The Man from U.N.C.L.E is About White Boys Doing White Boy Things
I mean, who doesn't want to be a white boy doing white boy things shooting at people with your white friends? Like, who doesn't want to exploit and completely objectify women constantly while having a dick measuring contest with another white guy?
Okay, maybe I started off a little too strong there but seriously. The Man from U.N.C.L.E is one-hundred percent -- full success -- a giant white male power fantasy. I mean, sure one of them plays a Russian guy (still a white dude) and one of them is Superman (the whitest guy, probably).
It's important that I mention that one of them plays a Russian guy because the movie takes place during the Cold War which is a time when, to put it simply, white people didn't really like any other kind of people at all. Or you could call it "the ultimate dick measuring contest". And the plot revolves around an American and a Russian working together for the greater good, or whatever. So, you know. Hijinks ensue.
And after watching the five minute Comic-Con trailer that was released to the public last month, it left me with a bunch of questions. And not the good questions like, "oh what's going to happen next? I am so gripped right now, guys, I swear" but questions like:
What is the point?
Well, really that's the only question I have. And honestly, what is the actual the point? I understand it's a retelling of an old TV show, or whatever*. But what is this adding to the world of cinema as a whole? I mean let's look at it this way, we have two white guys driving cars, fighting, hanging out with attractive women, and then saving the world.
The only thing this movie really fulfills is a male power fantasy (and it's double-y true for white males) and -- I never thought I'd ever write this sentence -- it does everything James Bond does but fucking** worse.
Don't get me wrong, I like action movies as much as the next idiot but I really like interesting action movies. And for a long time, I thought I knew what that meant but I didn't really know until I saw Mad Max: Fury Road [It's coming out on DVD and Blu-Ray soon, so you should probably save for that instead of watch this by-the-numbers action movie].
And there's something about The Man from U.N.C.L.E I just don't like. And maybe it's all the white people***, I don't know. But I swear, guys, I tried really hard with this one because I like Guy Richie and I like his movies but this one looks so uninteresting, it looks so boring, and lifeless that... it's an actual white boy.
It's the specific type of white boy that will fill the seats in the theater to watch this. It's the one that kicks the back of your chair, the one that says, I wish she showed her tits, bro, it's the white boy fist bumping and punching the air on the weekends
The Man from U.N.C.L.E is in theaters next week (August 14th, 2015), totally go see it and let's play pong, bro.
*By this point, careful reader, you'll noticed that I said "or whatever" twice. That's because I literally do not care a goddamn bit about this movie. Well, I do. But, also, I don't. It's a weird thing being critical of a medium that you love. Life is strange, I guess.
**Wait, did I just say "butt fucking"?
***You know what, yes it's probably, maybe all of the white people in the movie. And don't say, Paul, there are only white people in every single movie. I know that, that's exactly why I'm fed up. 'Cause for some reason, two of the most generic white dudes were cast in this movie. We have Armie Hammer (not the baking soda) and Henry Cavill (White Jesus, Superman, etc.) looking really just, uh, I guess like stereotypical handsome white men. And hold up for a goddamn minute white people. I'm not saying I don't like white people [I don't, well I do but also I don't] it's just they're fucking everywhere. On TV, in the movies, in magazines, they're advertisements, they're most of our superheroes. All we [we, as in, people of color] wish there was better representation. And every single time [and I mean every single time] another movie comes out without any representation of any other race other than white people a little part of me gets sad inside. The same way I'd get sad when the kids on the playground said I couldn't be Han Solo because well you look like Jackie Chan and don't you want to play Rumble in The Bronx, instead? Those motherfuckers. Anyway. I don't dislike white people but I also do. It's complex. Get at me.