They always say that, when you love somebody, it is only for the best to set them free. They also say that if someone is toxic, you should probably let them go. I know what you're thinking. Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? How about saving yourself the stress of sorting and learn to get rid of virtually everyone in one fell swoop? Follow these tips, and you're guaranteed to discover the ultimate happiness of being alone.
Forget Everything You Ever Learned About Sharing.
Think about it. Do you really even LIKE sharing? Sharing seems harmless, but it's probably the worst thing you could be doing. First off, you're giving up something you love to someone else. Secondly, you establish a bond. Bonding = Friends. Nothing is worse than bonding.
Wipe Your Phone Address Book Once A Week.
Nobody likes feeling unimportant. And nothing will make your friends and family feel less important to you than when you're constantly wiping your phone data and responding to all of their text messages with 'I'm sorry, but who's this? I must have lost your number.'
Fart As Often As Possible, By As Many People As Possible.
Do you know what most people hate more than anything? People who fart. Nobody clears a room faster than someone with a particularly nasty case of bad gas, so make sure you're farting all the time. (Works for business meetings, birthdays, AND bar mitzvahs!)
Step Up Your Insult Game.
Make fun of everyone you meet. If you haven't made someone feel offended by your presence yet, nothing will add better icing to the cake of your abrasive personality than saying something that will make them feel like crap. Extra points for passive aggression.
Get All Up On Their Significant Other.
When your friend first starts dating someone, you usually only have one opportunity to tell them how attractive their new boyfriend/girlfriend is. But if you want to lose your friend, make sure to tell them all the time. "Your boyfriend's really hot. No, your boyfriend's REALLY hot."
So there you have it. Those are the ultimate tips for losing friends and ensuring a blissfully friendless tomorrow. If you can think of any more, let me know!