So, I was feeling like that, you know? Like my life started to become a movie, you know? Like, things can't be unfolding this way because that's too much, that's too insane, it doesn't make sense. I started, uh, you know, looking around for cameras or something 'cause I was waiting for the Host to pop out and tell me I'm on one of those terrible shows where they play pranks on random people. But, then, like, the prank lasted for like 6 months and I grew to accept it. Accept that maybe, uh, it wasn't a prank and that, uh, I should just live, you know?
But anyway, let me start from the beginning. I was like, uh, feeling like I was blending into my surroundings. I, um, you ever get that feeling where you feel like people just ask you to come around because it's become a habit for them and, like, they don't really talk to you at the party, they just make sure you're drinking 'cause for some reason if you're not drinking then that's a problem but if they see you with a solo cup in your hand, they're like, "yeah, totally he drinks, party!" but really, you're falling inside of yourself... You have this, uh, this fucking black hole where your lungs should be and the gravity is too strong for you to stand up straight so you lean against the wall and hold on for dear life and pray that your hands become magnets and the plaster becomes steel just so you don't lose your shape, you ever feel that way?
[laughs] Sorry, I got side-tracked. But, yeah, that's how I felt. You know, like, what the fuck am I even doing here. Who the fuck cares about me or anyone or anything, this party sucks, you guys suck, drinking sucks, I'm out of here, you know?
But then I met a girl. [laughs] That's how all good stories start, right?
She wasn't weird, or strange, or entirely different than me, actually we were a lot alike and, you know, she walked up to me while I was smoking outside the party house and asked for a light. And it was like a real-life meet cute, you know? Here we are talking about how we hate this fucking party and all the goddamn people here and, I guess, I was firing on all cylinders 'cause, like, we were both laughing and smiling and being, um, cute I guess [laughs].
Anyway, like, we made plans to hang out for the next couple of days -- and you know how, like, I was only around for a couple of days -- so, yeah, of course I wanted to see her again. What did we do? I don't know, the normal, indie movie by numbers bullshit. [laughs] Dude, I told you, I felt like it was a movie, I lived my favorite movie for a couple of days, you know?
Which movie? Oh, Garden State [laughs], yeah and I was in Jersey, too. Funny, right? So the next couple of days were like a montage of two gross hipsters walking around town, getting ice cream... you know, ironically, and then making out real hard in her bed... you know, unironically. Like, it was a great couple of days. But then like, this is the crazy part, my last day was exactly like the last scene of that movie, you know?
Except it wasn't at an airport, it was at a train station. And we're sitting there, crying, being sad, the whole nine, you know? And, like, geez, uh, fuck me, but like all I could think about was this movie and how art was imitating life and I was trying so hard to not, you know, fall into that.
You ever have that feeling where like, things are going so good and it sucks that they have to end but they do, they have to fucking end, and that black hole you had in your lungs shape-shifted itself into an exploding sun and the last thing you want is to let that star destroy your life, you know? And that's what it was doing to me. I was walking to the train and I wasn't looking for a seat or watching the train roll into the station, I was staring at her stare at me with tears in her eyes. I was watching everything unfold and, you know, my body was shaking and I mean literally shaking. I tried to put my hand up on the railing but I couldn't all I could think about was that scene.
That scene and that movie and the way I've been living my life, you know? Letting all these weird space metaphors take over my body and not truly living. And it kept playing back over and over again like someone fucked up the projector in my head and my insides kept boiling and getting hotter and hotter reaching critical mass but then I -- or something -- stopped me, I couldn't walk up the fucking stairs anymore, you know?
I turned my head to the left, saw her still sitting in the car, tears in her eyes -- I remember it like it was yesterday -- and she waved a sad little goodbye wave, a defeated wave, the kind of wave you give an ex-partner after seeing them with a new partner who is handsome or beautiful or smart or taller or more fit than you are. Or the kind of wave you give your brother after you both decide you don't want to go home after Grandma's funeral, that you just want to sit in your own house, in your own chair, and think and wonder and wish you could of done something. You know? That kind of wave.
But I couldn't do it. I couldn't let my movie end the way so many other people's movies end. I couldn't walk away and go back to a terrible, sad, lonely, alcohol driven life, no, I couldn't it just wasn't me. So, like that, it's like a switch you flip, you know? I decided to fucking live, man.
I ran back down the stairs and all the heat all the shakiness, they all disappeared and my eyes, my eyes were locked on her eyes as I bumped into people running in the opposite direction, running towards death, towards complacency, towards anything but their actual lives and I finally felt okay, I finally felt like I was doing something worth doing.
And as I ran, I saw the same thing happening to her, you know? Her face showed it all, she was happy and excited and her heat was going down and her hands stopped shaking and she turned back into a the star I met her as. She was beautiful and vibrant, even when she was wiping the tears out of her eyes and I opened the door and I was scared. You know, I've never made a decision like this in my life and she asked me what I was doing but, you know, I'm all about the fucking movies. So I just kissed her.
Yeah. In the car. With the door open. I kissed her. Then I married her.
And you know, the rest is, uh, still a movie worth watching over and over again.