I hate to break it to you parents but ... your baby is the exact same thing as a drunk college student. Maybe I am just a bit cynical since right now I can't even imagine having children, but having a baby is like always having to be the sober friend taking care of the just dumped, pretending not to give a crap, drunk friend at the bar.
Don't believe me? You will after this card...
1. The way they walk
Every single baby walks like they are about 7 shots deep but still trying to dash to the next bar. Thats pretty much the same way college freshmen spend every night except Monday, because like what drinking word starts with an M?
2. Speaking of walking, they always fall and manage to smack their head on the only sharp corner in the room. Ever seen a girl in heels try and get on the bar, yupp usually ends terribly.
Bars should honestly be baby proofed, or at least bubble wrapped.
3. They always cry in the middle of the night.
Weather you are asleep or not, a baby doesn't give a fuck. They will cry their face off until you calm them down. Same goes with emotional drunks. They will sob on a street corner if they could...or into a half eaten pizza box.
4. Speaking of pizza, both babies and drunk people are the messiest eaters ever. They just can't seem to manage to shove food into their mouths. It always ends up in their hair, on their shirt or just smeared across their face. Its almost disturbing how much food ends up slathered across their bodies.
Honestly, sometimes I think the fire station should charge a few bucks to just power wash drunk people the morning after.
5. They are always sticky.
Unless a baby has just come out of a bath, you could probably stick them into a wall and leave them there. Drunk people usually end up very sticky as well....but at least with babies you know its just leftover jelly from their sandwich. You really try not to imagine what in the world made your drunk friend that sticky.
6. You have to change them
Babies are actually useless. They can't clean themselves after they pee, poop or vomit everywhere. The exact same thing goes for drunks. If you are a good friend you will toss them in the shower and throw them in some clean underwear. But they better buy you a bacon egg and chess in the morning.
Babies you have to clean because no one else will. No bacon egg and cheese until your kid is at least 16 and the same thing happens when they come home drunk.
7. They will kiss anyone you tell them too
Babies are so easy. All you have to do is say "give grandma, grandpa, your sisters new boyfriend a kiss" and they will! The same goes with drunk people. Get enough people to chant "make out or die" and they will.
Because I mean they don't want to die right? #drunklogic