaming career is in ashes, having burned in a brilliant blaze. Though they attempt to ignite the dying embers, we know that there is no spark left to ignite the blaze. So instead, we will brush the dust from our copies of Sonic Adventure 2: Battle, and honor you with replays.
Though even these experiences have been retroactively made worse because of the terrible state of your games now. I can't help but know how bad things are now, that they even inform the way I think about the old, better games. It makes me think you were a doomed prospect, the SEGA whipping-boy.
For that, and for so much else, we hve gathered here for a viking's funeral. May you find rest somewhere, maybe in a place where there has never been heard the story of a were-hog, whatever that abomination was.