2 years ago
paulisadroid
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The Way You Worry in Relationships
You're outside her house. You had exchanged numbers a couple of days ago and you've been exchanging text messages because she's leaving town in two weeks. For the first time in a long time you're nervous to hang out with someone. You don't know how to explain it and you don't know what you're feeling.
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A couple of hours ago, you went to see your best friend and talk your feelings out. You ended up standing in his driveway for about 3 hours going through your pack of cigarettes like it was a tin of Altoids. One after another, smoke entered your lungs and your anxiety -- much to your dismay -- got worse. You were terrified and you didn't know why.

"You've been afraid for so long of everything around you"

You're outside her house. You finish your smoke and walk inside. The two of you hit it off, you get coffee, and joke around. Your anxiety finally drifts away and you decide the you'll spend as much time as you can with her before she leaves town in two weeks.
A couple of nights before she leaves, you find yourself parked outside her house. The two of you have small cups of cheap coffee and you keep talking because you're afraid. You don't want to stop because that means the night is over and, well, you don't want it to be over. She stops you and says, "I don't want you to fall for me, alright? I'm not looking for that shit right now and I know you aren't. So, just don't alright?"
You laugh and you nod and you lie even though you fell so hard it feels like you've been pushed out of a plane. You try to grab onto something but it's too late and you don't have a parachute. You just hope she'll catch you.
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Two years pass.
The two of your are dating. You are going to the same school. And at times it feels hard, harder than it should feel. But you know you love her and she knows you love her too. You write each other letters almost everyday. You express yourself the way you always have. You've never been great at opening your mouth when it comes to talking about your feelings.
Sometimes, you see her laugh and talk with other people. It used to make you jealous. It used to make you boil and burn. But you look at yourself and wonder if she'd be better off without you. If she'd be happier.

"When everything's perfect I still find a way to get hurt. And now I'm afraid I'll never be good enough of a friend, I'm scared you'll get bored."

You write her a letter that explains all of this. You try your best to be open and honest, two things you struggle with. You give her the letter and forget about it, the way you always have. The next day, you go to her house to watch a movie. But instead, she hold you in her arms and tells you that you've always been good enough, that you've always been more than just "enough".
You'll clench your jaw and try not to let her see you tear up. She'll notice and kiss your forehead. She'll turn the movie on and you'll feel safe again.
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