I know some of you may think of this as just me wanting attention. It's not. I don't have a lot of people I can talk to, and I see the kpop community as my family. So, I'd like to tell you about the true me. So you know why I'm so sensitive.
I used to say a similar quote like CL is saying to myself every single day. It boosted me up until I got into middle school. That's when reality sinked in and the bullying started. I'm still pretty nervous about telling my story because I don't want people thinking that I'm lying just for show. I'm doing this for better understanding and if anyone has had a similar life situation, that they're not alone and can confide in me if they need to.
Whenever I was real young, my parents decided to be addicted to cocaine, calling it their medicine. They sold a lot of my siblings and I's toys, a lot of things that meant a lot to me and my brother and sister. It stayed this way for a long time before I was pulled away from my parents. I stayed with my grandmother until I was about 10. I moved back home because I loved my parents regardless of their actions. They got clean a year later but my father went to prison and things were tough. Since my mom had been an addict, no one wanted to hire her. I lived in no electricity for nearly a month. I was always fed though. He got out after my 12th birthday, but him being in prison ruined job opportunities.
That's when the bullying started. I couldn't afford cool clothes. I couldn't afford to look like the rest of the kids and for that, I was picked on. I always had someone say something to me to get me mad or to cry. I'm already a tenderhearted person so it only added up. I zoomed through middle school with nothing but pain and fake friends.
When I got to high school, I met a girl that didn't look like a girl. I started growing feelings towards her that I was told was wrong. I started dating her behind my parents back and got picked on at school for that. When my parents found out, they told me they didn't raise me that way and God didn't make mistakes. That I need to stop trying to fit in and be myself..but the thing was, I never tried fitting in to begin with.
At that point, I started cutting. I thought that the pain from that would take over the pain I felt inside. I felt like I was alone. Around that time, Oppa Gagnam Style came out. I instantly loved Korean language so I started looking up mvs. I clung to 2NE1 and Big Bang immediately. I looked up translations and figured things out, which made me love them more. I had this barely functional mp3 player that I had them on and listened to It Hurts Slow Version by 2NE1 on repeat to stop myself from cutting.
Here comes the hardest part to tell...
3 years ago, I lost something completely precious that no one should ever go through. I watched my grandfather die of cancer. That year I lost it. I cried everyday after his death. He was the only person who made me feel like a normal human being besides kpop. It tore my family apart instead of coming together, which didn't help any of us because we're all still mourning in our own ways.
After my grandfather died, I had changed completely. I let sadness take over me and didn't try faking happiness anymore. My grades dropped tremendously. It was my final year in high school and I had no one the same age as me as a friend. Yes, I had friends who were in the younger school but I couldn't put my problems on them. Then I met HIM. The guy I thought for sure I was going to marry. We spent a lot of time together after I graduated high school. Then, within the last month of us dating, we talked about sex. It was a normal talk about it; maybe happening one day. That same week I went to his house to hang out for a few hours, like normal. He took advantage of me that day. Completely against my will.
It's been 2 years since then and I'm stronger but the wound is still fresh to me. I suffer from self esteem issues because of what he did to me. Since then, I've turned to different genres of music. Nothing helped so I wormed my way back to kpop and here I am today. Kpop has stopped me from further suicide attempts and I haven't hurt myself in a long time.
My entire point of this card is to show you how Kpop can influence a person and save lives. To show you that you're not alone in this world and that we can support each other. That you can lean on me like I did kpop. Please don't accuse me of lying or make crude comments. It's taking a lot for me to open up but I view you guys as a second family. I love you all dearly.