Dear Incoming High School Freshmen, The year is 2015, and the world is going through great change. There's a cure of ebola, same-sex marriage in all 50 states, and you can watch the entire series of 'Alias' on Hulu.
It's also the year that you, dearest Frosh, embark on one of the biggest adventures of your life - high school and all the hormone-induced chaos that surrounds it.
There'll be home room, study hall, extracurriculars, and assemblies. There'll be class clowns, valedictorians, and the first love that will ultimately break your heart.
And there'll also be parties. Oh boy, will there be parties.
Laaaame, not THOSE kinds of parties. THESE kinds of parties:
Scared? Don't worry. This card is going to teach you all about how to prepare yourself for the time of your life. So sit back, relax, and -- hey noob, how about you take some notes?
Protect ya neck.
High school kids are incredibly rowdy. Mix them with some crappy, cheap, and illegally obtained beer, and there'll be all sorts of things flying in the air.
Bring a wingman.
This is just common sense. Not only will a friend help you score dates and look cool when you're throwing up that aforementioned crappy beer, but they'll back up the excuse you tell your parents the next day.
But really, don't drink the aforementioned crappy beer.
I know. Underage drinking is cool when you're in high school. But the alcohol you have access to when you're a teenager is akin to like, cat food. Wait until you're 21 and eat a damn steak.
(Trust me. It'll make you do weird stuff like cry or barf or pee your pants. Sometimes all three simultaneously.)
Don't be the class nag.
Parties are where everyone wants to unwind and not have to think about school until Monday morning. Don't be the one who keeps reminding them with stories like "Remember in Bio last week when...?" Leave it alone, and go eat some cold pizza.
And please don't try to table dance.
This one's pretty self-explanatory. Get off the table, guys. Your friend of a friend's stepdad isn't really going to love the fact you're treating his kitchen like your own private Coyote Ugly.
Mind the dress code.
If it's a costume party, wear a costume. If it's a pool party, be prepared to swim. Parties are all about the good times, and nobody likes the person that thinks they're 'too cool' to follow the theme.
And there you have it. That's everything you need to know about how to attend a high school house party. Have fun, stay safe, and most importantly, remember - it's not a real house party unless the place gets trashed.