I remember my first psychology class. We had to draw a picture of something that represents us. I had troubles at first, but after a while it became so obvious. When it was my turn, I went in front of the class, and draw a smiley face on the board. When the teacher asked me, why I had chosen a smiley face, I answered: “I always have a smile on my face. I laugh a lot. I am as optimistic as a human being can be. Of course, sometimes I am sad, or mad, or something. But when something bad happens, I am always trying to find a little good in every bad, so we are able to laugh about it. It is true a lot of people do not like me because of that. They think I am stupid, childish, and lots of other, not so positive, adjectives. But I do not care about that. I consider myself a happy person, trying to smile as much as I can. And if you have problems with that, you are a few laughs per day short.” This is how I described myself a year ago. And this description was what made me such a strong person. It made me feel I believe in myself. I was so sure of my thinking, and that nothing can destroy that. But, oh man, how was I wrong.
I guess I am lucky, since people are not asking me to describe myself lately. But that does not mean I am not asking myself. And it is so strange. I found out about so many new adjectives that describe me. Adjectives, I would have never even imagined putting in the same sentence as my name. But just like things, people change. I am going to trust you with some of the changes. I consider myself a selfish person. It is not my intention to make everything about me. But somehow I manage to do exactly that, every time something gets fucked up, even if it has nothing to do with me. I think I became pathetic as well. I do all sorts of crazy things, which I later regret so much. I feel like I do not understand myself anymore. So how can I even expect others to understand me? But I have to admit, there are few people, but literally few people in my life, that I suspect know me better, then I know myself. I can be really mean sometimes. And the worst thing is, I am being mean to those, who still care about me, to those, who are still trying so hard to help me.
Those are the adjectives that turned me into a much weaker person that I used to be. It is not just me, who think so. Others were shocked as well. They all knew me as a really strong person. And I really was a strong person. But I changed. Everyone sees that. So I guess people really change. I am a living proof of that. I hope people, who do not believe in the “people change” statement, will someday believe in it. Because they are all I got. But how can I change back, become what I was, think what I used to think, if the ones I care about the most, the ones who I believe care about me the most as well, do not believe in people changing?