This lyric rings in your head. It runs through your ears and down your spine. You feel it vibrate on your fingertips and down to your toes. You are alone. You always have been. Always will be.
You're standing on the corner, waiting for the little luminescent man to awaken and tell you that it's okay to walk across the street. You look to your left, then your right. You are surrounded by people. People on their phones, looking at their phones, smoking cigarettes, hiding their cigarettes, drinking coffee, talking to each other, holding hands, looking at each other, loving each other. You are alone. You always have been. Always will be.
The light appears and you walk. In front of you, there are more people. A crowd of them. Wearing sunglasses, wearing regular glasses, smiling, laughing, frowning, grimacing, limping towards you. You bob and weave out of their way. You are alone. You always have been. Always will be.
You think of a couple of text messages you received a couple of nights ago. They told you that you blew it. You lost your one chance to spend your life with someone other than yourself. You start to believe it. You are alone. You always have been. Always will be.
You light a cigarette as you walk towards your destination. Sometimes it's okay to get outside, you think to yourself. Sometimes it's okay to reflect, you say to no one. You are alone. You always have been. Always will be.
You think about your friends. A couple in particular. You care and love them. You don't like that you care and love them. You know that just opens something up inside of you. Something that blinks bright red as if to say, here this is my weak spot [it's your heart], hit me as hard as you can.
You're afraid of them more than anything. They are too close to me, you think to yourself. I have to push them away, the same way I always do, you say to no one. You are alone. You always have been. Always will be.
"...I walked away from New York city. And I walked away from everything that's good. And I walked away from everything I leaned on..."
The words ring in your ear as you walk towards your destination. You are close. You can be among peers and friends and people that care about you. But that light in your chest starts to blink, the light fades in and out at a speed you don't understand. Your hand is on the door. You decide against it. You decide against it. I have to decide against this, you say to no one. You are alone. You always have been. Always will be.
You walk past the door and into another establishment. It's dark but not too dark. It's just dark enough so if your friends or family or co-workers or slight acquaintances walk by they won't be able to recognize your dark-red shirt. It is the perfect place.
You sit in the corner. In the back. Away from everyone. You are alone, you always have been. You always will be. You order yourself some greasy food and a tall beer. You tell the server to keep them coming [the beer, not the greasy food].
You sit and you think. You think the way you always do. You think about what-ifs and maybes and could-have-beens. You don't know what happened to you [I don't either, honestly] that made you this way. You wish you didn't tense up when you started to sense that people wanted to be around you. You wish you weren't so closed up/closed off. You [drink, a lot] wish that you could change [you really don't]. Another song reverberates into your ears:
"I'm tensing on snowflakes, I'm stumbling over my history. I've never felt like this before. Never. I'm singing for the first time under just one patch of stars. Speaking honestly comes naturally after enough champagne."
You have decided to be honest with yourself after six-too-many and you think these thoughts:
You have become comfortable in the life you live as a person that touches people's lives only to disappear after a couple days.
You have become okay with never being one hundred percent open with anyone.