Are you in your twenties and just finishing up your education? Or maybe you're a 'thirty-something' who has been told countless times to 'act your age'?
Becoming a grown-up is much harder than many of us imagined it'd be in grammar school. But don't worry. You're in good hands.
Welcome to the 'How To Be An Adult' instruction manual. Follow this guide, and you'll be a real live grown-up in no time!
Understanding The Human Adultus
First, we must examine the adult prototype - also known as the Humus Adultus (seen above). This classification should not be confused with the Hummus Adultus, a zesty chickpea dip served at Portland-area strip clubs.
The Humus Adultus pays their bills on time, preps their lunch to cut down on excess spending, and always remembers to bring an umbrella. Researchers argue that their sole purpose of being is to make your life feel like a hot damn mess by comparison.
Find Your 'Grown-Up' Muse.
Imitation is not only a gold mine if there's a product licensing loophole and enough venture capital investors. It's also a pretty sincere form of flattery.
Here are some celebrity adults - Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and Congressman Paul Ryan - dressed in your typical Humus Adultus 'casualwear' at an event held by Mitt Romney. And clearly admiring his V.I.P.P Jeans (also referred to as the 'Very Important Pressed Pants: Weekend Edition').
Practice Your Adult Speak.
The following are popular examples of how real grown-ups speak. Make them your own by using them as much as possible.
"Let's touch base after the meeting today."
(Meaning: "Let's talk after today's meeting.")
"I'm going to connect with Jill about the new project she's working on."
(Meaning: "Jill and I are going to talk about the new project.")
"Moving forward, let's discuss it in e-mails."
(Meaning: "Let's e-mail each other from now on.")
Acquire A Taste For Grown-Up Food.
Gone are the days of pizza. Instead, you've got years of organic salads, Indian food (adults LOVE Indian food), and the occasional lunch sandwich ahead of you.
Look at the Google cafeteria, for example. In the picture seen above, this guy is serving up tri-tip and chicken breast. (If you haven't heard of them before, they're basically the adult versions of hamburgers and chicken nuggets.)
Have An Opinion & Use It Often.
Adults love having their opinions heard, meaning your days of being the debate club 'fence-walker' are officially in the past. Have an opinion on everything, and, for heaven's sake, make sure it's the right one.
So go out there, young grasshopper, and become the grown-up that you've always dreamed that you could be. (Just, sorry in advance about the responsible bedtime part. It's a common side effect.)