How To Fail Your Driving Test: Advice From An Expert
Besides elementary-level arithmetic and acting like an adult, if there's one thing I am absolutely terrible at, it's driving. I got my license when I was 17, but it came at a serious price. I failed my driving test twice. Twice. And barely, BARELY passed my third.
Needless to say, I'm the last to volunteer when my friends and I are figuring out who's going to be the one who drives. Even I'm afraid to ride in a car that I'm driving, and I don't even usually get a choice.
Want to guarantee YOUR driving test will be a complete and utter failure? Follow the tips. They'll work. 100% guaranteed!
Bring Helmets To The Exam For Both You And Your Instructor.
Remind them that safety is first. And that there's "no telling what will happen" when you're both out on the road. This will show them that you consider yourself a liability behind the wheel. And that's some scary shit.
Bucket Your Seatbelt - Then Take An Epic Selfie!
Once you're all buckled in, take your cellphone out of your pocket, and ask them if you can take a selfie. Still do it even when they said no. You're about to fail your first driving test. These are the moments #TBT are made for.
Once You Get To That First Stop Sign, Turn On Your Jam.
When you're about to pull out of the DMV parking lot, you're going to hit that inevitable stop sign. This is the perfect time to turn on your favorite song, turn it up as loud as you want, and then turn to your instructor, shouting "MIND IF I TURN ON SOME MUSIC?!"
Show The Instructor Where You Hit Your Neighbor's Cat.
Remember that time shortly after you got your permit when you rushed to get home by curfew and accidentally hit Old Man McPherson's 16-year-old cat? Tell your instructor all about it just as you pass that fated intersection. It'll show them how much you've improved!
Stop Off For Some Chick-Fil-A™.
Do you know what really helps me through my 'halfway-through-the-driving-test jitters'? Waffle fries and a lemonade from Chick-Fil-A. Your instructor is probably going to vehemently protest this, so offer to buy. And slip another $20 for hush money.
Drive On The Curb The Entire Way Back.
Driving on the curb is the car equivalent of popping a wheelie on your bike. Doing this as often as possible will show your instructor that you've got some serious #autogainz. Just, you know, make sure to get your tires realigned once you're done.
Yell At The Guy On The Bike.
Everybody loves the guy who yells at the guy on the bike. Sharing the road? Who shares anymore? Let him know that he needs to get out of your way, and you'll be letting your instructor know that you're ready to rule the road.
Ask Them How You Did ...And If They Have Instagram.
Once you've finally parked, turn to them and ask them the only question that really matters: "Yo, what's your Instagram name?" You already know that you failed the test. How else are you going to tag them in your 'The time I failed my Driving Test #TBT' selfie?
So that's it. That's all you have to do to fail your driving test. For more advice guaranteed to ruin your life, follow my How To Ruin Your Life collection. (It's proven to work!)