New York's hottest club is...
If you've watched any SNL in the past five years, you're probably familiar with Bill Hader's hilariously odd character, Stefon (as well as the numerous giggle fits that the actor endured while portraying him).
I'm a huge Stefon fan, so I wanted to do a little 'best of' compilation. Here are my top 5 wacky destinations that City Correspondent Stefon recommends for an enjoyable time in NYC.
Disclaimer: Stefon is not the most politically correct guy in the world. Also, some of his ideas are definitely more geared toward mature audiences. Take him with a grain of (human) salt!
New York’s hottest club is: Ounce
Description: Located in the middle of the East River…
This place has everything: Cholos, cute people, a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Vilanch, an entire room of puppets doing karate.
Puppets doing karate? It’s that thing of when someone calls Miss Piggy “fat,” and she goes, “Hiiiii-ya!”
New York’s hottest club is: Gush
Description: Club owner Gay Dunaway has built a fantasy world that answers the question, “Nooow?”
This place has everything: Geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors.
Look over there – is that Mick Jagger? No! It’s a fat kid on a Slip ‘n Slide. His knees look like biscuits, and he’s ready to party.
New York’s hottest club is: Booooooooof. (With nine Os.)
Description: Located at an abandoned orphanage on the Lower Lower East Side of Chelsea, this round-the-clock puke party is creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozin’ Lucci.
This place has everything: Pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones – and you’ll have your own When Harry Met Sally moment when you share a special kiss with Gizblow, the coked-up gremlin.
New York’s hottest club is: [pursing his lips and taking a picture of himself] Selfieee!
Description: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire, club promoter Joseph Gordon-Fisherman opened a Soho hotspot located in a haunted diaper.
This place has everything: Chutes, ladders, the outdoor concert from a Zoloft commercial. If that’s not enough for you, you can hit the dance floor with a human fanny pack.
Human fanny pack? It’s that thing of when a midget hangs around your waist and holds your passport in his mouth.
And finally... #1
New York’s hottest club is: Scampi
Description: Illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty, this hate-speech haven is a creation of frat boy guru D-Bag Chopra.
This place has everything: Zip drives, gozers, Ke$ha.
Guess who may drop by! Is it Ryan Seacrest? No – it’s a drowned albino who looks like Axl Rose.
Bonus: For the kids, there’s a special workshop where you can build a bear… but not the kind you think.
Extra bonus: A VIP section filled with Furtlenecks.
Furtlenecks? It’s that thing of when like, fat guys have a beard, but only on their chin roll. And they have a pack of roaming draggers.
Roaming draggers? It’s that thing of when an old dog has short legs but a long penis.
Aaaaand there you have it, my 5 personal favorites. I hope they made you cover your face with your hands (because you were giggling so much).
I found the transcripts on EW's full directory of Stefon's favorite clubs, guaranteed to take you back to the Stefon glory days. What are your favorite Stefon moments?