After another tug-o-war with the comb and my unruly hair, I sat back in my chair and my eyes started to tear up. When I first chopped my hair off, I felt beautiful and free. When I was 5 months into my natural hair journey, I began to feel very frustrated. I didn’t feel attractive. Combing my hair was impossible. My hair was a ball of mess. There were a few times that I really wanted to take a razor to my hair. I was so frustrated, I thought that maybe I'd rather be bald, than to deal with this frizzy, thick, impossible mess.
And I kept thinking, “is this shit even worth it?”
Everytime I skimmed through photos of my relaxed hair, I remembered how easy it was to manage. I didn’t have to add 10 different products to my hair to make it look OK. I didn't have to do anything to it the night before. My hair at the time was actually healthy. I went to the salon every two weeks for a Dominican blow-out. I just spread out my hair relaxers to prevent breakage.
Last week, I was wondering what was really the point of going "natural?" Was I following a trend? Was I following my heart? Was I really embracing my roots? Or was I hiding them? I hide my hair with wigs, weaves, and braids. And although all those styles are great protective styles, I am not doing them to protect my hair, I doing to hide and tuck ever kink and curl.
Before going through the natural hair thing, I lusted over all these curly, glorious natural hair photos. I thought -- I want my hair to look like that! I want my hair to be big, beautiful, and curly.
But I didn't consider the fact that my hair will probably not look like the girls in the photos.
A few weeks ago I stared at my pair of hair scissors, and thought about whether or not it was a good idea to cut my entire hair off. The next day my gaze was fixed on a box of hair relaxer. I told myself:
I am feeling absolutely #DONE with the natural hair journey, but I decided to put my hair in box braids and think about what I was doing, before acting impulsively. Do I want to continue the natural hair thing? Not really. Actually, I've been really wanting to slap that creamy crack (hair relaxer) on my hair for months now. And maybe I will. And I don't think I should be shamed for it. I just want to feel comfortable and I want to my hair to be manageable. I no longer want to spend my night and mornings trying to get my hair to do what I want it to do. I just want to be. Has anyone else shared my frustration?
Don't get me wrong, I loved my hair when I first cut it. It was short, cute, and curly. Maybe I just need to rock it short.
I'll keep y'all updated. :)