2 years ago
rodiziketan
in English · 6,675 Views
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Weaker then Stronger
I remember my first psychology class. We had to draw a picture of something that represents us. I had troubles at first, but after a while it became so obvious. When it was my turn, I went in front of the class, and draw a smiley face on the board. When the teacher asked me, why I had chosen a smiley face, I answered: “I always have a smile on my face. I laugh a lot. I am as optimistic as a human being can be. Of course, sometimes I am sad, or mad, or something. But when something bad happens, I am always trying to find a little good in every bad, so we are able to laugh about it. It is true a lot of people do not like me because of that. They think I am stupid, childish, and lots of other, not so positive, adjectives. But I do not care about that. I consider myself a happy person, trying to smile as much as I can. And if you have problems with that, you are a few laughs per day short.” This is how I described myself a year ago. And this description was what made me such a strong person. It made me feel I believe in myself. I was so sure of my thinking, and that nothing can destroy that. But, oh man, how was I wrong.

I guess I am lucky, since people are not asking me to describe myself lately. But that does not mean I am not asking myself. And it is so strange. I found out about so many new adjectives that describe me. Adjectives, I would have never even imagined putting in the same sentence as my name. But just like things, people change. I am going to trust you with some of the changes. I consider myself a selfish person. It is not my intention to make everything about me. But somehow I manage to do exactly that, every time something gets fucked up, even if it has nothing to do with me. I think I became pathetic as well. I do all sorts of crazy things, which I later regret so much. I feel like I do not understand myself anymore. So how can I even expect others to understand me? But I have to admit, there are few people, but literally few people in my life, that I suspect know me better, then I know myself. I can be really mean sometimes. And the worst thing is, I am being mean to those, who still care about me, to those, who are still trying so hard to help me.
Those are the adjectives that turned me into a much weaker person that I used to be. It is not just me, who think so. Others were shocked as well. They all knew me as a really strong person. And I really was a strong person. But I changed. Everyone sees that. So I guess people really change. I am a living proof of that. I hope people, who do not believe in the “people change” statement, will someday believe in it. Because they are all I got. But how can I change back, become what I was, think what I used to think, if the ones I care about the most, the ones who I believe care about me the most as well, do not believe in people changing?

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3 comments
This is a very deep piece @rodiziketan and I know it probably wasn't an easy one to write. People do change, you are right--but that means you will also change again, and may not feel the negatives you are feeling now. The fact of the matter is self awareness of what is making you feel bad, and awareness of what used to make you feel good, will help you in the long run. I think you're on the right track, my friend!
this was written 3 years ago, and since 5 months ago, I'm much better. And thank you.