[The following conversation takes place on August 10th, 2015 at 9:57 PM in a dark apartment in Nyack, New York]
You've got to stop saying that to me [laughs], I'm not used to it. You can say it all you want but I won't believe it. I mean, part of me does but I'm not used to it, you know? I spent most of my life feeling like an average kid and there's something real nice about that, you know? I know, yeah, I'm kind of, probably, maybe smart but I'd much rather make people think I'm not.
Why? There's a lot of pressure in being the brilliant idiot in the room. I don't want that kind of pressure. I don't need that stress [laughs]. It's like, the more people tell you you're great at something, the more you think you're lying to them. I don't understand why people are into the things that I do and they tell me, "keep doing it, keep doing it" but I don't even know what I'm doing.
Yeah, of course, I guess that's mainly the reason why I like to keep to myself. I'm surprised I'm even out here, with you, tonight. I don't usually do this, you know? And we've been hanging out a lot for the past couple of months and I don't know, it freaks me out. I don't get it. I'd rather, you know, run away?
Here, check this trailer out. I mean, I don't one-hundred percent identify with it but there are bits and pieces [pulls out phone], uh, I hate to be that guy but what's your wifi password? Okay, no spaces? Alright, thanks. [Loads up trailer on phone]
[Trailer ends] So, like, sometimes I feel that way. You know, I'm so fucking focused on my art and what I create that I don't have the ability to make real connections with people. It's, like, I get scared because sometimes I think I'm more interested in the story that I can tell instead of the actual person, you know?
Like, I get to know a lot of people with what I do for work and, you know, I like them a lot and everything but they keep ending up in my art. Then they'll say like, I saw that piece you made and they'll call me a genius or smart or whatever and of course, I'm like sure, yeah, thank you. But inside, I'm like fuck off, leave me the fuck alone. I just do what I like to do.
It's like that one scene from the trailer, you know? They tell the kid he's gotten into that competition or whatever and he's just like, I want to study. He's so whatever about it. And like, yeah, in the movie he's got crippling social anxiety but I can totally get that feeling. You tell me, I could do something more with myself, like, have a job doing this stuff. And I'm just like, alright whatever, I'm a fucking artist, let me get back at it.
But, there's something different about you and the way you speak and the way you talk to me [She grabs his hand and starts to trace circles in his palm. He pauses for second and stares at the motion she makes with her index and middle finger. He looks back up at her and she's smiling, he smiles, and she mouths an inaudible I love you. He smiles]. I love you, too. And it's that, you know? It's that fucking L-word.
I mean, yeah, I'm so in love with you. And you know I am and, like, it's a great, amazing, scary, terrifying feeling for me. I haven't felt this way about a person in years, you know? And here I am, falling all over again right when I thought that I'd had all of my chances to hit it big, you know? I've been in love, I'm sure you have too. And it didn't work out those times, so I just gave up. I gave up on the idea and I accepted being alone. And not in that sad-sack-bullshit way of being alone. Like, being happy and proud to be alone.
I'm glad you feel the same way too. It's all happening so fast. But it's like that trailer, you know, at the end of it. When he's talking to his mom about a girl and she says something like:
When somebody loves you, it means they see something in you that is worth something. It adds value to you.
And I guess, what I'm trying to say is, when you say I'm smart or brilliant or a great artist. I believe you. I really feel it when you say it to me. I feel that you really mean it and it, it well, it adds value to me. And you make me feel like I am actually worth something. And all I want is to make you feel that way, too. I hope I do. I really hope I do.
[She gets up from the table and kisses him. He smiles and apologizes. She laughs and kisses him again]