You have always loved gangster movies. Mob flicks. Crime dramas. But when you saw the latest Black Mass trailer, you found yourself feeling -- well -- different. A lot different. Yes, you are excited, as you have been known to be about anything that can be described as: visual, film, or Johnny Depp.
But something inside you stirred and was shaken. Each time a gun was fired, when there was physical violence shown on-screen, or when anything violent occurred within the trailer, you flinched. You flinched, hard. You want to be excited but you don't know what's inside of you that's hiding under the covers.
You decide to watch the trailer over and over again. You try to target that feeling, you try to find what is making you feel this way. And soon enough, you realize that you're afraid. Not of the film, or the subject matter, or Johnny Depp ("afraid" doesn't come close to the way you feel about Johnny Depp), but you're afraid of confrontation, violence, and death. Something this film, and this trailer, has in spades.
You think about the way you've grown up. The experiences you've had. And how it was scary, for you, to walk down the halls of your high school. You'd clutch your books tight to your chest and scan the hallways for, well, bullies. You remember vividly getting bullied. Getting punched and shoved and kicked to the ground. You remember how you built yourself and convinced yourself (and others) that you would never lay down. That you would never stop fighting. That you were quick to clench a fist and slow to speak through your problems.
Essentially, you remember living in fear. In a constant state of worry, your eyebrows slowly grew into a natural "fuck you" and your right hand (your punching hand) was perpetually held in the shape of a brick. You were always ready. Always afraid.
You remember the last fight you got into. The way you felt bruised and broken weeks after the physical argument. You remember the promise you made to yourself while you laid almost incapacitated in bed, you said you'd never do it again. That you'd be smarter and keep your temper in check.
And you reflect. You're reflecting, right now. You've become a gentler, kinder human being. You realize that your fear doesn't have a foundation in getting hit or feeling hurt, you realize that you are afraid of becoming who you used to be and the violence, the boot to the face, the pull of the trigger, and the anger all remind you of your past life.
Deep down, you know a movie won't make you the person you once were. But your past does frighten you. And, now, after watching the trailer a dozen times, you take a step in the right direction. You move towards acceptance.
Yes, you are scared. Yes, you are (also) excited. Yes, you are a better person now. And yes, you will see Black Mass when it comes out in theaters on September 18th, 2015.