Ugh, so I went speed-dating last weekend, right? And- What? Yeah, I know, I'm lonely and weird, thanks mom- No, I didn't- Will you let me tell you, please!?\
Anyway, it was at this place downtown called Barcade, which was weird enough, cause there's like, all these arcade machines and stuff. The drinks were good though. Anyway, the guys there were all super weird.
So this first guy, he comes and sits down at my table, and his little introduction card thingy says his name is Gordon, and he's like, a scientist or something. Anyway, it got super awkward really quick because I tried to intorduce myself, and he just kind of nodded.
Like, he never said a word to me the whole 15 minutes we sat there. I thought maybe he was just nervous, you know? Like shy? But I don't think that was it. He kept staring at me the whol time. Like, I don't think he ever even blinked. He looked like he'd seen some shit in his life.
And the weirdest part? He was holding a crowbar the whole time, but I didn't even notice until he stood up to leave. Weird.
The next guy was even weirder! I didn't even see him come over to my table. One minute I was drinking my beer and checking my phone, and the next, there was this guy sitting across from me, wearing a weird metal mask.
He had a pretty cool hand tattoo, so to break the ice (after that creepy entrance) I asked him about it. He just sat there, breathing. Yes, mom, I know everyone breathes. But 'cause of his mask, I heard his, and it was kind of weird.
He didn't say a word to me! He just kept on breathing. I'm pretty sure I could hear his heartbeat too, it was all very strange. And then when the time was up, he just vanished. At this point, I thought I had drank too much.
The third guy was actually pretty cute, and he at least looked normal. He kind of reminded me of Orlando Bloom from that movie where he has a bow and arrow, you know? Like, Lord of the Flies or something.
Anyway, he came over, and I was kinda tipsy by now after dealing with two super weird quiet dates, and so I was ready to chat this guy up. When he sat down, though, I got the feeling that he wasn't the chatty type, either. He also didn't say a word to me.
He did seem a little excited about my pottery-making hobby, though.
He was werid, too. When he sat down, he picked up his beer over his head, and it kind of looked like it...floated? Yeah, it was like it just floated over him with a light before he actually started drinking it. I'd thought someone spiked my drink.
The guy after him freaked me out the most. Like, those other guys were quiet, but they seemd like generally okay guys, kinda. They didn't seem crazy quiet, just shy quiet maybe.
But this next guy was the opposite. He sat down across from me and I just counted the minutes until it was time for him to leave. He was a tall guy, but he was wearing a chicken mask, and his letterman jacket was covered in what looked like old bloodstains.
I definitely got a bad vibe from that guy.
By this time, I'd given up basically. I was just going to finsih getting drunk and then get the hell out of there. Then the last guy put the nail in the coffin.
He walked over to me, and I just asked him (pretty drunk now) if was even gonna say his name to me. He just stared at me, and as I was looking at him, I swear he was like 15 years old.
At that point I just threw my hands up, knocked my drink back. and got the hell out of there. As I brushed past the guy, I bumped into him. Something fell off of his belt, and all of a sudden there was a giant orange dragon in the bar.
I swear to god, mom, I'm never going speed-dating again.